I wouldn't recommend saying that to your H, it sounds like something a mother would say and that is not what you want to be in his life...the disapproving mother. When my H left he didn't see our S17, who was 15 at that time, for nearly 6 weeks. He didn't talk to either of the boys for at least 2 weeks. I felt as if he was too ashamed and it made him feel guilty to see them.
Try acting the way you would if he was just a good friend of the family. Maybe you could do what Snodderly suggested to MrsH. She suggested that she make up a little Easter basket for her children to give to H. Is that something that you might have done if you were still together. You have to be the person that he would feel comfortable turning to when this all falls apart for him.
I know how hard this is, I am afraid I wasn't very good at doing this either, but now I am paying the price as H doesn't even speak to me. We have another D hearing on Wednesday. H filed in January of 2006 and we still are not D. Not sure how much longer this will go on. I am just praying that H will wake up soon.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
I don't think there is anyhope for my M at all. The way H is being I don't want it right now. My B-day just passed and H did not even get me a card from the kids...Both D's recently had b-days and H got them a present but did not get them presents from their half brothers!
I did get Easter baskets for my stepsons, a birthday present for my stepson and easter baskets for my neice and nephew (H's side)
I think I will tell my MIL that I will bring the kids over in the morning so she can see them in their Easter dresses. H will not be there since he only stays there when he has the kids overnight.
H filed for D on 3/23 and we are going to court in 2 weeks b/c we need a temp order for $$...H is not giving it to me on time and it is very sporadic. H wants this new life but he still needs to pay 1/2 of his old one.
H is not thoughtful and very selfish...I did get him an Easter card from the girls and I think that is good enough. It is going to be very hard to keep my mouth shut on this one...How can he have his boys and not include the girls??? If it is guilt..GOOD he should be guilty! H leaves me to explain to D5 why she is not going to be with her cousins tomorrow!! Thanks alot!!!
D5 has her friend birthday party today so I am off to that...invited H...said he would see what he could do...NO SHOW I am sure of it!
I need to express my feelings to H...How do I do it??? Any suggestions?
mmo2g ...you cant...it will only put more pressure where there already is pressure.....he will just use it to validate his choices...excuse me...poor choices.....bite your tongue and vent here. we love you!
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
I know how hard it is for you to keep your feelings to yourself especially about your daughters. But you must, do you have a friend you can vent all of this to? Do that or bring it here and then is you pray, then give it to God and let him guide you. It works!! It wasn't until I renew my R with God that I began to feel some peace. I am really not trying to preach here, it is just a suggestion.
Spend your time this weekend making it as fun as you can for your daughters. Whether you know it or not, H will be thinking of you all and feeling guilt without you saying a word to him. There will likely be some tension from the rest of the family because you are not there with him.
I found out a little while ago, that last year when H and Ss went to our usual vacation spot with his family, that H talked about m just about the whole week. That is when we had the touch and go, then he got involved with OW. I feel that it was because he was starting to realize what he had lost and he got scared because he wasn't ready to come home.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
The others are right, you can't say anything to him even about your D's. I know your're angry, but bring it here. It could be that your anger is making him feel more guilty. That really isn't good b/c the guiltier he feels the less likely he is to see his D's. I think you need to stop comparing what you do for his son's with what he does. He isn't you and he's insane. Be you kind sweet self (as always) for the boys and the others in your life. Do not expect anything from him. It will make you crazy and not help your sitch at all.
Have a great time at you D's party and a wonderful Easter.
Thanks for all the advice...yet another bomb today...H lost his job again!!! He just started it 3 weeks ago!! H hasn't told me yet...one of my friends called and told me. Supposedly company is going in a different direction...How do you know someone isn't cut out for your different direction in 3 weeks???
H did call today to see how D5 b-day party went...I said ok and he said ok...bye...WTF???
I also gave my dog away to a new family today b/c she has become too much for me to handle with the baby. UGH...today just sucks...I am also worried about $$ now that H has no job...when do you think he might tell me??
Who knows when he'll tell you. The question is, is he motivated to get another one quickly? You may have to start considering some tough choices. Could you change jobs to make more? How is the real estate market where you are? Is selling the house an option? I don't want to add additional stress to your already overloaded head, but like I said you may have to look at some things you don't want to do. Sorry.
