Valentines day massacre

[LoginName]

OL,
You asked how to get over feeling it's your fault. One way is anger. You can get angry over what she has done and is doing to you. Anger can be a helpful emotion. It's dangerous, but it can be healing too.

My advise: feel some anger, but not around her. Take it someplace else, express it to friends, write about it here or in a journal. Punch inanimate things (I've beaten the crap out of the roof of my car, until my hand started hurting too much. Pillows might be a better idea ;)).

I think the following applies to all of us. We need to take responsibility for what our part in this mess is. We need to examine ourselves and our actions and own what we did wrong. Then we need to resolve to be better and correct those flaws. We don't need to beat ourselves up over it and martyr ourselves - that's not healthy or productive. We need to ask forgiveness of our spouse, then move on. One way I remember reading about this makes sense to me; put all the things you've done wrong mentally into a box. Present the box to the person you've wronged (this can be purely in your own mind, or by talking to her, a letter, whatever). Ask for forgiveness, then mentally walk away from it. You've done all that you can. Now they get to decide if they will forgive you or not. If they don't, that might be sad, but not that important. You need to forgive yourself and move on. Learning from your mistakes, but not fixating or beating yourself up over them.

Also, work on forgiving her. Do this not for her, or because you're so saintly, but because you need to for you. Feel the anger, process your feelings, then forgive her. It doesn't matter if you tell her you forgive her, or if she believes you. Do it for youself.

Another way, and the way I'm looking at my sitch, is to think of this mess as something that happened. I didn't cause it, she didn't do it, it just happened. To maybe go over board here; my M was like a house my W and I built in New Orleans. It was a good house, but we didn't take care of it enough. Then Katrina hit. We didn't cause Katrina, it just happened. We can learn from Katrina and build a new house together in a different place, on higher ground, even build separate houses. We can rebuild right where we were and risk another Katrina. The point is, Katrina hit. No one person is to blame. We can learn from it and move on, or play a blame game or sit around and cry about it. (some crying is necessary, but so is moving on, if we want to be healthy and happy in the future).

Having said all that, nothing you did forced her to have an EA or PA. She chose to do that. She might have her reasons, but she is responsible for her actions just like you are for yours.

so take responsibility for your part in the path your M/R has taken. Realize it wasn't just you who made the mistakes. Get angry if you need to, but the faster you let it go the better. Then learn, change and grow.

I wish I could give great advise about where and how to live. I know if you are optimistic, you'll have a better chance of finding a job. I know it's hard to be optimistic. You're doing well though.

Alaska makes some good points, and I think you need to consider them. It's one path to take. If it's what you want to do, then do it. I recommend against it though. I recommend against ultimatums. You're here, so it seems you would like your M/R to work out. Ulitmatums don't help that process. If you've had enough (only you can say when that is, and I wouldn't blame you if you have had enough. If you decide you have had enough, wait 24 hours before acting on that feeling, OK?) then do what you have to do. Either way, you should follow the same game plan; detach, GAL, work on yourself, live your life. That's the cool part. This stuff works and is good advise for all outcomes, even if you and your W reconcile (although then you might not want to detach too much).

You're an interesting guy OL. Feel free to express yourself here, whine all you want, I'll listen to whatever you have to say nonjudgementally. I wish the best for you. Good luck.