Is this really my life??? - First post!

[butterflymom]

Hey guys,
I've been reading for quite a while and have decided to jump in and post my story in hopes of getting some feedback. A little background. My H and I are both 36. 2 kids. DD-8 and DS-5. My guess is that my H has been in MLC around a year and a half or two years. I've had several "bombs" in the last 7 months. Sept. 29, 2006 - OW #1 bomb. She was a brief PA while on a business trip(an employee of his), but H SWORE he was IN LOVE with her. At the time I didn't know about the dangers of EA's, but looking back, I see they had been having one for close to a year. She made him feel incredible, made him feel things he hadn't felt in years, blah blah blah. You guys know it all. Typical stuff. Anyway, he ended it with her and we began working on our marriage.

Things were going well for a month or so. Enter OW#2. Around mid November 2006 I get "bomb" number 2. ILYBNILWY speech. By this time I was pretty well read and well schooled on EA's and figured out pretty quickly what was going on with OW#2. She was also an employee of his and OW#1's best friend. Anyway, I did everything wrong. Begged, pleaded, cried, tried to get him to read about MLC, tried to get him to do relationship exercises, called him at work, etc etc. EA became PA in December 2006. I didn't realize this, but suspected. H is saying he should move out, how he feels like he needs to get away from us, he's severely depressed, staying out later and later for "work", taking more out of town trips, etc.

Bomb #3 came on January 27, 2007. I discovered an e-mail between the 2 of them and it was pretty obvious what was going on. I confronted. He confessed and moved out that day. I'd been reading Marriage Builders during this time so I exposed the affair to everyone including his boss and OW's H(also an employee of my H). He lost his job(was demoted and moved to a different division). He blamed me, but apparently his boss already suspected and was doing some investigating on his own. It actually ended up being a good thing that I exposed when I did as H was scheduled to do interviews that week in which OW #2's H was up for a promotion that he was not going to get. OW#1 was going to get it. Had my H gone through with those interviews he would have been fired immediately and not had the opportunity to be demoted and at least keep some job.

Fast forward to now. He and OW are living together. He and I get along better than we have in years. We are great friends. I too have a nice MLCer just like Cinderellaman (I could be living your life, by the way. The similarities are uncanny!). We still ML on occasion. He comes over for dinner several times a week and takes the kids every other weekend. The kids do not know about OW (we feel they are too young). He still insists that he wants a divorce, but has agreed to wait and see at least 6 months before doing anything.

I realize he has only been out of the house a little over 2 months and that this could take a while. I've been doing some 180's and have been doing really well at GAL and having positive PMA for the most part. I'm having trouble coming up with original things for 180's to do and feel as if I've just gotten into a rut. I know I can't speed it up, it has to run it's course, but when I first started to DB (mid Feb.2007) I was seeing remarkable progress in him as far as coming toward me. I guess maybe this is as close as he comes until he comes back??? We really can't get much closer without him living here.

He's still in deep replay although depression has shown itself heavily. He cried to me one night about a month and a half ago that he had come close to commiting suicide (gun cocked and in his mouth, very scary!). He tells me that he's as down as he's ever been in his life. I tell him that I just want him to be happy, and I truly mean it. Now he wants to buy a new vehicle (the kind he had when he was 16), and he's spending money like it's going out of style. Now OW has had a cancer scare and is going for a biopsy tomorrow. He is going with her. This just keeps getting worse and worse.

I'm glad to be a part of the community. I feel like I know some of you really well already from reading your posts. I guess I just need some feedback on how to act. I try to avoid calling him unless it's about the kids or finances. I'm trying to let him initiate contact with us. We don't have a formal agreement on who gets the kids when - he pretty much sets the schedule around what OW is doing. That makes me mad as I see him putting her before the kids, but I don't say much about it. At least he still does see them frequently. When he has the kids she has to find another place to stay since they don't know about her. I am hoping she'll get tired of this arrangement although H is sometimes reluctant to put her out and will take the kids to his mom's instead (a 2 hour drive from where we live).

OK - I think I've written a small novel. It's just hard to get everything in! I look forward to any feedback or support. Many friends don't understand why I'm doing the things I do and I need the support of people that are going through the same thing!

Thanks!