We have been thinking about you lately. I am glad you updated. You do sound good but take it one day at a time. One day everything will just fall into place.
Hi Creed, I havn't logged on for six months. It is good to see that you have kept your post updated.
Hang in there. You mentioned not seeing your Ss much. Same here. That hurts, when they are all thats left. For what its worth, I feel that I have had a crash course in separation and divorce and they are on a much slower learning track. I imagine that my Ss are now were I was at about month four after the bomb.
This Friday (the 13th...again) the D will be final. For the first time in a couple of years, tears have finally fallen. Of course watching some old sentimental Shirley Temple films on TV helped out.
It's kind of eerie that the D was granted Friday the 13th in Oct of 06, and will be final Friday the 13th April 2007. I wonder if there's some strange message in all of that.
I thought I'd gone through alot of the worst emotions already, but this week, I'm still feeling some raw emotions I didn't expect to feel . Guess after 33+ years, you just don't completely divorce yourself emotionally...ever.
I don't know where my life is heading..I'm trying to put that in Gods capable hands. I see total havoc in my sons' lives. And I see xh still living with OW and now free to marry if he so desires to. I still pray for xh and this family..we need so much healing and guidance. I know the boys aren't leaning on their dad for help...probably afraid to 'bother' him. They are afraid of upsetting 'his' applecart I guess..and doesn't want him to 'divorce' them (even if they don't look at him like they use to). It's amazing how a person can use other peoples feelings towards them to keep from having to be a responsible party in a relationship.
I've learned alot through all of this. Some of it insightful, some of it not. I'm trying my best not to feel like a victim, but there are still some days I slip into that mode...and I hate myself for doing that. Guess we all fall into that at some time or another.
This Easter definitely hit home that the family is totally fragmented. My poor mother trying to make it a nice holiday for everyone, knowing all the crap that is going on in my family. She doesn't show it, but I know it's tearing her up too. Not so much about xh, but what it's done to our two adult sons..how it's emotionally screwed up their perception of family and responsibility.
I remember reading that Satan isn't out just to destroy your marriage..but to destroy your family. That is his true goal and victory. I pray to God everynight to rescue this family. And of course, all the families suffering out there.
This has been a downer I know...but it's a week of reliving the worst of it all since the bomb dropped so many years ago.
I hope and pray for that light at the end of this tunnel... Love to you all.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I waited for you today But you didn't show No no no I needed You today So where did You go? You told me to call Said You'd be there And though I haven't seen You Are You still there?
[Chorus:] I cried out with no reply And I can't feel You by my side So I'll hold tight to what I know You're here and I"m never alone
And though I cannot see You And I can't explain why Such a deep, deep reassurance You've placed in my life
We cannot separate 'Cause You're part of me And though You're invisible I'll trust the unseen
[Chorus]
We cannot separate You're part of me And though You're invisible I'll trust the unseen
What do you think we can do to rescue our families of young adult children?
I hate my xh most for what he has done to my family, my Ss. It cannot be forgiven.
The Friday the 13th thing is eerie. Reading your post I realize that I never kept track of when my D was final. I thought of it as final the day it was granted because there was no turning back. (I am not the sharpest tack in the box!)
But your dates have me thinking...it does seem that there is an evil hand in this. There were eerie dates coincidences significant to our marriage in my D too. Satan driving home his point? NLF
You must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. ---Leonardo da Vinci
Ohhhh..those are wonderful lyrics. I don't believe I ever heard them before.
When I started this thread, I was only stating what I believed..I had no idea there was such a wonderful song that would state so well what I've always felt.
From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for posting that.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Yup, I THOUGHT I thought of the divorce as final on the day it was granted, but I guess in my heart, knowing it wasn't final until 6 months later was a defense mechanism . It's approaching now, and I'm realizing that I've got miles and miles to go on my journey before I feel even slightly 'healed' from this experience. I know, I know...start out with just one foot in front of the other.
