It is Easter Sunday and just when you think you are getting in control H throws a new curve at me. I have been trying to detach as much as our business will allow. He says he is coming down late Saturday afternoon and for Sunday. Both of my kids are gone for the week-end to college stuff and won't be home. We were invited to his brother family for dinner but he works with them all the time and wanted a break. So he came down in late evening told me he had gone to a movie (that I had been wanting to go see. I'm assuming which I shouldn't but I'm sure with OW). Then tells me how good it is and how much he laughed. We have a nice visit because I remember to act pleasant and act if. We drink a bottle of wine and watch a movie. Go to bed a few hugs no ML I c kinda slipped and ask if we were ever going to have sex again. Maybe sometime he said. We go to church and I cook dinner for his parents and us. He keeps watching the clock and says I have to go. STill really nice and then he goes to her house. He tells me he is going somewhere else.
I just have had it with the be nice to me run to her. On the phone bill (which I know I shouldn't look) he will call her all the time. Usually calls her then calls me.
I feel like I should just call it quits but right now would not be the wises financial decision on my part. I just don't know if I can keep up the act. I know i posted on 2940 to act if she had to but it is tearing me apart. He has told me he doesn't know why he wants someone like her? But he won't quit seeing her and talking to her and taking her to dinner. He was very complimentary to me today on how well I looked and how much weight I had lost and how hard I'm working trying to keep everything going and the business together. I feel like will it get better.
Help!!!I don't know if he is being kind and not wanting to hurt me or if he even cares about anything.
He has all the symptoms of MLC....I was doing really well at handle this and now I have stumbled.
You are right Penny - he does have all the symptoms of a MLC, which means that no matter how well you DB, he's got a long road of recovery ahead of him.
You are doing all the right things. The comment you made to 2940 about how giving advice to her, validated to you all the things you need to do is SO true. I think that is how we do most of our learning around here - by noticing the things others are doing 'wrong' and then reflecting on how that relates to us and our situations.
Have you read through the resources in the MLC board. I think you'll find some useful stuff there to help you through this time.
You are so strong and you are doing really well. It is actually a good sign that he came home yesterday - many MLC men just wouldn't have done that - he obviously has some stong connection to you that isn't broken.
Take care, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I'm sorry I did not notice your more frantic thread.
I am here to say that it is possible to outwait these betrayals. I never did succeed in detaching but I followed the plan to not take these romances personally. I think for awhile I was basically the OTHER WOMAN in his stupid affair.
We have muddled through it all somehow and I am hopeful that we are coming out on the other side. It is perverse, but the more time your husband spends with the other person, the sooner he will become disenchanted. {or she will!} Comfort yourself that way. Do NOT allow your children to start comparing you to Carmela Soprano, as mine have done!
Keep your power as well as you can by keeping your sense of humor. See these oldish Romeos for the ludicrous dorks they are and then, offer them a dignified way home.
I am tired. I suppose not hating the other women IS detaching. I never did get over my inclination to snoop, however. I advise resisting, but I am also somewhat in favor of knowing the worst. See? I am a nutty symphony of contradictions....
Anyone else can give you better advice. Walkingbackwards, has!
V you have such great advice and always make one feel better. I have always been the solid one and these last 5 years have really used up my reserve energy that I could always fall back on. When he calls should I just talk the business. Sometimes I just think if he did come back would he just do this over again. We are a part so much be cause of his job I wonder if he will ever want to work on it. He has told me that if he couldn't be married to me he wouldn't ever get married again. but then he also told me he couldn't work on our relationship because he had no time for it and has had her all the time. It is such a gut renching experience. I think that being around some one for 27yrs and 25 years have been married even thru the bad times we have always remained there for each other and friends. I think that is the problem he knows that I am always here. That is the hard part. When he had the last A ( I think the start of the MLC) It started in 2002 she was the greatest and finally the real her came out. She stalked me for a long time. Then he begged me to come back. then I swore I wouldnot do this again but here I am . I am a gluten for punishment it has taken a toll on me. I like 2940 hit rock bottom. I think I was so hurt that I had let my guard down and he slam dunked me again. I think this A started as EM and then after I found out and went beserk it has turned into a PA. Both of them are women that I have known. Right now she can do nothing wrong. even though she just sent her daughter to her dad tolive with her brothers. How could she not want her kids? I am not going to think about her but its hard thinking she is the one that is replacing me. I guess I am just rambling now. Thank you so much for being here. I can sure use the support.
You are right I think I will read some MLC threads. Sometimes they never get over it for a long time. His own family really has noticed it. His mom can't figure out what is going thru his head. He thinks that this OW is ok even though we are married because we have been living apart. I thought we were living a part for the jobs. Life is so complicated. The OW goes after married men and she has been after his brothers before because she has always wanted to be married into my H family. She is a different w and she has no morals and conscience either. Will eventually the real her come out? It has been going on for almost 8 months.
He did this at Christmas too. I had told him that I wanted to have a nice christmas in case this wasour last. He couldn't have been better except he would have to go call her or txt her. It gives the boys false hope too. The are old enough and thye know about what is going on. They don't know what to do either. They don't like it. My older son said it looks bad on him and us. HE said one day he is going to sit down with his dad and talk to him. I told him right now it wouldn't do him any good right now but drive a wedge between them. Don't know if that is the right advice or not.
Flicka,
Thanks for being there. IT sure is tough being in these situations. I can only hope that her other colors will come out. but she has a plan to get him. She has had one for years to get him or one of his brothers. She is a wicked person and will stop at nothing to get what she wants. I can only this the obsessive person will come out. but how long can she out the act on and she must please him. She has been making him shirts. He didn't wear one down here this time. I was going to say something. I want to hate both of them for what they are putting me and my family thru. He has told me that I am to caring and kind to a fault.
Well enough of this rambling. I have to get ready and go to work. Thanks a gain for talking to me it really helps me. I live in the country so it is hard. You are pretty lonely. Even though I have really good friends. Actually his family are really close to me but sometimes it helps to tell someone who you don't know to see what your response is to the different situations.
Penny, Thanks for stopping by my thread. When you said that you are not sure if you could ever trust him again, I have the same feelings. If you read my thread you know that the OW is his secretary so they are together all day long. He says they aren't seeing each other, but who knows. I'm staying away from snooping, because it only hurts more.
You are lucky that you have his family's support. I've been putting things together and have come to this conclusion. The affair started out emotional and turned to physical. OW's husband has contacted me at different times and told me the things that my H complained about to OW. Well, right after my H left I got word that my MIL was talking about me. At first I didn't know anything about the OW. The things my MIL said about me were said in a very public place and one of the ladies there had a D the same age as my D and I was afraid it would end up hurting my D that they were spreading gossip about our family. So anyway I told my H about it and he said he never told his mother anything. I said well apparently someone did. At the time I thought he was lying to me, but after finding out about the OW, I finally figured it out it was her that told his mother these things. It breaks my heart that she would befriend this woman. I don't have any family that live near me so I don't have close family support.
I am very thankful also to be able to vent on here. I've gotten where I don't talk about my situation to many people.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Your H affair sounds like my H it started as an EA. He told me he was trying to set her up with one of his friends and she started chasing him. Like I said we have known her family for years. She was married 10 yrs ago to one of my H friends. She has 4 kids and 2 of them she sent back to their dad and all of a sudden she sends the girl to her dad because she can't handle her. The oldest one got Preg. to get away from her mom because she didn't want to babysit her mom anymore. This womans own family has stuck up for me because she was saying how bad a mother I was and her own family told her that was a lie. That my kids were really good kids and I was what a mother should be. My H won't believe that she would say anything like that but this person is not a nice person but she has my H fooled completely.
That makes me mad about that OW. She shouldn't say anything to your MIL. She sounds just like this one too. It must be the trend for H's. I am very lucky because I am very close with my H's S and my SIL. also I take care of my MIl and FIL doing what ever needs to be done for them. They both know about the OW and they are not happy. I would hate to see if she approached my MIL it would be fun to see. The OW has told people that know us that he is her boyfriend even her nephew told my niece that she said we were divorced. I confronted my H in January about that and he said it was a lie. She wouldn't do that. Do we have the blinders on?
I am an only child but I do have a great support group of a variety of friends and family. You can always vent to me. I find it easier to write things out to you guys and it helps me get control and be come stronger. I usually can't post in the day at work but I try to read them once a day there.
Thank you so much and lets make each other strong.
Penny, I am an only child also and I also have great friends. My mother is deceased and my father lives out of state but we talk often. I don't know what I would do without my friends. They are my angels. You can vent to me anytime you feel like it. I will listen. I'm not sure what kind of advice I can give you, but I'll be here fore you. You are right we can make each other strong! Thanks for your support.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Is it funny that we would be only child's and have such wonderful friendsand kids. I'm like you my friends and my kids are my rocks. My oldest son toook a job for a couple of months in Colorado. I almost panicked when he left he is such an anchor for me. My other son is 8 hrs away. But we survived and it was amazing my sons friends even checked on me to see if I needed any help. We have a ranch that I run along with my full time job. So I really appreciated the help.
The girls I work with are anchors too. they have been thru a divorce and one is a widow with 2 boys. We really support each other. I don't know what I would have done with out them. One of them is going thru a seperation. She had lived with this guy 13 years and they have a business. He just up and rented a house and moved out. I feel so bad for her. She is such a nice person. So paybacks for her helping me I have tried to be really supportive for her.
It is really nice to be able to vent to you guys for a different opinion. I am here for you to vent to. I'm like you I don't know if my advice will be good or not but I will be here for you. We can make it if we think we can and we will.
You had baby steps from your H for Easter...that's great!!!
He's probably in the comparison stage....between you and her. Don't worry about him seeing her later...just continue on. He was pleased you looked nice...great. He spent time with you... big positive.
Just hold on...he'll come around...ML will be the last to fall in place.
