Things can always get better...that doesn't mean they will not first get worse. But MLC is not (in most cases) a permanent life condition.
It is however, usually loner than the two years you have experienced thus far...especially if the OM relationship has not yet gone physical.
Quote:
I still love my wife and want to save my marriage, but it's probably too late for this.
So sad...that is such a common assumption at a stage like this...and it is not accurate at all.
You have been doing 180s, thinking that will change her mind. Well, that's not how DB'ing works...at least not for an MLCer. DB'ing now sets a foundation for a return later. MLCers will continue to go through the tunnel and get worse regardlessof how well you DB. It is not something you can or even should stop....because if you could stop the MLC and yank her out the front of the tunnel...she would have to go back in later or immediately...and the crisis would be worse.
So she is insisting on the divorce. What are you doing about that? Are you contesting? The motivation (at least mine) for contesting was to drag it out long enough for them to change their mind...in time. But the legal timeline is usually much shorter than the MLC timeline...legally, you cannot stop someone from divorcing you...at least not where I come from.
SO if it does go through...this may provide her with relief...but I'm with you in that it may more likely send her spiralling further downward. That will either be immediate or there will be a few days/weeks of freedom exhilaration first.
But perhaps this is what will send her into true depressive Liminality where she can hit bottom and deal with her demons.
Your job is to be safe. Forget 180s and strategies. You have had two years to learn patience and make your own changes. Be you. Help her to feel safe with you...and she may not, but that is because you are a mirror of her guilt...do nothing yourself to make her fear or feel uncomfortable with you.
Think Agape and forgiveness...those are each without conditions. To feel safe, she must feel that she wis not being and will not be judged. Be her friend...her shoulder for crying...BUT at the same time step back as needed. If she learns to lean on you too much, she will not solve her own problems but seel solutions from you instead....you make her feel...rather than she can make herself feel.
I truly believe that most MLCer want to return...and many are unable because the LBS is not open to a return. But that return is with TIME. Do and Be these things
Consistent: You want to be married...then act it. Standers do not date.
Agape
Forgiveness
Safety
Patience
Have you told her why you are contesting or do not want a divorce. Because you love her is not enough...though being loved is meant to help self-worth, right now she 'knows' she is unworthy and this may only make her feel more guilt.
If you continue to wear your ring...particularly after finalization of the legal process...and she notices and comments, what will you say?
This isn't about waiting for her...again that is guilt and pressure, and to her you will be in denial.
No, instead this is about a belief system. You married her for life, and though she has chosen to break those vows, you will not. This is telling her that she does not have to come back to you (no pressure) but you will remain faithful to your vows made with her before God.
Let Go...often MLCers are at the end of the string and you are the yo-yo...so just Let Go, GAL and be patient.
