Thanks for not giving up on me, 1210. And thanks for the post. It helped me to think about a lot of things from a different perspective.
In fact, maybe that is why I ask so many questions all the time and then ask them in different ways again - because for some reason I need to hear it said a certain way or a certain amount of times or when I'm in a certain mental state, etc., in order to truly "get it" or accept it or understand it or whatever it may be. To that end, maybe this is why I am the same way with H. I just think that if I say the right thing or say it a certain way that he'll agree with me, do what I want him to do, etc. Hmmm... Just a thought. Lin, I know you said you were the same way I am about this. Thoughts?
BTW, where is my buddy, Virginia???? Have you guys seen her lately?
Quote:
You aren't weak, you lost yourself by giving him your personal power
I didn't FEEL like I was this way BEFORE this happened... Sure, I depended on him for "man stuff," - no offense intended to the ladies who do these things themselves - but things like fixing the toilet, changing the oil in the cars, trimming the big trees in our yard, cleaing out the gutters on the house, repairing my car if it breaks down, etc. It's only natural, though maybe not healthy, when you're married for each person to take on certain roles and activities within the marriage. For us, the roles we took/take on compliment each other very well, both in our personal lives and in our business (well, except for the sex and personal communication issues). So, you may find this hard to believe, but I AM very independent. I enjoy being by myself. It gives me strength and helps me to focus. It makes me happy. It centers me. So... when we were "together," I often "cherished" the nights he would go out with the guys, go away for the weekend, go visit his parents, etc. I got some alone time!!! We saw each other frequently - mostly at the business and job sites, so it was a welcome and healthy "break" for us. So I DON'T feel like I was clingy and needy before - quite the opposite. Unfortunately, the very thing that used to bring me such pleasure is now tearing me apart, that being being by myself. It allows me too much time for my mind to wander, for my emotions to spiral - I'm not being "forced" to keep my wits about me.
It was only after this happened that I realized I don't think how much I "depend" on him, but rather how much I had made him a part of my world - there's the personal life, the business life, the social life, and the family life. Although we each contributed to all of those things, WE DID IT ALL TOGETHER for the most part. I didn't DEPEND on him for these things; we BOTH contributed something to all of these things, and I cherished my alone time as well. Now, without him, I just feel like EVERYTHING has changed so much since we were so involved with all of those aspects together. I don't know if that makes sense....
And I've NEVER really had a lot of friends. My "style" has been to find a few close friends and protect that friendship with my life. As I said, I enjoy(ed) my alone time and often would much prefer sitting down and reading a mindless magazine for an evening rather than going out to dinner with a friend or something. It wasn't that I didn't ENJOY going out or seeing my friends - I guess it just wasn't my "preference."
So, now I find myself in a position where being alone is the absolute WRONG thing to do right now, AND I don't have a lot of friends, AND the ones I do have know us both very well (except for the one I told you about that I saw the movie with the other night that is going through a separation). AND I have no family here besides H's, except my Mom and Dad, who live about 3 hours away.
Again, no excuses, but for those of you who were/are naturally more social and have a lot of friends and family around, I surmise that helped a great deal - or maybe I'm wrong; maybe it was harder because you were around them more and had to answer questions about H and your R?
So, I guess bottom line... if you feel like I've lost my power, how do I GET my power back? How do I BECOME strong like you guys? Will this just naturally come a little at a time with GALing and letting him go?
And, again, it feels like you're expecting me to be able to just flip some switch to just "stop" doing all of these things. I DO see that they are unproductive; I need your help and advice on HOW to make this better. Again, is it just by GALing and letting him go for now?
AND since I have to work so much right now to get caught up, what can I do during those alone times to not allow myself to spiral out of control? I work towards pushing the negative thoughts out of my mind when they enter - I use the stop sign method. But inevitably they come right back... Thus, me going from strong to a breakdown in seemingly seconds sometimes. I actually need to DO something to help completely take my mind OFF of the R, H, me, etc. And having to sit behind a computer by myself the whole day isn't exactly ideal for that...
