Valentines day massacre

[LoginName]

OL,
I've got to say that you've been very strong, very brave, and have been putting on a very brave front. I don't think I could do what you've done. I could not face my W and talk to her civilly about the OM. Of course, none of us know what we can stand before the test comes. If you have time, I think you could find some usefull information by readion grasshopper's story. Search on his name and read his threads (lots of them, too many really). He lived with his W while she was seeing OM, and somehow they have pieced their M back together.

On the other hand, grasshopper has advised others, like JustBestFriends, not to put up with that; to set boundaries and stick to them.

From my point of view, I think grasshopper was lucky in many ways. I agree with OTB and JBF. I could not discuss the OM with my W as a friend would. It's hard enough the few talks we've had about OM. I won't tell you what to do on this (only because of the example of grasshopper) but my thoughts and feelings are that I couldn't discuss OM with W and I'd have to stop the conversation.

I wouldn't phrase it like OTB did. I think I'd say non-judgementally that I'm sorry but I don't want to hear about him and what you do with him. If she continued to talk about OM, I'd excuse myself and walk away. Again, as hard as it is, I'd try to be non-judgemental; not condeming her for forgetting her vows, etc.

Bartending school. Well, it may turn out OK. I don't know why you are paying for her tuition. IMHO, I don't think you should. It does set up expectations. Perhaps more importantly, you can't afford it. It goes back to detaching and GAL. Why are you doing this? Honestly? Go to bartending school if you want to, but not to be with her. Do it for yourself.

I think you really need to detach and find some space for yourself. Am I misreading your sitch? Is there a lot more room for hope than what I see? OL, you're sitch is dire from what I can tell. Last Resort Technique is a good plan. You don't have to cut off all contact. You can be there for her if she asks for help. But she's having an Affair. She's told you to leave. I think you need to start swimming fast.

This deserves a lot more thought and discussion, but I have to take off. I'll try to get back to this today.

Good luck, hang in there, you can do it, you're not alone in this, we are and will survive.