Your life will be bright...it will likely be dark for a little while, but there is light up there where you are headed
There will be a day that you will say "Ohhhhhh......THIS is why I had to go through that hell and rid myself of H...b/c I would NEVER have known THIS beauty in life."
Whether you say that for a new love, new job, new phase in life....there will be a day when it makes sense.....that you would have never known the depth of joy coming to your life if you did not go through this pain.
Shortly after he left a year and a half ago, my H broke off the A he was having. Now, he's been seeing a woman seriously for a few months. The kids spend every Sunday w/ the two of them! Why is he back to looking for ow? It is killing me. This is why I have decided to stop standing; I just can't take it anymore.
I wish so much that things could be different, but I am not strong enough to do this anymore.
I see you've been at this for around two years & I cannot even begin to think how difficult this must be for you
Thank you all for your wonderful messages. Please know that I have read them and am thining. RCR, I printed out both your posts (the one here and the link), and I've read them a few times. Thanks so much for taking the time to post. Your thoughts are always enlightening.
Today, I am here to get some things off my chest. There is good news and bad news.
Bad news: I had a rough few days leading up to this weekend, but suddenly remembered on Friday that I hadn't refilled my AD presicription in a few days, so I think I was in withdrawal. I went to a gospel concert on Friday (Alvin Slaughter--amazing!), and got my hair cut.
I looked really hot when H dropped the kids off Fri night! He said, "Wow, great hair!" Then started acting all weird, like he was hiding something (figuratively).
I was calm and friendly, not sobbing or angry like I've been lately. That also was the case yesterday when he dropped them off. But today, of course, I totally lost it. Darn holidays!
I dropped the kids off and all was good. I'm feeling okay. I tell H that I'd like to meet ow sometime b/c she's spending so much time w/ my kids and I want to know who she is.
He says, "Are you sure you're ready for that?" Sounds innocuous enough, but he had such a smug look on his face, I was livid!
I said, "Oh, thanks for your concern," in a very sarcastic way.
H: Well, I am trying to make this as easy as possible. [hey, anyone else heard that? Ooooh, ticked me off.]
Me: I'll never be ready to meet someone who's spending all that time with my kids. Just tell her to look bad that day so I don't feel like $hit.
H: Don't worry about that!
Me: Yeah, there's no one else as good as me. Beauty and brains are a rare combination! [at this point, D10 is looking at me, so I add, "Only D10 and I have it!"]
Okay, so far, not great, but not horrendous. But wait! It gets worse!
I drive away, but as I'm leaving, I see them getting into a car that looks like ow's car. I drive back to ask H when he will be dropping the kids off tomorrow. He asks me how the car is driving (long sotry-drove over a huge pothole two days ago).
Me: Not good. And now look--you have TWO cars and I have one.
H: This isn't my car! It's ow's car.
Me: Oh? Where's yours?
H: At my parents' place.
Me: Well, what about all that money you took out to pay for a car? How come now you're getting a loan for it?
H: I need that money for CC's and stuff (L?).
Me: Well, it was half mine.
H: Okay we can work something out. I'll put it on the credit line or something.
M: I might need the cash for Disney (or my L).
H: Okay, we'll figure it out.
I drive off. I was actually yelling at some points; I don't know what came over me.
But it's still not over!!!
After I drive away, I call him on his cell.
Me: I didn't want to say anthing in front of the kids, but are you and OW engaged? I know I've asked you this before and you said no. [I was wondering b/c of his weird behaviour and introducing her to his family.]
H: NO!
Me: Well, I'm asking b/c I don't want to hear it from the kids. I want to know.
H: Look, if...[gets tongut-tied]...if and when that happens, you will be notified.
Me: Notified?
H: What do you want me to say?
Me: How about, "I'll call you"?
H: Anyway, you'll know.
Me: H -- you don't introduce someone to your parents when your 40 years old unless you're planning something very serious.
H: It's not like that!
Me: [can't remember exactly but something about taking ow over to his parents' place for dinner.]
H: [blusters, can't remember]
Me: I'm hurt because I'm sitting home alone at Easter and I don't even get to talk to your parents anymore b/c your mother says she loves me, but she can't talk to me...
H: [uppity] That's because when you did talk to her, you told her things you shouldn't have and it upset her greatly. [he was referring to that fact that over a year ago, I told her about his drug possession charge, but I did not give her any of the sordid details that I could have.] But I will let you talk to her again if you want. [oh, how gracious!]
Me: Fine.
Hang up.
AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH! Bad bad bad bad bad convo. Why do I do this to myself? I am so angry at him, but I'm mad at myself too for bringing it up. Why do I keep shooting myself in the foot?
Half the time, no more like 80% of the time, I think I'm glad to be out of this drama, but then I go ballistic like this. I swear, his condescending tone totally sets me off, plus I don't trust him AT ALL.
And now she's meeting his family? WTF?? But no wedding bells planned, oh no. I'm sure his parents are thrilled b/c all they want is for their baby boy to be happy. Who cares if he does what's right as long he's happy?
OMG OMG OMG I totally lost it. What infuriates me most is exactly what RCR said: Every time I do something like that, I give away my power to her [and him].
I do have good news, but I'll make a new post in case I lose this!
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I will have to finish reading your post- but ALVIN SLAUGHTER--- I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lucky dog you!!
Love, LIsa
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
I managed to pump S5 for some info re. ow. He's so innocent, little sweetie!
Now, H took D10 to a fancy salon to get her hair cut for the second time. The first time was NYE, and he told me he had a "friend" who worked there. But it was a man who cut her hair, so I didn't think anything of it.