I don't know about letting someone go b/c the company was changing directions. I have to say that sounds fishy to me. Are you in a "right to work" state? I am, and in CA companies will dance around all sorts of things to keep from being sued.
I'm really sorry you had to give your dog away. I know that's hard. You just have so much coming at you right now, I wish I could be more help.
Thanks Grace, Luckily I have a good job teaching...changing jobs for me is not an option...The real estate market is terrible right now...I would not make much of a profit on my house (only been here 2 1/2 yrs) and the prices of houses are high...
I think the firing sounds fishy too!! Maybe they did not like his attitude, it is pretty bad lately!
Thank you for sticking with me today!! I am going to bed early with a MAJOR stress headache... Happy Easter!
Hang in there sweetheart. One thing that took me a long long time to realize was this. H wants you to get mad as hell at him. This then justifies his rotten behavior. I have been consistently sweet to my H for the last month. He keeps coming around the house more and has this WTF look on his face all the time now.
I can tell he is doing some serious thinking about the rotten choices he has made in his life. He is trying to find any thing bad on me that he can - he can't. I keep smiling and being sweet as can be. Don't get me wrong, it is hard. I will probably get an ulcer from this. I want to save my marriage. I want my children to have their father back.
Me: 45 H: 43 Married: 19 years Dated 05 years Bomb: 11/06 OW - "I love her, but still want you as my friend"
"risk my kids getting mad at me..."ummm, yeah I sure would. I totally agree about the mil being afraid of bugging her badly behaving son, whom she may never have once disciplined, and blood is thicker --blah blah blah. WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS, if my son EVER does this &%&%** to MY grandkids,
I will be the one who is MAD and HE will hear about it b/c I will fly out to wherever he lives, with whomever, and flippin' apologize for somehow not teaching him the meaning of vows. Then I will REMIND him and do some 'splainin' about right and wrong. Then I'd go over the grandkids and d-il and HELP THEM...geez!! If the DIL is a nut, I'll still be there for the grandkids. THEY are ALSO our flesh and blood and what about that? Sorry I'm screaming. I am in "piecing" and am grateful to be there, I promise. BUT my mil has dropped from the face of the earth for me and our children. NOT ONE call to them or here, unless H was here...I will NEVER ask or expect anything of her. Yet what a loss for her. To have no real relationships with her only grandchildren. After d18 has already gotten the short end of the stick with H missing her last two years at home with us, in high school, MIL said she can't come to d18's graduation b/c she has to take care of her DOGS, (I swear) who she said, and I'm quoting her exactly: "You know, my dogs aren't gonna be around forever...I want to spend as much time with them as...." THIS --from a grandmother who last saw her granddaughters....I swear, I cannot remember---at least a full year, maybe two or three??
Our son's college is on the east coast, so when he visits MY family, which is 3 hours from her, HE takes a bus/train to go spend an afternoon with her... once a year, maybe twice. That's it. She gives him money....Her only grandchildren...she makes NO effort to see them. Has visited our home once in 17 years, the week my dad died.
But then I tell myself, BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR....What IF she Did come? Gross, plus FIL and MIL divorced decades ago and HE is coming. Irony is, HE has been supportive and invited daughters to see him and his wife, who is great...you never know who WILL be there for you and it can be as shocking as who isn't.
Sorry to hijack Mom2, I've been thinking of you a lot. Your mil and the photos, and comment, obviously, "...ummm pushed my buttons-lights flashing---, etc.
and btw, I'm a L and 6k is a big retainer if you aren't wealthy....H earns 6 figures and I paid half that as a retainer, here near LA, and got most back when I withdrew the sep papers. Where do you live again? I should probably move there to practice law...except I HATE divorce law, and the most likely L's to be killed are divorce lawyers....big surprise there.
I forgot, you DO have your own, right? God, your H DOES win some award for nerve...and total obliviousness. Don't overdo the guilt trips b/c men can only handle so much of it (guess women too) and with my H, after a SMALL dose of guilt he'll feel overwhelmed and lash out. I read some Russian author who said, "When men feel guilt, they attack." Interesting. My H is half Russian... Remember Mom2, this too, shall pass. You will survive, and more. j-
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 04/08/0701:09 AM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
