First of all, as always, thanks so much to everyone for caring about ME so much, a complete stranger...
Lin, it bothered me when you said a few posts ago that I was dependent on H and now dependent on this board... Am I posting too much? As you all know, I have not told anyone but you guys and my counselor about what is going on. I have chosen at this point not to talk to anyone else about this. So when I get scared and meltdown, as well as when I have good times, I feel like I want to/need to reach out to YOU GUYS. Am I wrong in doing that? I don't want you to feel like I'm "pestering" you... You all have helped me so much and given me the strength that I'm still searching for within myself... I will never be able to thank you all enough. Lin, you already have a few shirts off MY back coming to you as well...
Okay... (I should tell you that it's late, I've been working hard all day and feel like I've been hit by a truck and am exhausted, so sorry in advance if I don't make sense in this post...) About the Xanax... First of all, THANK YOU to all of you for giving me so much information/advice on this. I promise I will talk to my doctor more about his at my appointment on Wednesday... My Xanax bottle says to take 1-2 pills as needed (or something to that effect). So, the doctor said to take one pill and if I didn't feel better in around half hour to an hour to take another one. It's only been one time that I've taken more than the 2 pills... AND I won't do that again.
I think I told you that I got the Lorazapam (sp?) this last week as well. I felt like the Xanax wasn't really having the same effect on me anymore, so the fill-in doctor gave me that to try as well. I've only taken it twice I think, and it makes me loopy, so will only use in extreme cases... AND I know I can't depend on them and need to get myself strong and not depend on these meds...
I should also remind you that my doctor said it could take around 4 weeks for the Wellbutrin to kick in and to see what effect that will have. It has been I think almost 2 weeks now. I'm not sure if it's helping yet, as I'm not sure exactly what to expect, but I do know that I'm still having extreme mood swings, and sometimes it feels like they're only 30 seconds apart! One second I feel so strong and positive, and the next second I'm a wreck... So, we'll see what happens with the Wellbutrin, too.
Also, my doctor said that we'll have to watch things and see if I may have bipolar disorder. I read a bit about that and do see some characteristics in myself that are related to bipolar disorder but have no idea how to know "for sure." I guess we'll cross the bridge when we come to it...
1210, I'm not trying to have a pity party, nor act like a child, nor get behind in my work, etc., etc. I feel like my world as I've known it has been shattered before my eyes... I know you know that, and I know you've been through this, too. Maybe it's because you're so much stronger than me right now and have grown so much yourself that it's so easy for you to see me as so weak? I realize that it is a conscious choice that I have to make to act differently to get different results and that what I have been doing for the most part has not worked in my favor. I get that. It's almost as if I just feel so overwhelmed and am in so much pain that I feel physically, emotionally, and mentally like I CAN'T do this, if that makes sense? It's like someone is pushing me into the ground and I can't get up... So while I do understand that it is a conscious CHOICE that I have to just make, I AM weak right now, I AM hurting, I AM having a hard time with this... And when you tell me to just "get on with it," it hurts, because I feel so unable to do that right now, and I'm angry and hurt that I feel that way.
I honestly DO want your help, and I appreciate so much your writing while you are recovering... And your "tough love" always kicks me in the butt. At the same time, I don't want to feel like I can't tell you guys how I'm feeling - I don't want to pretend I'm feeling something I'm not or that I'm stronger than I am right now. It's not that I don't WANT to be strong, and I know you've all told me what to do and that it's not until I choose to do these things will I get stronger - like Lin said, it will be a snowball effect, either downwards or upwards, and that choice is mine... So I hope you'll be patient with me... I don't want to lose your advice.
Also, as I think Virginia pointed out, when this first happened in November, I believe I was in denial. Sure, there was the initial blow that socked me hard in the stomach, but once H told me he had searched in his heart and had decided to give us another chance, somehow though the pain was still there, it decreased so much... I was able to cope so much better, hanging on to the "hope" that H had given me. I now look back and see all of the errors in my ways in believing in his words and not choosing to change myself and grow and find hope with myself, and I'm not trying to kid myself now that this hasn't been going on since November. I'm just trying to get across my point that I FEEL DIFFERENT THIS TIME... I know I still have some hope from H (AND that I need to find the hope inside myself instead), but to hear the words that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore, that it's too late to save our marriage, etc. - 1210, I hadn't heard those words before. I might have supposed to have interpreted them on my own, but I guess I was so naive and wanted so desperately to believe that everything was going to be okay, that i just had to "wait"...
To that end, I'm not trying to make excuses, but I just want to be honest with you about how I feel and what I'm going through... I'm being forced to face the facts this time around, whereas before I was choosing to place my faith in the hope that we were going to work on making our M work. Virginia also said that it may be that only now am I beginning to experience the extreme sense of loss... Maybe that's what it is. I may not be explaining myself very well, but it's just different now, and it's a "fresh wound" so to speak...
Also, you may have already sensed this about me, but I've always been an "overachiever," a perfectionist... I've NEVER quit at anything I've started (except for one career I hated), NEVER given up, hardly EVER failed at anything, got great grades in school, received honors, exceled in what I did... Now, to feel like I even have the chance at FAILING at one of THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY LIFE??? I don't have much experience with this kind of pain and frustration, and to have it be something this important and this gut-wrenching to "break me in" is something I can't even put into words.... Furthermore, I have never really had any intense losses or suffering in my life yet. It was hard when I lost my grandmother and when the pets I've had passed on... That's about the most traumatizing things I think I've been through... And then "BANG" - let's just hit me with THIS?