As far as our adult children. All we can do is be there for them, because more than likely our WAS won't/can't be. I keep putting myself in their shoes because they were as blindsided when this all started to happen as I was. I know how they looked and their dad and I. How they looked up to us, how they were proud of having one of the few intact families in their circle of friends, how they wanted marriages like their folks had. There world blew apart at the same time as mine did...and I think they held onto their idea of what we were just as long as I did. They act more accepting to what has happened then before, but I'm real good at reading between the lines with them. *(Mothers are generally pretty good at that, you know..LOL)
Just the fact that my oldest son is now stating that he isn't sure he wants to stay in his 5 year old marriage, and that his wife is also unsure goes to show you how this sin carries through from generation to generation. I'm not saying that in some cases that divorce isn't a necessary option. I'm saying that people learn to give up instead of trying to fix something that is broke. They just see everyone else throwing the old away, and looking for something new.
There is NO way that this son would have contemplated divorce. There has never been one in my immediate family, so I know that seeing his dad do it, and now he feeling that he hasn't been treated right (and his wifes family has big history of divorce) it just follows from one generation to the next.
Isn't there something about the fathers sin visiting his sons ?? My God if I had to count back how many generations this has happened in my xh family, you'd be shocked. And I remember my xh telling a minister/counsellor he'd never let that happen in this family.
The date(s)...I don't know what that means, but I hope it means that divorcing me and walking away from his family was the unluckiest day of his life!!!! I can only hope he pays attention to the dates, and wonders the same thing, but in his present condition, that may be impossible.
I've tried catching up on some threads, but I'm online so irregularly anymore I feel like I'm so out of the loop. How are you doing? And your family? There are so many new 'faces' here, and so few of the more 'seasoned' ones, isn't there.
I do see/read some threads that seem very positive though, and that is a blessing. To know that miracles are happening around us...
Oh, my heart breaks to hear about your S and his W thinking of ending their 5 year marriage. (Do they think this is easy??) It is a secret worry of mine with one of my Ss. There is something I sense in him... and I worry that the first thing to go if the going gets tough will be his marriage.
Yes, there is a curse or is it a biblical quote (?) about the sins of the fathers. It was talked about on the faith radio station I listen to. I don't remember how many generations it passes through. However, I don't think it is always true. My father, who would be 89 now, told me that his grandfather was a very mean person ( no details were offered) and yet my father's relatives were all very good people, honest, nice to be around, etc. So there is hope; the die is NOT cast.
I agree that adult children hold on to their idea that the status quo will be maintained and their parents will stay married. However, I also feel, (with no supporting evidence whatsoever) that once the divorce is a reality, they ignore it, bury it and get on with their lives. Fast forward a few years...I know that throughout my life, I benefitted from the thought that my parents were there, as they had always been. I didn't call on them but I knew I could. It is that sense of security that children of divorce miss out on. In the future, what will my Ss and your Ss miss that would be important to their well-being? Will missing that sense of family make them stronger, weaker, warped? I don't think I like the answer!
I worked so hard at being a good parent. To think that xh & I placed an obstacle in the path for my Ss to work through, that is a great sorrow for me.
How am I doing? I'm fine most of the time...for weeks at a time, actually. But I have been blindsided in the most unsuspecting moments. Seeing small tendernesses between couples my age get to me such as a man helping his wife with her coat. And the sadness is just as deep and profound as when xh asked for the d. Its strange (..and maybe I'm strange)
I have no desire for dating. I work with men and love to tease the ones with a good sense of humor, but I need to stay at arms length, which is easy for me to do.
I have been thinking that my marriage would have been stronger if there had been more Faith and religion in our home. I did not realize the importance of developing that. Had we had more Faith, my xh would have had some guideposts, something to hang on to when his thoughts started spinning and he entered the tunnel.
Yes, there are many new faces here. I am online for a short time also, which is not long enough to delve into new threads. I learned so much here though. And there are so many people to admire for their strength.
Hang in there. Work on your Faith, work on yourself. You haven't shrunk from this. You have grown. ((Creed))
NLF
You must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. ---Leonardo da Vinci
