Life goes on, and it ain't about Job

[EmtnRllrCstr]

81388,

I am glad to hear that you had a great weekend. I am not much of a drinker but discovered a scary thing a couple of weekends ago, booze doesn't make your problems go away but can make them seem more distant. I now understand why people use alcohol or any other substance to drown out their sorrows.

I also understand your thoughts about your strength coming and going. As for me I do fairly well most of time only to hit a wall. I am hoping as I GAL and do more 180’s that I will not hit that emotional wall. I just feel like I am getting walked all over by the one person that is not supposed too. But that leads me to your next thought about the change that our spouses are making being for us. I agree, “our lives can still be wonderful even without the person we had once wanted in it more then anything else”, but the hard pill for me to swallow is that Christ made it clear what he thinks about divorce. “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate”. Now my wife is trying to use her faith to justify her actions.

Keep putting your hope and expectations in the Lord; you will not be disappointed in the end. I am praying for you and your family. You are strong, caring, giving, joy filled man and your W will be missing out on a lot if she doesn’t shake her demons. Keep your head held high knowing that you are a child of God and that his grace is sufficient for you.

-EmtnRllrCstr

[81388*]

EMT;
Yes, I understand the feeling of being walked on by the one who least should. As for Christ's teaching on divorce, a clear exception is made for infidelity, so in my case I feel confident that I would be justified either way.

I have been thinking about unconditional love recently. I think the fact that I still love my wife, care about her and what happens to her, and that I am still devoted to making her life better and would freely give of myself to help her, would indicate what I take to be unconditional love. At the same time I find myself realizing more and more that I don't need her the way I once thought I did. Even though I love her and care about her, I don't really like her all that much right now.

My wife is allowing her emotions to convince her to do things that she knows are wrong, and unfortunately, things that are dangerous and unhealthy as well. She is exposing the kids to this insanity, and actually saying things like she wants them to meet the OM on his next visit. At the same time, the last time we spent together, she was very accomadating, up to a point. She basically told me I would have to reschedule the weekends because OM was coming on a weekend she had the kids, and she knew that I didn't want them to have any contact.

At first blush, she was being respectful of my wishes, but at the same time it is a veiled threat, "reschedule, or I will be forced to have kids at my house with OM". I thought about it for a couple of min. and then thanked her for respecting my wishes and said it should not be a problem to reschedule. The whole time I was thinking, "your damn right they won't meet your pathetic piece of sh!t, dysfunctional, f*ck faced, sleep with and get engaged to a married woman, poor excuse for a human being OM. So what you need to do is reschedule your delusional f*ckfest for another weekend!!!!"

The reality of course is that I don't need to reschedule anything, they will stay here, and she will loose yet another weekend with her children, which does not seem to upset her much.

The information about her wanting kids to meet POS comes from D12, who broke down crying last night. She said she didn't want to ruin everything, but felt bad keeping secrets from me. I told her she could tell me anything and I would not be mad at her. She proceeded to tell me that she had seen Mom's ring and asked her about it. Mom's reply, "I am thinking about marrying OM, and I really want you to meet him when he is in town next."
Now even a 12 year old knows you don't where a ring when you are "thinking about it", and you don't get engaged when you are already married. D12 said she does not want to meet OM, hates him and will never want to be around him.

I don't know what to do. I know my wife is just telling me what she thinks I want to hear because it is the path of least resistance, all the while telling D12 she wants them to meet. I really want to hold out hope for my marriage, but at the same time I am starting to feel that I need to look at ways to insulate my children from the insanity.

All thoughts are welcome, my history on this BB has shown that I am often overreactive and short sighted.

[ford]

my history on this BB has shown that I am often overreactive and short sighted.

Heyya 81

why do you think this?

[Yoyowife]

8,
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. How awful for your children. You are being the responsible parent and letting them know you are there for them, just keep doing that. I think you handled the weekend swapping perfectly. You didn't blow up, that takes a strong man, so it sounds like you a pro at DB. If you had blown up you know it would not have solved anything, just made things worse. I'm so proud of you. What strength!

[81388*]

Hi Ford, I don't know, just feels like I cycle through long periods of calm in the eye of the storm and then have these rants where I just want to take my kids to safety, beat the living sh!t out of OM, and send my wife packing. But then I get some words of advice, chew on it for a day or two and start to see how sick she is, only to ramp back up in a week or two, and fantasize about taking a ball bat to this m@therf*cker's head and tell my wife she can have him, they deserve each other. It is all so bipolar. On the one hand, I feel like I have taken great strides towards detachment, but one mention of OM and I spend the next 3 days fixated on that mental picture, although I don't show that to her. Well not much anyways, I was at her place tonight to pick something up, and the whole time stood in the front hallway, at one point she said you can come in, you don't have to stand there , I declined saying I am really not that comfortable in this house, and although I enjoy seeing her, I really couldn't wait to get out the front door. Before I left, I gave her a hug, told her happy Easter, as I did she started to cry, I told her that I loved her unconditionally, and that it has taken me awhile to come to grips with what that really meant, but that to me it meant that it really didn't matter what she decided to do, I would still love her even if I didn't agree with or support the choices she was making, and that would never change.

