Matilda, Yes, she was out all night--third time this week.
She has returned to the Friday night venue because her favorite dance partner has been coming. Her second favorite dance partner already goes there. I'm competent with the fundamentals, but don't yet have the skill level to do a "wow" kind of dance. She wants to be challenged.
When we were separated, she lived in Florida. I'm in Ohio. I prematurely contacted an attorney, and had separation papers drafted. I was moving-on. She came back for a visit to help me with what turned-out to be a medical false alarm. She decided to move-back and give the R another chance.
I recall that she seemed to go into a depression. She didn't work for long periods of time. She lived in front of the computer. I knew something had to change. When she asked me to join her for a dance lesson, I went. This was the start of her dancing hobby, that has since blossomed for her.
The sexual issues reemerged--low frequency (she has higher drive and is less inhibited than I am). I went back to a therapist. It was always framed by her, that I was the one with intimacy issues. She failed to acknowledge any contribution to the problem.
It was a stressful time, trying to keep things afloat on my salary. Bills were paid, with little left over. However, I kept going to dance lessons, to create different kinds of positive connections in the R, and for my own personal growth.
I purchased some sexual videos last fall, with the hopes of improving our sex life. We began to have sex on a more frequent basis. She still wasn't happy, saying that the quality needed to be better. The GW/sleeping elsewhere behavior began.
I can't see any benefit of knowing the details of her secret life. I understand the basic dynamics. I just need to know if it's occurring or not. The evidence presumes that an A is occurring. I don't know to what extent it's EA vs. PA but it's irrlevant.
What's important is that at some point the exit needs to be closed (or we need to move on), and she needs to work on her problems--finding enjoyable work that pays for the type of lifestyle she wants, quitting smoking to prevent health problems, doing activities that promote confidence and personal growth, and stopping maladaptive behaviors that serve as avoidance. She also needs IMO to have realistic expectations of what a M can provide, and be grateful for the joys and positives it already does provide.
I will continue with my GAL activities, which target areas I need to work on (social connection, cultivating friendships, enjoyable hobbies). My R goals are 1) to listen and be present for joint activities, and 2)to practice positive communication. Physical and sexual intimacy goals will have to wait.
I'm working on moving from pain to power. I'm doing the right things, but now I need to infuse my thoughts/words/actions with confidence. This is part of the detachment process. I need to break the codependency I relied upon for safety, in the M. I'm hovering somewhere in the middle on the "pain to power" spectrum. It's time to be a better version of independence, than I was prior to M.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
