I know you have mentioned that your W reads other message boards, trying to learn about marriage problems. Am I correct in assuming she is trying to understand how to deal with an H in MLC, or some other kind of issue? Maybe trying to understand your emotional swings, lack of esteem, your abuse issues, etc? I don’t know exactly what is triggering Nop’s “full gale warning,” but I do not assume she is having an affair, online or otherwise. Living right across the street from her parents can be a problem for a marriage in its own right, but one good thing is that her parents can be a watchdog over her. It would be a little harder for her to be seeing someone else, what with an armload of kids, and answering to her nosey mother. I may be wrong, so keep your eyes open but don’t let this unnecessarily stress you.
Her response was not expected at all ... "I don't want to outlive my kids."
This response does not surprise me at all. In fact, it is very much in line with what I would expect. My W was exactly the same way. Early in our M, I noticed that she never seemed to look, plan or think more than a month into the future. She had no idea what she wanted to do or where she wanted to go. This made a lot of sense from the perspective of a person who is only concerned with survival. One day at a time.
Perhaps this applies to your W? Did she have goals before you two married? What did she want to do in life then? What ever those goals were may be your best insight to what she would like to do. For now, her kids are her life. End of story.
The other thing I see in her statement is fear. She does not want the pain of losing her kids. She is focusing on avoiding disaster rather than living for something positive. The glass half empty versus half full thing. Why she does this may be very important for her to realize. Are you sure you know everything about her past? It is hard to understand this way of thinking without some kind of trauma or abuse.
Now my stupid internal "what about me?" imp was starting to scream, but I persisted.
Good for you in persisting. Try to not deny the feelings of your “imp” but rather observe them. Each time that imp acts up, know that after all is said and done, your W is still there. She has not left, nothing has changed. So that imp is just a conversation in your head. Try to see that it is really born out of a conditioned emotional response, sort of a brainwashing you received as a kid, and has nothing to do with reality.
I think it is good you focus on the positive and the good you have in your life. That way of thinking will take a lot of the negativity off your W. If she suspects you are in an MLC, t hen everything she will read on the internet will not be supportive. She will read that she has to just wait, that the “fog” of MLC can take years to clear up, that a many men do not return to the marriage, that hey are susceptible to renewed affairs, that there is nothing she can do but to disengage, detach, be the best W she can and wait. If this is what she is reading, then I can see how she is looking at life as a single mother with no career, no security of income, possibly an exH starting up a new family with someone else, so why would she be able to focus on anything else other than her kids. How could she see any further into the future than that? To me, these are the tertiary effects of unresolved FOO, your FOO and hers.
I believe your W is scared sh!tless. Scared because of her own issues and scared because of what you did. Get off YOUR pity pot, tell that imp to shut up, take responsibility for your actions, but only your responsibility, not hers, stop dancing on eggshells and worrying about how you should phrase a particular sentence and just open up. If this is difficult for you, then learn from Hairdog. Maybe lay out your thoughts in email. I doubt she will put much effort into replying, other than to appease you, but at least you can organize your intentions and approach.
A good place to start would be to just ask what it is she is doing on the PC at night. That should lead to an awful lot of topics for discussion.
