It's true what "they" say, when the fog lifts I would NOT trade the pain I've been through for what he's feeling now. He is in his own self-induced Hell and knows it. Ouch.
I have bits of my sitch in a few forums. The latest is in "I'm Thinking About Leaving", of all places. I was there because until I detached enough from his drama and was ready to move on without him, I wasn't strong enough to face my fears and do the 180's necessary to wake up SB to what he was losing. My posts are long and twisted... kinda like the latest few years of my marriage. Ha.
When we last left KCN and SB, he was ready to tell OW that he couldn't live a lie any longer and had to move out. He didn't call for a few days....... so of course, that meant he didn't tell her. I have NOT pushed him to do that though, not once. When I called him though, after that night, he FELT pushed because he knew I was expecting to hear him say he'd gone through with it so he was cold again and I jumped to a million conclusions that thankfully he never heard about because his voice mail was full and phone off.
The next time he called though, a few days later, was from a rental property he was checking out. He wanted to give me a phone tour while he looked at it. He even described the local water fowl and fish jumping. He had checked out the restaurants in the area and described the menu of one he wants to take me to when I come down.
The closer ya get, the scarier it gets. I've had a hard time validating his feelings as he's expressing remorse for every mistake he's made in the past 10 years. When he talks about the nights he came home at 2am to the ruined candlelit dinner, I have tended to try to "ease his pain" by saying "no one's perfect" -- I did blah blah blah. Wrong thing to do. This is NOT about me and I need to let him own his s%^t.
I must be doing something right though. I kind of "back pedal" db and fix it next phone call. Long distance has it's advantages because we both get a lot of time to think between conversations. It seems that each conversation that ends on a note with me scared to death he's going to waffle, I get determined to go dim and not let him suck me into the "house hunting" plans and calls until he gets rid of the OW. As soon as I make a plan, in my mind, he always calls back with another step toward bringing us back together. The same dance since the beginning of time. Back off and they come running after ya.
At first he "hated" me for disrupting his "comfort zone" when I showed up, unexpectedly, (hey, it's not MY fault he didn't listen to his voice mail!) to "talk" after he'd lived in this "Grimm's Fairy Tale" (his words) for 6 months. But as she started putting the pressure on after I "invaded her serenity", he has been facing the reality of the situation he's created and the damage he has done. She wants to buy a dog and a bird, he has both of these here, home with his family. When he mentioned coming "home" to see family, pay taxes, help me with house... she said it wasn't fair to her and she would come up with him. THAT will NOT be happening. He has let this happen and it's all suddenly clear to him now. He's been crying in disbelief to me on the phone that he's talking to his wife about how to break up with his girlfriend.
I suggested anti-depressants. I have read about the withdrawl a S can go through when ending an affair. He said it is self induced depression and as soon as he does "the right thing" he will be able to sleep and cut down on his drinking and smoking. At one point he said the next time he says "I love you" will be when he can promise to be faithful to me again. He still has a really warped sense of being faithful to one of us at a time. Drives me crazy, but I guess it's better than the alternative.
He said he'd been trying to convince himself he didn't love me since the first time he broke his vows... the night he didn't say no and "ruined everything." It's so hard to validate this stuff and not jump in and say "Everything will be okay, you aren't a bad person, you didn't mean to use her like that." But this is his pain and he needs to go through it to get to the other side or he'll never heal. He was trying to wait for a better time to leave her as she's lost a lot lately. He has decided that "like taking a vacation" the perfect time will never come.
Yesterday he called me from his driveway. He is meeting with the rental agt. at noon today to rent a new apt. and was headed inside to tell her he was sorry but he has been living a lie and needs to end it. He has realized that with every day she is getting closer to him and he feels nothing but trapped, pity, remorse and a little bit of disgust because reality can be harsh when you wake up after a year long binge and see who is lying next to you.
Tap.. tap... tap... I don't even know if I think he actually told her last night. He even admitted he should've told her a month ago but has managed to avoid it. I do believe he'll secure the apartment this afternoon. I think he needs some time alone before he'll call me though. I don't know. Maybe I'm just protecting myself by not allowing any expectations.
It takes a huge leap of faith to plan on moving 1300 miles away from family, friends and disrupting our son's life to try to piece back a marriage with someone who has been a total stranger to us for the last 8 months. I can just feel it though. I hear it in his voice. I had been writing down memories and things I'd admired for a while, just so I could find a reason to fight for this marriage... and now..... I am seeing the man I forgot existed.
The crazy stuff in the last stages of this thing keep us laughing through the tear filled phone calls... he'll call to have me listen to some gulls after he fed them a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
At the end of our phone call last night he just belched into the phone and said "There, you haven't heard that in a while", laughed and then said "gotta go tell her."
he has been facing the reality of the situation he's created and the damage he has done. She wants to buy a dog and a bird, he has both of these here, home with his family. When he mentioned coming "home" to see family, pay taxes, help me with house... she said it wasn't fair to her and she would come up with him. THAT will NOT be happening. He has let this happen and it's all suddenly clear to him now. He's been crying in disbelief to me on the phone that he's talking to his wife about how to break up with his girlfriend. 