YW;
Thanks for the pat on the back. It really hurts to see the kids confused and hurting. They want so much to be supportive of both of us and to not choose sides, but it seems my wife is making that increasingly difficult for them. I really don't understand how she can not see that what she is doing is terribly hurtful to them.

[Yoyowife]

8,
I too don't understand how they can't see what they are doing to the kids. My H told me it wasn't about them that he would always love and take care of them. I do believe that, but it does tear them apart. Everything I have read says that the kids never fully get over it. It doesn't give them much faith in the relationship department, does it? My girls love their dad with all their heart, but are so disappointed in him as I'm sure that your kids are. It hurts them so bad. It effects their lives too. But our spouses either can't see that or choose not to. I do try reassure them that he will always love them.

[iluvme]

Can't agree with you more. It is ashame and heartbreaking that our kids have to bear this pain. My H says the exact same things about "it's not about them. The kids will be fine. If I'm happy then they will be too. I am doing the right things for my kids." Yadda yadda yadda... There is just no way around it when the WAS don't want to be married anymore. No crying, begging from us or pain from kids will change their minds. We all need to survive and be happy productive individuals. Hope to get there taking the express train. :)o

[ford]

Hi Ford, I don't know, just feels like I cycle through long periods of calm in the eye of the storm and then have these rants where I just want to take my kids to safety, beat the living sh!t out of OM, and send my wife packing. But then I get some words of advice, chew on it for a day or two and start to see how sick she is, only to ramp back up in a week or two, and fantasize about taking a ball bat to this m@therf*cker's head and tell my wife

Dude, this is normal. I see it as an internal fight caused by mixed messages.
The red blooded male in you wants to fight to protect your turf. the other side is trying to act like everything is ok and hope things work out for the best. it sucks.

let me tell you how I see MLC and it's effects on people.

I don't buy for a minute that they're sick. Their actions are as sick as can be, but they're not mentally ill by any means, they choose to do the things they're doing. 99% of us get to a point where we question what we've done and where we are going, the one's without character act on it, the respectful. stand up guys and gals such as yourself, shrug it off and continue on with life.

I see two sides to the calling the MLCer sick. the LBS, who are so incredibly in pain and in shock, they simply cannot accept that the person they thought they knew and loved, and TRUSTED with their life, would do the things they do, so they rationalize their spouses actions as "being sick" or "in crisis". it's easier to swallow all the crap when you classify it as a sickness, I know, I did it too when I first got here.

the second user of the sick term is the MLCer, they hide behind it like a shield, they rape and pillage at will and will continue to do so as long as their options are still open. we've seen it here on the boards, once the MLCer's option are depleted, they suddenly "come out of the fog". they say, " yeah I was horrible, but I was SICK"

the agony of wanting our life back can make us do and accept things we never normally would, I'm sure you can see this now. so don't let her skip out on taking responsibility for her action, you can't control her, but if she is putting kittens in the oven, you sure as hell don't have to call em biscuits.

The longer this stuff goes on, the more blurred the line between good and respectful behavior and the totally outrageous antics, becomes.

like I said, you can't control her, but I'd stop with any sort of subsidizing or enabling behavior. options. as long as they can live the fantasy and still have the option of going back to the safe, old life, they will continue marching on.

I think not going into her appt was great, it showed that you have a boundary about going into and validating the loveshack of shame.

81, you're a good man, you're just still shell shocked, after 26 yrs, you are entitled to your feelings.

take this time as a gift. use it to find out who you are. make you the best you possible. if she comes back, you'll both be the beneficiary of a new and improved 81. if not, you and your children will reach a level of closeness that you've never had before.

any of this make sense?

[81388*]

Ford;
Thanks, yes alot of it makes perfect sense. I am not sure I was using "sick" in a mental health way, but as I think about it, maybe I was. I initially thought confused, unsure, etc. but 6 of one half dozen of the other, it is still making excuses for her and enabling her bad behavior. To me, the kids complicate things so much. I would have loved to have told her tough sh!t about the reschedule on the weekend, but at the same time I really feel like I need to keep the kids away from this POS as much as I possibly can, how do you split the difference there?

I have felt like she is still there, just below the surface, and she still crys at the drop of a dime, but that could all be her doing what she knows will get to me. What I really can't justify is her looking me in the eye and telling me she agreed that the kids should not meet OM, only to find out that she had told D12 less then a week prior that she wanted D to meet OM. Do I call her on it?

I really don't subsidize the bad behavior, since our discussion about finances and the joint account, she has been very careful to make deposits and not spend more. She has never asked for money, and the closest I have come to accomidating the affair had been the afore mentioned weekend reschedule.

I have told her from the beginning that I don't agree with the choices she has made, that they are hateful, hurtful, and wrong. I guess I just feel stuck, like I am just feeling my way along and reacting when I have an opportunity, but really not doing anything proactive.

[Yoyowife]

I totally understand you not wanting the children to meet that worthless OM. I'm not sure I would tell W that your D told you that she wanted them to meet the OM. Your D confided in you because she felt like she could talk to you, and tell you what's bothering her. If you tell W what D told you she may say something to D and upset her. You are being a wonderful parent. We have to work hard to keep the children out of it. Our spouses are not thinking clearly so we have to make them feel as secure as we can. You could ask D though if she wants you to talk to her mother about the situation of meeting OM. You know your D best.