Bizarre situation

[geordie]

Nosedive.....today he was talking about the house and how he doesn't want me to have to sell - doesn't want to take the responsibility for me losing my career and life over here (we had been talking about what I would do if he didn't come back and I was honest and said that in order to give son the best quality of life with a real family I would move back home even if it meant giving up the career I had always wanted). Said he'd been away so long he didn't know if he could mentally come back...his feeling for OW strong..blah blah. Said he wasn't ready to stay the night this weekend when he is off work.

When will he ever be ready? I have heard this line from him for weeks.....I feel like a doormat now and I did say that if it was his decision not to stay over then I have to keep my boundaries in place and that I didn't think it would be appropriate to keep staying over here just to sleep off his night shift. He was surprised that I would stick to it and said "so if I am not staying tomorrow night then there is no point in coming here in the morning after my night shift"...I didn't answer. Everything seems so black and white to him that I am starting to wonder if I really should just get out of this relationship now and find something better. I even looked at him tonight through my tears and thought "what's the point? I can do so much better". I am trying to tell myself that this is a normal feeling in this situation but I can't get this nagging doubt away that perhaps someone somewhere is trying to tell me to get out of this relationship - because he will deceive me again and again.

We got into some OW talk - I know I shouldn't - but I told him the truth only this time we didn't argue. I calmly told him what I thought and that I thought he was better than to be infatuated with some low self-esteem person who thought it was OK to steal someone else's husband. I have admitted my part of the breakdown so many times (workaholic).

I suggested that perhaps he felt torn because she was starting to lay down the law with him and give ultimatums - and he didn't say anything (silence from him usually means I've hit the nail on the head).

He said "but this is the 2nd time I've done this to you" - almost like he wanted me to say that therefore how could I ever trust that he wouldn't do it again. Like he wants justification of why he shouldn't come back. I pointed out that last time it happened we were also neglecting our relationship - there is a pattern. I also said "so, in OW you have found the perfect person and despite having all the baggage you have now, and the guilt that you will no doubt carry with you, you will never cheat on her for the rest of your life?" That made him think.

Anyway, he went to work this evening and less than 10mins after he left he called "to talk"....we talked calmly - a little about his own upbringing and a bit about how no marriage is perfect but those who stay together work out the problems instead of running away and constantly thinking there's something better. It ended in a good way.

So, at this point I really don't know if he will come tomorrow morning after work or not. I guess I have to face facts that my marriage is all but over.