Please quit waiting for H to save you and the M. It isn't going to happen by maintainting the status quo. It is unlikely to happen in any case.
However, if you quit waiting and insist on finding a happy life for yourself, you will succeed, whether or not H winds up coming along for the ride.
What are your options? Have you seen a L so you can make informed choices? Keeping your head in the sand for another year or two isn't going to change things. What changes do you need to make NOW to get a decent life together for yourself?
Controlling H's sexual outlet in the basement is just going to cause him to find another one elsewhere. As much as you would like to think that H is asexual, he is NOT. He dirties his undies out of the house, he watches porn on television, on the computer. His sex life is alive and kicking, you just aren't in it. Does this mean I think you should have let him continue his private parties in the basement? No. If you didn't want to tolerate that in your own home, you shouldn't have to. But, what exactly couldn't you tolerate? The use of porn? Or the fact that he was enjoying his sex life solo? Even when you DO have sex now, you have admitted that you don't feel a part of it.
Take ownership for your life and choices. Get your *ss in gear and get a happy life so that you and your children have a decent next decade. Don't worry about winding up alone. You are already worse than alone. You KNOW you can have a great future. Why are you afraid of upsetting the applecart when the apples in it aren't even good for pie?
