Mom, I hope you and your children will have a beautiful Easter.
I suspect that your h may have set himself up to be fired or he may have quit so that others will speculate that he got fired. Some of them will do this during their crisis. They can't handle the added stressors of a new job, new learning experience, etc., so they play the passive-agressive tune and set themselves up for firing. He'll find another position, one that is not quite as stressing for him. In the meantime, you continue to be kind to yourself and be there for your children.
For today, leave the mlc mess out there and just enjoy the day w/your family. Tomorrow is soon enough to think about the mlc monster once again.
Happy Easter!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well today is almost over!! All in all it was a good day...My D5 was so excited with her Easter Egg Hunt. Brought kids to MIL this morning so she could see them in their dresses...thought H might be there after he asked me what time I would be there yesterday...H was a no show! Later in the day I got a VM from my stepson thanking me for his birthday present...I then had two missed calls from H but with no message!! I am assuming he called to say hi to D5 since he has not spoken to her since last tuesday. Knowing H he probably thinks I would see the missed calls and return them...I did not because I am done thinking for him! If he wanted to talk to D so badly he should have left a message and I would have called him back...So no contact from him at all today...Nice father huh?? I am wondering when he will tell me that he lost his job...snodderly, I really hope he didn't do it on purpose...How can he put his childrens well being at risk like that? 25, yes a 6K retainer is ridiculous...especially when we do not have TONS to fight over...my L is charging me 2500 total...from soup to nuts. H's L has a reputation for being cut throat and a shark...fights dirty and has no respect for the law. He probably saw H coming a mile away!! If H doesn't have a job I may ask him to file a continuance so we do not end up back in court again after D over child support...what do you think? Miss my dog...I know it is one less stress in my life but the house is so empty!! My sister helped me pack H's dresser and get everything out of my bedroom....H still hasn't taken anything out except for tv, golf clubs and my stepsons beds!!
What state are you in? And when your L says 2500$, how can he mean "whole thing, soups to nuts" IF it's possible your H's will drag it out? Meaning, $2500 is reasonable for a filing, a division of assets and a couple discussions between L's and clients. Not a fully cooperative divorce, whatever that is. But a normal Decent divorce with a few conflicts about property and resolution relatively quick, yep 2500 is very reasonable. But what about bonehead shark man? And btw, Just b/c a L is called a "shark", does not mean he's good at his job, or respected by colleagues,or liked by the judges. But if H's L is a jerk, as he seems to be, it could drag on and on. As you are a sahm, your H will be on the hook for the fees. Ahhh, but you say your h is UNemployed....too bad for him.
The judge in THIS state would assess support based on his earning capacity. They recognize such a thing as deliberate "under-employment" and he could still be on the hook. Sounds great, but you can't get blood from a turnip. Meaning, if he has nothing, the judgements you'll get against him (which you should do) will be meaningless until he has some money. OR you get a disproportionate amount of the assets to compensate. Maybe you'll get the whole house, both cars, etc. to make up for him not making payments....Ask your L. ALSO, even if you don't have assets or he has no money, get the judgements anyhow. Someday he might inherit money and if he already had a judgment lodged against him, you'd get paid up.
I think the biggest "semi-realistic" fear would be that he gets or IS disabled, mentally, or physically. If he cannot work, he cannot. So that is a concern if he has a history of crap like this. BTW, in my case if we were still on the road to D, I'd make sure, even if I had to pay for it, to INSURE my H's life and health. H's income is high, as is our overhead. If he died there'd be life insurance, yes. But if he became disabled, I have not found a policy AT ANY PRICE, that will match his income or even pay more than half his salary. SO, for me, my H's disability would be financially a disaster (not to mention emotionally, etc., but I'm being very "factual" right now. )
You need some financial info, and to get prepared. SO, what are your earning skills? H's? Assets? I mean, if you were living paycheck to paycheck, and don't own a home, the good news is there is not much to fight about and then a $6000 retainer is crazy UNLESS it could be the "sharks" insurance that your H would at least pay HIM...
Try not to get into the bag lady syndrome that we ALL get at times, even when it's totally irrational. You will be alright. Besides, maybe when your H gets a look at the numbers, he'll start getting a tingle in his brain that won't be the good kind of tingle. Sorry if I am repeating myself about this, but please also know that MANY men, in these types of circumstances, will DEMAND more time with the kids or full custody in order to lower support payments. Not to be with the kids more, but to pay less. Expect that threat. Don't fear it. If you are the sahm, you're not going to lose your kids. WORST case scenario is 50/50 and most men cannot do that and have their "freedom" let alone a career. I cannot recall what your H's deal is right now about the job. Is he employable or not? Are your educational credentials comparable to his? How long have you been at home, ages of kids, HIS income, etc. all factors. But like I said, I don't even know your state.
Here In California, a CPA divorced his wife after a long term M, and eventually became a minister. He wanted to lower the support payments b/c his income went down so much. Court said, "tough" b/c your family's standard of living was "X" based on CPA income, and H's new religious beliefs notwithstanding, H had to pay his kids and wife based on his proven earning capacity AND what they had been used to. Ct said why should THEY pay the price for H's "new" faith. H appealed and said BUT I'm a GOOD guy, minister, etc. Public Policy,etc etc.. H appealed to California Surpreme Ct. H lost. So that's the law here. No such thing as the guy deliberately underworking...IF he has earned significantly more in the past, it will count for something. And courts don't like little kids being fobbed off onto daycare right after their dad's run off with ow's....Do you think your H would/could make allegations of you being unfit? That would suck.
Enough of law for now. I can't give you advice b/c I'm not licensed to do this online or wherever you are and I don't have enough info. anyhow. BUT, please please communicate with your L soon so you'll feel better. Usually I think, knowlege is power, and it feels much better to know that you won't be out on the streets with your kids under a bridge. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Mom...I don't know much about the legalities of what you're going through...the D and your H losing his job and all, but I just had to stop by and tell you that you are amazing. I am so proud of the way you are hanlding yourself through all this. I love the fact that you did not return his calls...I guess I could easily see myself where you are...I could see my H losing his job as he already got demoted and he's calling in sick a lot more...I hope to handle myself the way you are!!!
25, I am in RI. My L is charging me such a low price b/c I work with his wife...He has already promised me that no matter what happens he will not charge me any more. L is very fair and has a very good reputation. His focus is on children and keeping them stable and with the same lifestyle they are used too. He is not a "lets screw him" type...fine by me...I am not a conflict girl myself.
I think you may have misunderstood my sitch...I am not a stay at home mom...LUCKILY I am a teacher so I have a good job with a fairly good salary. I have my pension and some retirement savings for the future...Thank god for this!!
My problem is I don't have my own $$ right now...H is not giving me much to pay the bills with so any savings I may have been able to put away is being used to pay bills.
My L also said when it came to child support we would fight for earning potential...L is currently working on getting employment records. H did make 6 figures the past 3 years in a row...now claims I make more than he does...he is also "hiding" other income...he is a referee in the fall for football...did not list this on his D paperwork...H also did not list his 401K but my L said not listing it is no big deal...everything can be found and brought to court...
Thank you for all your kind words...It is good to know I will not be on the streets!
UN, Thank you for your words...I am not sure if I am handling myself too well...I am worried about H and all his weird actions but their is nothing I can do I just have to keep remembering that. I am being cordial...matter of fact with him...I really can't be nice...he is hurting his children, in turn that hurts me!
how should I react when H tells me he is no longer employed again?? What if he doesn't tell me?? Do I just let it go? I was thinking about asking MIL but I am practicing not talking to her about things...so far I am not doing so well!! I did not mention the pics being down...thought that was good!!
Why doesn't it ever stop?? as previously mentioned H lost job again but has not told me yet...picked up D's at MIL today and said nothing about H at all, except I could not believe he did not call for Easter.(REally trying to keep my mouth shut around her) D5 shows me an easter basket from H...nice Disney Dad material! Got in the car and D5 told me H took her to lunch today but she isn't supposed to tell me because it is a secret...WTF...
Call me crazy but I don't think in this day in age kids should be taught that it is ok to keep secrets...especially from their mother!! I am sure H said this b/c I have heard him tell his S's not to tell their mother things.
When H finally tells me he lost his job how do I react and what do I say about the secret?? Odds are he will get another job and tell me he quit the first...obviously he wasn't working today. Not that any kind of DB matters anymore in my sitch but this is such a 180 for me...I would have called him and asked him why they went to lunch and why he wasn't working etc...or called my MIL and asked her...she said nothing about it today at all!!! So no one knows I also know about no job...
I am really upset about the secret thing...I do not want my daughter raised like that!
Mom, I'm very sorry to hear about your dog. The mlc crisis tends to destroy everything good that these guys ever had. They tend to blaze through the forest and leave nothing standing. It affects everyone and not just themselves. For this I'm sorry.
As for your h losing his job, he could very well have helped that situation along. Mom, they don't care about what happens to anyone else but themselves. It's all about themselves and they feel they can get by on little of nothing during the crisis. Why? Because they are thinking like kids and don't understand that the bills are still coming in and yes, divorce is very expensive. They aren't thinking of child support or house payments, etc. They are only thinking of ditching everything to have their freedom once again.
I think you have a good lawyer and he sounds very understanding. You might want to ask him about your h coming in now and asking for spousal support since he's not working. I don't trust the thinking of mlcers.
Mom, I'm so very sorry that you are having to deal w/this crap. It's not easy for anyone, but especially for those who have children that they need to be a parent to, or should I say be both parents to.
BTW, I would sit back and wait to see if he tells you he's not working. Don't tip your hand just yet. He may then think you are spying on him. Do not discuss this w/his family either. Sit quietly and the answers will drop into your lap very soon.
Hugs to you and your little ones.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I hate how this MLC affects everyone/thing.