However, when I have to go meet people at the job site and have appointments and whatnot, I do okay. Do I feel like my old self and like the world is my oyster? Absolutely not. But at least I can hold myself together and not have a meltdown in front of them. The pain is still gut-wrenching; it's just buried in the bottom of my stomach - temporarily unfortunately. But 95% of the work I have to get caught up on right now is stuff I need to do at the office - by myself.
Anyway, thoughts on this?
Also, I am so tired of waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep for a few hours... Have any of you had any luck with doing anything before bed that allows you to actually sleep through the night? I was sooooooo tired last night. I thought I was going to sleep for 24 hours (and I was so excited about that...) But, alas, here I am again awake in the middle of the night... Will ask doctor if any of the meds may be causing this. However, before I got the meds, this was happening already. I was getting a grasp on it before the first trip and was able to sleep fairly well most nights. But now.... ugh.
Okay, and finally for tonight... about Easter. H still hasn't brought it up (surprise, he's "avoiding thinking about something" again...) He told me he is going to work with his Dad on his racecar tomorrow during the day (hopefully it will help our cause for him to be around his family and not backfire and make him feel like that SHE would be a better fit to make him happy??). At any rate, I'll think good thoughts about him doing tht tomorrow. Then tomorrow night he said he was going to a friend's house to play poker. BTW, I didn't ASK him what he was doing tomorrow. It simply came up because I had scheduled an appointment for both of us for tomorrow afternoon and when checking to make sure that the date/time worked for him, that is when he told me these things. But he didn't talk about Sunday/Easter at all.
So, if he doesn't bring it up, I'm NOT going to go, okay? I pray that nothing happens to his grandmother before I see her again (it would be awkward for me to just go see her without H).
If he does bring it up, I'm not sure what I'll do yet. I have a feeling that the more likely thing will be that H's Mom will call me to ask me about it. However, she would have usually called me before now regarding plans for the weekend. So maybe she has already mentioned it to H and H has already told her that we're too busy to go or something and just didn't tell me that...
Anyway, if I don't go, that will mean I have that much more time to work this weekend, which is good right now. And if H goes without me without saying anything to me, HE can explain while I'm not there. He already told me regarding the trip to his parents' home that he didn't want to go by himself because it would be awkward to explain to them why I wasn't there - well, good! Let it be awkward for him! He ultimately made the choice to go to this extreme - he needs to start dealing with some of the fallout from it.
Oh, quick side note... Regarding the OW "letting" him go on these trips, I believe that H told her they were business trips and did not tell her that I was going on them with him. Otherwise, unless she has absolutely no manners or thoughts about anyone else's feelings, I don't think she would have been texting him when WE were on our trip together nor when he was at his parents' house with me. I could be wrong; H could have even initiated the contacts. I just can't believe that OW would be so inconsiderate as to communicate with him if she truly new the situations he was in. I purposely do not call him after a certain time at night or on the weekends - worried that I'm going to call when they're together or whatnot. Maybe it's not right for me to feel that way. Maybe I shouldn't care when I call him and, again, let him deal with the fallout from it.
Okay, bedtime (or at least I'll try...)
You're right: I CAN do this.... if I want him back, and I do with all of my heart and soul. Please keep pushing me to do the things I need to do to make this happen. I know I ultimately am the one who needs to implement these things, but please just keep kicking me in the butt and encouraging me. It really helps when you tell me that what I'm doing in the past/now is only making things worse rather than helping and that the best - if not the ONLY - chance that I have of getting him back is if I willingly and purposefully go on this journey and let him go on his.
Side bar (since I think we're close to the 6 month mark of this A with OW, and they obviously have not ended it yet, should I be more worried? - I hate possibly not falling into the "most A's end within 6 months" statement. It scares me...)
Okay - sleep NOW.
1210, thanks for sticking with me and shedding some not new light but some light from a different angle for me. That helped a lot.
I pray that nothing happens to his grandmother before I see her again (it would be awkward for me to just go see her without H).