Looking backward but only to look forward SIX

[sage]

OK I'm back, though it may be quick as little miss is sleeping.

First off, Cadesmom34, I'm sorry that you are struggling. I don't know much about your sitch (save for what you have posted here) but perhaps some of the advice I'm getting could be useful to you, too? I think that Oldtimer was getting at something larger than just giving h attention, listening, etc, though those actions need to be part of the plan...I think what she's saying is that you actually have to live, think, eat, breathe knowing/believing that your h is a good man, good husband, good father, etc. or all the efforts just aren't going to work -- either you can respect him (sometimes hard in the face of disrespectful behavior) and get back to an even keel or not. (OK, I am not explaining that well at all).

Oldtimer, so, again, I want to thank you so much for posting so honestly. SO many times I would read someone's sitch and have it resonate with me and think to post something as straightforward as your post and then back away thinking that they may not want to hear my truth...so I am so glad that you put yourself out there.

Here I was actually doing "more of the same" -- trying to figure out how to perform actions that would create some sense of something -- I don't know -- peace, quiet, whatever -- for h without recognizing that all those actions would be lipstick on a pig that without a change in my mindset, my belief system, that I'd still be running down the same cheeseless tunnel over and over again.

I totally agree that I'm in s/mother mode and he's in baby mode. Who knows how it started? I'm sure we each have our perspective about the chicken or the egg...not much sense in going there...but it totally keeps feeding off of itself.

I need to rewire my thinking to view my husband as a good man, a good husband, a good father. I need to treat him like a capable adult, because he is one...someone who is responsible for his own decisions and actions and thoughts and ....

I remember when I first started DB'ing how I had to do something similar...to learn how to view my husband as someone who cared about our marriage though his actions didn't say so at the time, as a faithful man (ditto), as someone who was perfectly capable as tending to "us". We got there and were thriving for a long time. I am dumbstruck that I was SO able to get wedged into a corner again of negative thoughts creating negative behaviors if not quickly, certainly so completely. Egads.

It was so overwhelming when I had to keep thinking that I needed to do MORE but now that I feel I need to do DIFFERENT it feels more doable but still quite scary!

Here's a start:

1. My husband thinks I think he's incapable of being a parent to our daughter.

Why:
a. I rarely if ever let him take the lead on caring for her

b. I frequently "re-do" something that he has done in caring for her

c. I shoulder 99% of the responsibility for her care

d. I am hesitant to ask him to do something and when I HAVE to I hem, haw, make apologies and pretty much act as though he won't want to do it or won't do it well.

e. I frequently complain/regale him with tales of some free piece of childcare advice I've received and how much I disagree with it (this speaks to the "sage's way or the highway" notion that I think is deeply ingrained in his brain...why would he try to care for her when he hears how judgemental I am about it all?)

2. h thinks I have abandoned my wife role in deference to being a mom

a. I feel frumpy so I act frumpy, dress frumpy, look frumpy

b. I have stopped doing special things for me (see above about not entrusting him with her care) which means that I no longer feel fit and attractive so I present an unfit and unattractive "face"

c. I feel so frazzled and overwhelmed (not asking for help) that I feel justified in withholding attention and energy from him

d. I feel so angry at him (because I feel as though he's not doing enough, even though it may be that I'm preventing that from happening) that even when I'm "nice" I'm not.

More to come...gotta run.

sage