My Heart's Journey into the Unknown

[COG]

Nic,

I am reall glad you are finally accepting what we've all known all along. The OW is not even in the same universe as you. You blow her away. Your H just needs someone he can save and control. He does'nt know what to do with an intelligent, beautiful, determined, confident, and did I say beautiful, WOMAN, like you.

Please forgive me for sounding like a snob, but I do feel better now.

I feel better, FOR YOU! She does'nt even come close Nic.

Now a couple of red flags I see here.

I managed to pump S5 for some info re. ow. He's so innocent, little sweetie!

Please be VERY careful about enlisting your kid's to be spy's for you. That will backfire big time. It puts them in a very uncomfortable, insecure position, because they love both you AND your H. AND they probably like OW, at least for now. So it just puts stress on them that they will not know how to deal with.

I recomend you check out http://www.divorcecare.com. The best thing about that program is it'll help you avoid pitfalls of D, like enlisting kids.

I had really been feeling like I was ready to meet someone new, till I found out about ow and had my relapse. Now, I'm wondering about that again.

That's one of the pitfalls. Do not go there! Get your D, get yourself past the rebound, THEN go shopping. Three months for every year of M before you start dating again. Until then, go do group things, have some friends, but you'll not be doing your future acquaintance any favors by bringing them into your life when it's still in emotional upheaval.

Keep fighting Nic, I'm proud of you. You are doing great!

Love,

COG

[princess_nic]

Always, Alison ~

Thanks for posting. Yep the truth hurts sometimes; too bad!

COG ~

I am actually very careful about the kids. My D told H that she didn't like it when I asked questions about ow, so I don't ask her. S5 is different b/c he doesn't get that I have issues with it. So I can just ask him stuff casually and he tells me. I don't want to know any more than I already do, though. This is enough.

As for dating, I guess I'll leave that in the hands of the One who knows better than me!

I certainly do not want to make anyone else's life a mess, but if someone nice comes along, who knows? By the time we D, we will have been physically S for at least two years. If I wait three months for every year of M after that, it'll be another three years, so that's five years total. Seems like a pretty long time. I do appreciate your concern, and I am being very cautious. I'm not going to depend on anyone else to make me feel better. I am picking myself up, and I'll move on myself. If someone interesting happens along, I'll take it as it comes.

Thanks for your support, friends!

[princess_nic]

Journal:

I have been thinking a lot lately about why I am so sad over H's leaving, why it hurts so much, why I cannot accept it.

In large part, I believe that it is due to abandonment issues that I already had before we met, from childhood. I have been dealing with those, and a book that's been particularly helpful is "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. My brother and someone on one of the BBs recommended it.

Another issue, however, is one that PL brought up on her thread today. I am working with a T and a homeopath, and both have cautioned me about attaching judgments to behaviour. I have a big issue with this b/c I think that some behaviour is just plain wrong, e.g. adultery. The thing is, in judging that, I am making H the bad guy and me the good guy. Alternatively, I make myself the bad guy (guilt) and him the good guy. I also feel more anger b/c he is doing something "wrong" and can't see the "truth"--which is my truth, of course. If he does bad things, then he is bad. But he is not -- he is human. Accepting that does not mean that I have to accept the behaviour, or that I have to want it in my life. It just means that I accept that it is who he is.

H told me once that I do not accept him as he is, and he is right. He does not have the same values I have. If he has found true love with ow (which he hasn't said) or if he finds it with someone else, it is not a reflection on me because WE (he and I) are not in the same place emotionally. I am able to love more deeply. Some day, he might be able to also, but now that is not the case. He spent a good part of our marriage jealous of me and my ability to love and to make friends, my ease with people. I do not want to be in a R with someone who is envious of me.

I am having a hard time articulating what I am feeling. I think that what it comes down to is that I have been hesitant to say and believe certain things about H (those above) b/c I feel that it somehow taints our R and that I am being mean. But if there is no judgment attached to these things, then I am not being mean; I am simply telling the truth.

