Yeah... this forum is a scary place! But I need to get advice and be focused on what lies ahead. Because.......
He just called. Finally! He has done it. YAY!!!!!!!!! He put the deposit down on his new apt. and is moving in Monday. He told OW last night and he's not gator bait so he just needs to get through the weekend and then he's over an hour away from "their" place and minutes from his job site.
He's 1300 miles away from me though and we have to do this long distance until we clear up a multitude of financial entanglements up here. He can't move home... that was part of the reason he gave up on us-- he didn't think we'd ever make it long distance. The emptiness was eating him up inside. The difference is, I told him he didn't have to choose between his job and his family. We are moving down to be with him. Somehow.
I'm soooo tired of being alone and soooooo excited/anxious to see him again after our last visit. This is where the patience and trust is needed more than ever.
He was laughing and excited about everything when he called though. He has to be so relieved to not have the "break up" conversation hanging over his head any longer. With him the OW wasn't really the issue. My situation, though horrible and humiliating, was actually facilitated because he ended up having to move in with her because he lost his company housing, company vehicle, tools, etc, when he lost the original job he left state for. He had another job lined up but suddenly found himself out on the street and the kindly OW took him in. <gag> It was truly the fastest way to force reality though. She was on her BEST behavior, but I was too. I just stayed sweet, strong and loving and took care of his home and kids and looked at her as a kleenex, but never made him defend her by letting him know how insignificant she was. It was all about HIM. Always. He started going nuts before he left for an out of state job (hindsight) but I just figured we'd sort it all out and that absence would make the heart grow fonder and all that. Eh, not so much.
Looking back, maybe it helped though. I know it has certainly given me time to work on myself without him seeing the meltdowns. Six months later, when I walked up to him on his job site, I was 20 lb. lighter, smiling, tan and beautiful without swolen eyelids. I was the girl he married and thanks to this site, I made sure of it before he had to look me in the eyes for the first time since he called me with that bomb.
We had the honeymoon (well, except for the best part of honeymoons ---ugh-- must. not. think. about. that.) while he chose to spend his time with me and talk about us instead of the kids/finances and left her ranting, raving, throwing his stuff out, etc. I was scared to come home and leave him there. That's when I thought I'd lose him back to the comfort zone he'd created. I got lucky. The comfort zone had been breached and he couldn't erase me any more... or his feelings for me.
It took him a month of almost daily communication and reaching out to friends and family again to convince himself that he could face himself, his family and me without hating himself and that I really could trust him again. I know this sets me up for terrible heartache should he waver... but there is no other way. I had to make a choice to trust him again.
I wish I could swoop down with the kids and the dogs and ease this transition, but this is his journey and I need to back off and let him drive. Step one has been put into action. I do believe I'm just going to sit back and enjoy this for today and try to keep myself busy through the weekend.
Does the pain of the "after effects" get in the way of your happiness? Somehow that "Stop Sign" technique has helped me through many lonely nights. Heh, maybe I'm just really, really good at deluding myself! Seriously though, because I can deal with it, he talks to me about most everything. I just have to learn to quit trying to make him feel better when he's acknowledging the damage he's done. After we cried and held each other for days, I enjoy just "forgetting it ever happened" part and laughing together again. Making plans and new memories and re-viving lots of old memories and routines is getting us closer. We haven't been together enough to fall into old routines and behavior patterns and both know what we stand to lose at this point if we do. I don't have to watch his every expression and wonder if he's thinking about her though, like so many of you who didn't separate. That must be soooo hard.
We'll never forget. But just like the women in his life before we met, they are all a small part of who he is today. They just aren't me though, and I refuse to give them more power than they deserve.
Of course, I'm having a particularly good day and this is when it all seems so easy, doesn't it. We'll just see how it goes when he calls me up all lonely as he goes home to his empty apartment. Er, I hope it's me that he calls. ARGH.
I'm just going to enjoy this for a moment. He's not divorcing me today.
