My Heart's Journey into the Unknown

[princess_nic]

Thank you all for your wonderful messages. Please know that I have read them and am thining. RCR, I printed out both your posts (the one here and the link), and I've read them a few times. Thanks so much for taking the time to post. Your thoughts are always enlightening.

Today, I am here to get some things off my chest. There is good news and bad news.

Bad news:
I had a rough few days leading up to this weekend, but suddenly remembered on Friday that I hadn't refilled my AD presicription in a few days, so I think I was in withdrawal. I went to a gospel concert on Friday (Alvin Slaughter--amazing!), and got my hair cut.

I looked really hot when H dropped the kids off Fri night! He said, "Wow, great hair!" Then started acting all weird, like he was hiding something (figuratively).

I was calm and friendly, not sobbing or angry like I've been lately. That also was the case yesterday when he dropped them off. But today, of course, I totally lost it. Darn holidays!

I dropped the kids off and all was good. I'm feeling okay. I tell H that I'd like to meet ow sometime b/c she's spending so much time w/ my kids and I want to know who she is.

He says, "Are you sure you're ready for that?" Sounds innocuous enough, but he had such a smug look on his face, I was livid!

I said, "Oh, thanks for your concern," in a very sarcastic way.

H: Well, I am trying to make this as easy as possible. [hey, anyone else heard that? Ooooh, ticked me off.]

Me: I'll never be ready to meet someone who's spending all that time with my kids. Just tell her to look bad that day so I don't feel like $hit.

H: Don't worry about that!

Me: Yeah, there's no one else as good as me. Beauty and brains are a rare combination! [at this point, D10 is looking at me, so I add, "Only D10 and I have it!"]

Okay, so far, not great, but not horrendous. But wait! It gets worse!

I drive away, but as I'm leaving, I see them getting into a car that looks like ow's car. I drive back to ask H when he will be dropping the kids off tomorrow. He asks me how the car is driving (long sotry-drove over a huge pothole two days ago).

Me: Not good. And now look--you have TWO cars and I have one.

H: This isn't my car! It's ow's car.

Me: Oh? Where's yours?

H: At my parents' place.

Me: Well, what about all that money you took out to pay for a car? How come now you're getting a loan for it?

H: I need that money for CC's and stuff (L?).

Me: Well, it was half mine.

H: Okay we can work something out. I'll put it on the credit line or something.

M: I might need the cash for Disney (or my L).

H: Okay, we'll figure it out.

I drive off. I was actually yelling at some points; I don't know what came over me.

But it's still not over!!!

After I drive away, I call him on his cell.

Me: I didn't want to say anthing in front of the kids, but are you and OW engaged? I know I've asked you this before and you said no. [I was wondering b/c of his weird behaviour and introducing her to his family.]

H: NO!

Me: Well, I'm asking b/c I don't want to hear it from the kids. I want to know.

H: Look, if...[gets tongut-tied]...if and when that happens, you will be notified.

Me: Notified?

H: What do you want me to say?

Me: How about, "I'll call you"?

H: Anyway, you'll know.

Me: H -- you don't introduce someone to your parents when your 40 years old unless you're planning something very serious.

H: It's not like that!

Me: [can't remember exactly but something about taking ow over to his parents' place for dinner.]

H: [blusters, can't remember]

Me: I'm hurt because I'm sitting home alone at Easter and I don't even get to talk to your parents anymore b/c your mother says she loves me, but she can't talk to me...

H: [uppity] That's because when you did talk to her, you told her things you shouldn't have and it upset her greatly. [he was referring to that fact that over a year ago, I told her about his drug possession charge, but I did not give her any of the sordid details that I could have.] But I will let you talk to her again if you want. [oh, how gracious!]

Me: Fine.

Hang up.

AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH! Bad bad bad bad bad convo. Why do I do this to myself? I am so angry at him, but I'm mad at myself too for bringing it up. Why do I keep shooting myself in the foot?

Half the time, no more like 80% of the time, I think I'm glad to be out of this drama, but then I go ballistic like this. I swear, his condescending tone totally sets me off, plus I don't trust him AT ALL.

And now she's meeting his family? WTF?? But no wedding bells planned, oh no. I'm sure his parents are thrilled b/c all they want is for their baby boy to be happy. Who cares if he does what's right as long he's happy?

OMG OMG OMG I totally lost it. What infuriates me most is exactly what RCR said: Every time I do something like that, I give away my power to her [and him].

I do have good news, but I'll make a new post in case I lose this!