The truth is that he is not as emotionally evolved as I am. That is where he is. That is where I am. As things stand now, we are not good together, and haven't been for many years. I cannot pull him forward, nor can I go backwards to be with him.

I have to let go of the "could be's" and "could have been's." They are not the truth.

I love my husband, but I cannot be in a healthy R with him right now. If, someday, he chooses to move forward in his own growth, it may be possible. But it isn't now.

It sounds so simple, but we know how hard it is. And not to judge - well, that's a tough one for me. But I'll be working on it.

[bravagal]

Nicola,

You said some really insightful and beautiful things. Maybe in the end it IS that simple... the thin is we humans are complicated creatures and dont quite know what to do with that simplicity.

IMHO what you wrote is a reflection of acceptance and letting go and giving both you and your H "permission" to flow with where life takes each of you.

big hug,

brava

[I_Still_Love_Him]

Nicola,

There definitely seems to be a pattern with the WAS when it comes to choosing another partner. As already mentioned, they tend to choose partners who are less than the LBS in so many ways. It is definitely a reflection of their insecurities and the need to feel praised and in control. You are so right about our H feeling like the knight in shining armour coming in to save the day. WTH, just when they get to a point in our M where things are looking up and especially financially, they go and drag themselves down. My H is no different but you know they will come to resent it when they realize that they will have nothing to show for their hard work. Let me tell you a story about a female co-worker.

Her now XH had a PA 5 years ago with a woman with a child. Female co-worker wanted to save the M but he didn't want to give up OW. They split up and in the past 2 years he's been taunting her (constant phone calls at home, at work, wherever) wanting to get back together. She, of course has a new beau and is not interested in getting back with her XH. They have been D for 3.5 years now. Her XH was supposed to get M last summer to OW but she doesn't know what happened but the wedding didn't take place. The week before the wedding her XH was still trying to get my FF to go back with him. This is a man who is planning on getting M????

Make matters worse, OW was pregnant. CW had to file with Family Responsibility because her XH didn't pay child support for over a year. XH situation now - living in a 2 bdrm apt with OW 8 yr old son and their new baby; his car has been empounded and has to borrow a car to pick up his son since OW doesn't have a car of her own; he has no money to pay to get it; his salary is going to be garnished 50% until he has paid child support in full; says he won't be able to afford the rent especially since OW in not working now and now told CW that he is going to fight for custody of their son who has been living with CW all along. CW has a great paying job, a home, a loving and supportive family, an 8-yr old who simply adores her and somehow her XH thinks the court will grant him custody. What a loser.

What XH thought was the R that he wanted as it was better than what he had with his W (yea right) is finally becoming the reality that CW saw all along. For most WAH, this is the path that will become a reality.

Take care of YOU and the kids Nicola and the rest will fall into place. Like me, now is NOT the time to start a new R. You will know when the time is right. Who knows, by then our STBXHs may wake up and then again, maybe not.

You are a wonderful woman with so much to offer. We all know this now YOU have to believe in yourself.

Hugs,
ISLH

P.S. I may be taking a trip to the Belle Province next week. Check your email.

[Mickey]

Hi Nicola,

Your h is an jerk. Plain and simple. I was 'involved' with one for 8 years...so I know what I am talking about. Your h said the same things to you that my 'ex' said to me. It was uncanny when I read your posts. They aren't happy. Only living in their narcissistic SP world. A strange place full of drama and certainly all about them.

I am sorry that this has happened to you. Take care of youself financially. Request more than enough...he may just give it to you so he can look like a 'good guy.'

You will find that there is life after this. A good life for yourself whether it involves someone new or not. I do understand the desire to run away but we can't...LOL. We will stand strong for our children. I like to look at it as not wanting to run away but having the chance for a 'do over.' My ex said he wished we could start over but with what I know now about him I would not want a 'do over' with him.

