My Heart's Journey into the Unknown

[MonicaP]

Hi Nicola,

Wow, I am so sorry - and can identify so much - with what you're going through. Yes, some days it does feel like hell - and, as far as I'm concerned - it is. Your words were like hearing an echo in my heart. I am nearly exactly at the point you are and I can't tango alone anymore either. It's time to move on, to start fresh, to give myself a chance at whatever else God has in store for me and my S4.5. But accepting my powerlessness and the end of my M is about the most painful thing I've ever experienced..it will take time and lots of tears, and friend's shoulders, and God's help to recover anew.

My T has given me a really good perspective on *why" which is what I struggle with. None of it makes sense! One day I was in a happy M with the love of my life, and the next I am sitting here writing about getting a D. My T and I talk about my H and it helps me to realize that all of this is about *him* and his lack of maturity and ability to sustain a marriage. He made choices and keeps making choices based in fear and lack of depth of character, the easy way out, whatever. He did a great job of portraying his "pseudo self" for a long time, the person he thought everyone wanted him to be and just came to a point nearly 2 years ago he couldn't keep it up anymore. All the anger and resentment and *victimhood* seeped in and now it's like he can't see life any other way except through his own self-centeredness.

Whenever my envy & jealousy for Ow seep in, I ask myself - "would I want their R?" . Hell No! They are not happy - at least not by my definition of happiness. When I feel happy I am light,my conscious is clear and I am enjoying the goodness of life. Can they say that? I doubt it! For them it's all about brooding, secrets & lies, and taking *joy* in their tiny little lives. I feel angry when I imagine them playing house w/ my S4.5, but then I remember - my S and I are bonded together in a way no other can be. I am his mommy, she will only ever be someone his daddy has around. Even if he likes Ow, someday he will grow up and learn where she came from...from infidelity.

I'm sorry if I've hijacked your thread! I just want you to know that I am out here and praying for you because I can really understand your sadness and pain.

You know what's made me feel good recently? I finally got my hair done in a way that I really like, I've actually found myself attracted to men again, I've gone to some interesting exhibits, went to an amusement park and acted like a kid all day. I have created a really nice home for myself and S4.5, it's all me and I love it. I feel like I'm accomplishing good things at work. I bought a yoga DVD (still haven't tried it yet)....but I will! And today, I told my H when he picked up S4.5 that I wanted my place to myself all day (he usually stays in the morning and I leave for the day) - this is the first time in a long time that I have actually been home alone with nothing pressing to do.

Life is short! I try to focus as much as I can on what's still great about my life, and when the feelings come I feel them and then let them pass.

A big hug for you!

Monica