First things first: "I feel like I've failed the others on this board by not fighting this D..." That's a load of crap. Don't you EVER say this or even think it again. You have only been a source of inspiration and dignity and comfort to this BB. Knock that negative stuff off. Don't make me come over there! Ditto!
Sweetie, there is no failure for those who try. The outcome may not be what you were seeking, but his MLC is not within your control. You are a shining success. But perfect DBers get divorced all the time...because their MLCers are lost, not ready...
How could you fail from having Stood for so long...you were Standing long before your register date. Those who Inwoul rate as failures...never accepted the process and even tried to Stand. They believed their MLCer from the beginning and curled up on the doormat of a speedy divorce...or they were filled with fury greater than Hell at the injustice...forigeness or Standing being completely unacceptable in any form to them.
I'm with MErmaid...that you are not ready because you do not want this.
BUT I also agree with you...that you are stuck in this personal limbo without a piece of paper telling you to move on. I wish I could help you with that.
Seeing everything in Black & White may be a part of this. Unfortunately, as you know, that is not life. But given that view, it is right now all or none for you. And I want you to get to a place where you will be able to focus on yourself, and heal. As a Stander, I always feel there is Hope and it is not a bad thing. You do not need to squash it. Just separate Hope from Expectation...sorry, the just made it sound simple, an d as you know, it's not.
Be careful about talking about the OW in front of the kids...you know taht already...but be careful about doing especially showing yourself upset--jealous.
This information given to your MLCer shows him that you are jealous--not a pretty trait that he wants to return to. And it shows to the OW and us on the board that you have given her your power. All this odes is work in her favour. This is the sort of behaviour that allows an OW to comfort the MLCer about his crazy spouse. It gives her more power and a greater sense of security in the relationship.
If you take back your power and are happy...the OW may wonder what is wrong...especially when your MLCer seem impressed with you. OWs are not worth jealousy. You are the better person in this situation. She is obviously morally deficient--otherwise she wouldn't be in a relationship with a married man. And as it was already said...your MLCer is trying to impress her by bonding with her child.
The casualty will be that little boy...poor guy.
You say that he is one you fear is so far lost in the MLC tunel that he may not come out...and in the next breath state that maybe he really is happy.
Sweetie, that's an an oxymoron. The MLC tunnel is incapable of supporting true happiness. It's a confusing enough place that for a time many think this is happiness, and when they do not feel it, they fake it so you think they are happy. Sorry, I don't want to buy that car...it's impossible.
So let's look toward you...Black & White and negative thoughts
Do you keep a jounral of these things? I'd like you to try that... Have you gone through other times now or other crisis where these sort of feelings have been present? How do these thoughts make you feel? What is going on specifically when these thoughts are present...wexternal events and internal thoughts? When these thoughts are not present, how do you feel then? How is your mood? Attitude?
What do these negative or limiting thoughts do for you?
These aren't answers...merely questions. Think these things through. What has your therapist said about your B&W thoughts? Have you set personal goals? Have you discuessed ways to reach those goals? Think about waht motivates you toward your goals.
Yesterday at work we talked about goals and barriers. IT made me think about something I posted back in October about the traits of PMA. When I created the meeting notes I also gave the list (not the prose following) to my department. MAybe it will be helpful for you too.