I am seeing a nice man but not sure where it will lead. BUT, I am doing it my way and we shall see. Setting boundaries for yourself with h or anyone else is empowering. Seeing a good T is always good even under normal circumstances.

I know how you are feeling...it is gut-wrenching. I lived through it. It just about killed me but here I am. None of it was worth the pain or heartache. I find it sad that someone robbed me of my happiness for so long.

I have tried in a nice way to let him know that I never want to hear from him again. He is so self-absorbed that he can't even hear the meaning behind the words.

Don't believe for a second that things will be any different with his gf. He will continue to operate in the same fashion that he always has. The poor thing has to deal with him now.

Take care of Nicola and know that you now have the chance for something good for yourself. Take your time. You will discover that being by yourself is much better than living with a narcissitic fool.

Much love,
Mickey

[almosthopeful]

Hi Nicola,

I just caught up on your thread. I see you've had a rocky several days, and like many of us, a tough Easter.

A couple of posts back, you talked about H seeing his children so little and even then being with OW at the same time he has the kids. To me, this just reeks of the self-absorption and insecurity of MLC. It just confirms the "diagnosis" in a way. He can't be away from the only person who approves of his life right now (!) and he can't put his kids needs ahead of that. Bleh. It stinks.

Also about H being envious of you. That really struck a chord with me, and maybe this identification will help you. I didn't realize it at the time, but H and I were both very envious of each other, about different things, all through the M. It wasn't on the surface, and it wasn't malicious, more depressed. I think we both did a lot of internal "scorekeeping" and acted as if there wasn't enough of whatever (time, attention, decision-making power, etc.) to go around. But looking back it has become really clear and I'm trying to work on that part about me while moving through this transition.

I love J's idea about having an OP comparison/competition. Really I haven't heard one person post about a particularly impressive or appealing OP. Just goes along with everything I've read about it being a predatory, using, opportunistic R.

Hugs nicola, you are sounding better the last couple of posts.

AH

[amd]

It sounds so simple, but we know how hard it is.

It is simple, but we struggle with that because of the emotional attachments that we all have to people and situations. As you gain distance from the emotions, I think you will find it easier to live your truth.

Be well, Nicola.

[princess_nic]

AH:
I've been thinking about what you wrote, and I know that I was envious of H's seeming self-confidence. In fact, it was self-absorption, but I didn't recognize it as such. I did admire his ability to put himself first, actually (ah, the irony) because I always put myself last. Neither is a healthy way of living, and I'm getting better at finding the middle ground. He was also better at having fun, while I was over-responsible. It's interesting to me that all those qualities that I liked - the very reasons I chose him, in fact - are the ones that blew up to such a point that he is now intolerable to me. This is why I wonder if it is MLC, or if it is, if he will ever have enough self-awareness to come out of it. When you've had these personality traits for say 30 years (not childhood, I guess), it sure would be tough to let them go. Esp for someone who doesn't talk about his feelings.

Mickey:
Thanks for stopping by. I know some of your story and I, too, have seen the similarities. If you read what I wrote above to AH, I think it will make sense to you. I do believe that I will, eventually, get the point at which you are now - feeling that all this sadness was really unnecessary, that this IS actually for the best. I do now have the chance to have the M I always wanted, but could not have with my H. You story makes me so happy, as happy as I am to hear about reconciliations. Thank you.

Brava:
Thanks for your support.

AMD:

As you gain distance from the emotions, I think you will find it easier to live your truth.

This one sentence is so powerful. Yes, it is merely a simple matter of distancing myself from the emotions!! I know you weren't trying to make it sound easy. But that really is what the healing requires.

ISLH:
I've emailed you. Hope to see you next week.

[brandnewday]

Just thought I would say hello.
It is simply amazing what paint fumes can do to ones thought process.
I will be finishing up the painting this weekend if anyone wants to drive over and help out.