This Friday (the 13th...again) the D will be final. For the first time in a couple of years, tears have finally fallen. Of course watching some old sentimental Shirley Temple films on TV helped out.

It's kind of eerie that the D was granted Friday the 13th in Oct of 06, and will be final Friday the 13th April 2007. I wonder if there's some strange message in all of that.

I thought I'd gone through alot of the worst emotions already, but this week, I'm still feeling some raw emotions I didn't expect to feel . Guess after 33+ years, you just don't completely divorce yourself emotionally...ever.

I don't know where my life is heading..I'm trying to put that in Gods capable hands. I see total havoc in my sons' lives. And I see xh still living with OW and now free to marry if he so desires to. I still pray for xh and this family..we need so much healing and guidance. I know the boys aren't leaning on their dad for help...probably afraid to 'bother' him. They are afraid of upsetting 'his' applecart I guess..and doesn't want him to 'divorce' them (even if they don't look at him like they use to). It's amazing how a person can use other peoples feelings towards them to keep from having to be a responsible party in a relationship.

I've learned alot through all of this. Some of it insightful, some of it not. I'm trying my best not to feel like a victim, but there are still some days I slip into that mode...and I hate myself for doing that. Guess we all fall into that at some time or another.

This Easter definitely hit home that the family is totally fragmented. My poor mother trying to make it a nice holiday for everyone, knowing all the crap that is going on in my family. She doesn't show it, but I know it's tearing her up too. Not so much about xh, but what it's done to our two adult sons..how it's emotionally screwed up their perception of family and responsibility.

I remember reading that Satan isn't out just to destroy your marriage..but to destroy your family. That is his true goal and victory. I pray to God everynight to rescue this family. And of course, all the families suffering out there.

This has been a downer I know...but it's a week of reliving the worst of it all since the bomb dropped so many years ago.

I hope and pray for that light at the end of this tunnel...
Love to you all.

Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible