Bizarre situation

[geordie]

Well H came home after his nightshift on Sat, slept, then spent the rest of the day with me and S. Had a good time although we did get into some R talk (he initiated it)....lots of tears...seemed like he is so happy with her he cannot give her up. But then he is hugging me and telling me he loves me (which he hasn't said in I don't know how long). Says he doesn't know how to mentally come back. He didn't stay overnight but stayed til 9pm. So I suppose that's an improvement since he wasn't even intending on coming over at all on Sat - was going to drive straight to OW after work.

I was so upset after he'd gone....sobbing my heart out. Tried calling him multiple times around 10.30pm (thinking he'd still be en route) but he didn't answer. I cried myself to sleep. Next morning I called again and again - nothing. Cried again. Feel like I am sinking and I know I am putting my emotions too much onto him but I feel so lost again.

Anyway, he called at 9.20am Sunday morning asking if I was OK. I said "no". We talked for 20 mins and he said that he really did mean everything he said about wanting to come home. His head is just screwed up (he said that). Said he would call or text later. He didn't so I called him ...nothing. (I KNOW I SHOULDN'T!!). Anyway, at 8pm I had a long text: "I hope you haven't had too bad a day babe. I hope little man has been OK. I would call you if I could. It was good spending time with you both yesterday. I'll talk to you soon". I didn't answer but I notice the positives (babe, good spending time, would talk if I could....it's almost like he's having the affair with me, which I suppose is a good thing). I am just so confused.....not even sure if I want this...feel like I am working so hard at this marriage to make a point sometimes, without even considering whether he is who I REALLY want. But, no-one is perfect and all marriages have problems.....that's what I tell myself any way.

Spoke with DB coach again today (first time in 3 months)....I think I am trying to make his return too easy, which isn't a good goal. He needs to recognise the value of being with me. I'm his best choice and I'm worth the struggle in our relationship. Cost doesn't matter but value does. I'm demonstrating value and he has to pay the price - it's not good for me to lower my price just to get him back because then won't work for either of us in the long term.

I feel more positive now but I am scared. Not that I cannot do it on my own - because I can - but because our son will not grow up in the family he deserves because his father can't/won't attempt to heal this marriage. Before this A, my H was a wonderful father and they had a bond that my friends envied....he is losing that bond over time. And my love for him seems to be slipping away.