So I ask S5 if ow works at the salon. He says yes. Ah ha! So why didn't she cut D's hair? According to S5, she works at the cash.
I ask D why ow didn't cut her hair (in a nice way, not info gathering way), and she says, "Oh she doesn't do hair. She's a make-up artist or something."
I also found out from S5 that she has an apt, not a house. I know it's in a kind of okay, but not very nice area.
Please forgive me for sounding like a snob, but I do feel better now.
First of all, I'm sure she is pretty because an expensive, downtown salon does not hire unattractive people; that's a given. But okay, I get enough looks from men to know that I'm attractive too.
Secondly, she's a make-up artist/cashier/whatever at a hair salon. I have three degrees and teach college. Honestly, not to sound too stuck-up, but who's got the brains here? No wonder he likes her so much--she must make him feel like a genius. He always has felt inferior to me b/c I am quicker than he is.
Thirdly, I now have some insight into her and actually feel bad for her, in a way. No, I'm not a saint, but I do. Here's why:
- She's not educated - She doesn't have a great job ($ wise at least) - She has an apt in a very working-class part of town - H must seem like her knight in shining armour: he's charming, good job, house in a trendy area (soon to be mine, but still), smart, interesting, etc. - She is trying so hard to impress him through my kids. This annoys me, but now it makes sense: she thinks she's found the man of her dreams, and he is going to rescue her.
H is a vain man, always has been (he would tell you this). He will be very happy to have someone who thinks he is wonderful, BUT he also wants someone he can talk to. He will get bored. No wonder he's always trying to have nice little convos with me about things--he's missing that. Plus, he wants a woman he can be proud of when he introduces her to others.
This may last, but if it does, it'll be because he feels superior to her, and he didn't feel that way about me.
All this has helped me a lot. I need to really get to feeling good again, and then I can meet her. Even if she's a stunner (doubt it, but who knows? Probably good-looking, but so am I), she doesn't have a lot of my good qualities.
I had really been feeling like I was ready to meet someone new, till I found out about ow and had my relapse. Now, I'm wondering about that again. No 2x4's please! I know I'm not D'd yet, but I'm just thinking, not getting engaged, lol!
Happy Easter everyone!
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Didn't we ALL tell you that OW was nothing...FOR WEEKS now?
But, nothing like finding it out yourself.
And, you hit it on the head, all the reasons you stated for the R are valid. You teach criminology, right? So, you can put together the facts for the real story!
Look, about your conversation...don't sweat it. This is about YOU, right? Not about "who loses their cool first is a loser." If you lose your cool, who cares. As long as you said what you wanted.
THink of it this way, and stop worrying what he thinks of you and what you looked like.
HE is the one that walked out on his family and W HE is the one that had no integrity and lied and cheated HE is the one with an OW who does not come close to his W
So what are YOU getting your panties in a twist over? What you look like to HIM? For real, Nicola.
Wow, I am so sorry - and can identify so much - with what you're going through. Yes, some days it does feel like hell - and, as far as I'm concerned - it is. Your words were like hearing an echo in my heart. I am nearly exactly at the point you are and I can't tango alone anymore either. It's time to move on, to start fresh, to give myself a chance at whatever else God has in store for me and my S4.5. But accepting my powerlessness and the end of my M is about the most painful thing I've ever experienced..it will take time and lots of tears, and friend's shoulders, and God's help to recover anew.
My T has given me a really good perspective on *why" which is what I struggle with. None of it makes sense! One day I was in a happy M with the love of my life, and the next I am sitting here writing about getting a D. My T and I talk about my H and it helps me to realize that all of this is about *him* and his lack of maturity and ability to sustain a marriage. He made choices and keeps making choices based in fear and lack of depth of character, the easy way out, whatever. He did a great job of portraying his "pseudo self" for a long time, the person he thought everyone wanted him to be and just came to a point nearly 2 years ago he couldn't keep it up anymore. All the anger and resentment and *victimhood* seeped in and now it's like he can't see life any other way except through his own self-centeredness.
Whenever my envy & jealousy for Ow seep in, I ask myself - "would I want their R?" . Hell No! They are not happy - at least not by my definition of happiness. When I feel happy I am light,my conscious is clear and I am enjoying the goodness of life. Can they say that? I doubt it! For them it's all about brooding, secrets & lies, and taking *joy* in their tiny little lives. I feel angry when I imagine them playing house w/ my S4.5, but then I remember - my S and I are bonded together in a way no other can be. I am his mommy, she will only ever be someone his daddy has around. Even if he likes Ow, someday he will grow up and learn where she came from...from infidelity.
I'm sorry if I've hijacked your thread! I just want you to know that I am out here and praying for you because I can really understand your sadness and pain.
You know what's made me feel good recently? I finally got my hair done in a way that I really like, I've actually found myself attracted to men again, I've gone to some interesting exhibits, went to an amusement park and acted like a kid all day. I have created a really nice home for myself and S4.5, it's all me and I love it. I feel like I'm accomplishing good things at work. I bought a yoga DVD (still haven't tried it yet)....but I will! And today, I told my H when he picked up S4.5 that I wanted my place to myself all day (he usually stays in the morning and I leave for the day) - this is the first time in a long time that I have actually been home alone with nothing pressing to do.
Life is short! I try to focus as much as I can on what's still great about my life, and when the feelings come I feel them and then let them pass.
A big hug for you!
Monica
Monica
My sitch: Me 40 H 30 M 8 yrs 1 S5.5 Bomb Oct 2005 Sep Nov 2005 H w/ Ow I filed for LS June 2007 H responded w/ D 2007 I have sole P custody, joint L Just need to take care of Final Judgement papers