I know I'm rambling... sorry. I just want you to know that I honestly am going through a whole new set of very intense emotions this time around that I honestly did NOT experience before. 1210, you sound as if I started this roller coaster in November and should be so much stronger now. For me, although the roller coaster started in November, it was a "kids' roller coaster" compared to the loopty-loop, hair-raising, flying backwards roller coaster that I got on a month ago - whether I was in denial in before now or whatever the reason was, I just did not feel the same sense of loss, desperation, hurt, sadness, and all of the other emotions so intensely. Whether that's right or wrong, that's how I feel. Again, I just want to feel like that I can be honest with you guys and not pretend... I know you get frustrated with me often when I don't do what you say - I AM very strong-willed when it comes to getting my mind set on something - AND I know I need to turn that drive into doing what you're telling me to do...
Yes, Lin, I DO fret that if I move my office home H will not miss me and will feel like he will be okay without me... And I guess that's the chance I have to take and hope that rather than feeling that way he will instead miss me...
I was thinking about something today that I wanted to ask you about... I realized in Vegas that I obviously go through more intense emotions when I'm alone, because I am not going to have a meltdown in front of other people, and when I'm around other people it helps to get my mind off this whole thing... So, the question is, if I work from home (even though most of the time I'm alone at the office, too), I will be there in my home office all day long all by myself, and that's when I'm at my worst... AND, as I explained, I am so far behind on work that it's going to be very difficult to GAL right now... What all this means is that I am already in a situation and would be putting myself in another situation where I'm at my worst... I know I potentially only have a short time to do what I need to get done, and I just want the best chance I can of getting as strong as you guys are, and I'm being honest with you when I tell you that I'm just having such a hard time doing this on my own... Maybe you view that as a "pity party." For me, I physically, emotionally, and mentally am going through something so horrible that I've never experienced before, don't ever want to experience again, and would not wish on my worst enemy... Believe me, I don't want to be behind in my work, I don't want to let you all down - or myself or H. But to hear you just say to stop my woe is me attitude and just get on with it... I WANT to do that, AND I am weak right now, whether that's right or wrong or my fault or not, it's where I'm at... And it sometimes feels like you're saying that all this should be EASY for me to do what needs to be done, that I'm just being a "kid" and being weak. I wish to God I was as strong as you and could just say "okay, today we are going to move the office home, don't call H, don't see H, don't think about H, GAL my butt off, get lots of rest, take care of myself, eat well, not take meds, etc., etc." While I KNOW these things are all what I need to be doing and, as Lin pointed out, VITAL right now to me having the best chance at making this work, sometimes it seems like you're saying it's just as easy as "flipping a switch" inside of me or something...
I want all of you guys' tough love when I need it, and I hope you realize that I'm not strong like you guys are right now, that I need to work at it, that this "new" pain is still very fresh for me... Are those excuses? Maybe. But is it the way I feel? Yes. Is that wrong and immature and not worthy of your respect? Maybe. But I hope all of this doesn't mean that you won't help me anymore. Again, just being honest. I hope you will at least respect me for that. I don't keep much from you guys...
So, do I want all of your continued support? - without a doubt. Do I respect and admire each and every one of you for not only having made it through this hell but for "giving back" and supporting me, a complete stranger? - I am honored. Am I having a hard time implementing what you're telling me to do? - unfortunately, yes. Does that make me weak, not full of pride, and not able to be respected by any of you or H? - maybe. Does that mean that I don't WANT to change? - heck, no. Do I know that it's ultimately up to ME to make the decision necessary to do that? - I know. Having said all of this, I pray that you're not telling me that I have to lie about how I feel and tell you that I'm stronger than I feel and just throw out all of these meds that are helping me right now and just pretend like I'm not having these intense feelings... Maybe by saying all of these things it means you will not choose to help me anymore, but if having your support means I have to lie to you guys, I just don't want to do that... If I can't tell you when I'm having a meltdown and ask for your encouragement but rather have to "act as if" I'm okay, that doesn't help me right now. I know I need to "act as if" in many of the DBing ways, but I hope I don't have to "act as if" around you guys... What I CAN tell you is that your advice and encouragement and support and belief in me and my marriage means the world to me right now, whether it seems like it or not...
Okay, must stop rambling now... You are probably going to say that this post has been full of excuses again and that I just need to get on with things... But I pray that this is a place where I can be myself, whatever that means - from hour to hour, from day to day, from week to week - and that you'll keep supporting me. It may take me longer to get on the right wagon than it did you guys or that you think it should be taking me... I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for your guys to KNOW what I need to do and that I CAN save my M if I just DO what you are telling me... and I'm sorry for that. I hope and pray that you will be patient with me and not give up on me and realize that at the end of the day, I just want to learn how to be as strong as you all are - however long that takes me. I hope you'll all still be my side when that day comes...
I hope you will respect me for being honest and telling you how I feel.
and am exhausted, so sorry in advance if I don't make sense in this post...) About the Xanax... First of all, THANK YOU to all of you for giving me so much information/advice on this. I promise I will talk to my doctor more about his at my appointment on Wednesday... My Xanax bottle says to take 1-2 pills as needed (or something to that effect). So, the doctor said to take one pill and if I didn't feel better in around half hour to an hour to take another one. It's only been one time that I've taken more than the 2 pills... AND I won't do that again. 