Looking backward but only to look forward SIX

[RedHeadWife]

Sure wish someone had told me those things 6+ years ago and maybe I wouldn't have ended up at the place my M was!!!!! Listen, listen, listen. M has to come first, or a lot of attention at least has to still be given to H as a man, as hard as that seems to be. My H had his first 2 A's before our first even turned 2 because he felt so "neglected."

[sage]

OK I'm back, though it may be quick as little miss is sleeping.

First off, Cadesmom34, I'm sorry that you are struggling. I don't know much about your sitch (save for what you have posted here) but perhaps some of the advice I'm getting could be useful to you, too? I think that Oldtimer was getting at something larger than just giving h attention, listening, etc, though those actions need to be part of the plan...I think what she's saying is that you actually have to live, think, eat, breathe knowing/believing that your h is a good man, good husband, good father, etc. or all the efforts just aren't going to work -- either you can respect him (sometimes hard in the face of disrespectful behavior) and get back to an even keel or not. (OK, I am not explaining that well at all).

Oldtimer, so, again, I want to thank you so much for posting so honestly. SO many times I would read someone's sitch and have it resonate with me and think to post something as straightforward as your post and then back away thinking that they may not want to hear my truth...so I am so glad that you put yourself out there.

Here I was actually doing "more of the same" -- trying to figure out how to perform actions that would create some sense of something -- I don't know -- peace, quiet, whatever -- for h without recognizing that all those actions would be lipstick on a pig that without a change in my mindset, my belief system, that I'd still be running down the same cheeseless tunnel over and over again.

I totally agree that I'm in s/mother mode and he's in baby mode. Who knows how it started? I'm sure we each have our perspective about the chicken or the egg...not much sense in going there...but it totally keeps feeding off of itself.

I need to rewire my thinking to view my husband as a good man, a good husband, a good father. I need to treat him like a capable adult, because he is one...someone who is responsible for his own decisions and actions and thoughts and ....

I remember when I first started DB'ing how I had to do something similar...to learn how to view my husband as someone who cared about our marriage though his actions didn't say so at the time, as a faithful man (ditto), as someone who was perfectly capable as tending to "us". We got there and were thriving for a long time. I am dumbstruck that I was SO able to get wedged into a corner again of negative thoughts creating negative behaviors if not quickly, certainly so completely. Egads.

It was so overwhelming when I had to keep thinking that I needed to do MORE but now that I feel I need to do DIFFERENT it feels more doable but still quite scary!

Here's a start:

1. My husband thinks I think he's incapable of being a parent to our daughter.

Why:
a. I rarely if ever let him take the lead on caring for her

b. I frequently "re-do" something that he has done in caring for her

c. I shoulder 99% of the responsibility for her care

d. I am hesitant to ask him to do something and when I HAVE to I hem, haw, make apologies and pretty much act as though he won't want to do it or won't do it well.

e. I frequently complain/regale him with tales of some free piece of childcare advice I've received and how much I disagree with it (this speaks to the "sage's way or the highway" notion that I think is deeply ingrained in his brain...why would he try to care for her when he hears how judgemental I am about it all?)

2. h thinks I have abandoned my wife role in deference to being a mom

a. I feel frumpy so I act frumpy, dress frumpy, look frumpy

b. I have stopped doing special things for me (see above about not entrusting him with her care) which means that I no longer feel fit and attractive so I present an unfit and unattractive "face"

c. I feel so frazzled and overwhelmed (not asking for help) that I feel justified in withholding attention and energy from him

d. I feel so angry at him (because I feel as though he's not doing enough, even though it may be that I'm preventing that from happening) that even when I'm "nice" I'm not.

More to come...gotta run.

sage

[oldtimer]

Really good stuff sage. One of your great strengths is your openness and lack of defensiveness when it comes to looking at yourself and your M. I always said you were sage ;-)

It definitely sounds as though less for them (trusting H with much more) and more for you will turn out to be more for ALL of you in many, many ways.

[amd]

WOW. OT, that was awesome.

Sage, I look forward to reading more here. One thing that I've always appreciated about you is how clearly you are able to look at things and break them down.

Be well.

[sage]

Hi all,

A quick one since I'm at work. I mean to be journalling every day but they just get away from me. :-( I really think it would be helping.

Things are mostly good, I guess. We've both mellowed out a bit and I'm doing pretty well with my "new attitude" of viewing my h as a good husband and father. I'm very much struggling with fears about his "friend" at work but I'm working on that too.

I started listening to M&V again yesterday which is always a good shot in the arm for me. I'm reminded again how much mistrust and unsolicited criticism and advice = distancing, lethargy, a lack of responsibility in h. I really, really want to table my criticism and advice. I feel it oozing out of me! I can't remember if I mentioned this recently but one thing I need to do is just shut up a bit more...that worked SO well the first time around. I don't MEAN to say something that sounds untrusting of his abilities, it just comes out that way ;-) I think the less said the better.

So, this weekend (and beyond) is ALL about forgoing that sort of "helpful" commentary for h....and also about quieting the "what if, what if" voices in my head.

Sage

[sage]

I spend all kinds of time planning my posts and then I have no time to write!

This weekend (a long one for us) was two steps forward, one step back, over and over again. Some things were very positive and some were just depressingly negative. So, I guess I should focus more on the +s to be sure.

Some of the good things...h gave me some time to rest each day while he watched DD, he told me that he loves how much I do for him and DD, how sweet I am to the people I love. An interesting disclosure...he said that sometimes he feels SO BAD about how good I am (productive, etc.) and how not good he is...this is a GREAT opportunity for me to let him shoulder more of the burden...he is saying loud and clear that this is something he wants to do.

Also, he just called to tell me that he made reservations for us for Sat. night. This is a great sign.

What didn't go so well is that Sunday he was so down and depressed and withdrawn...I tried not to ASSume or read into anything but it was just so hard. Turns out that he wasn't feeling well (which has a tendency to really get him down) but it left me on hyper-alert for any signs of ANYTHING. I really, really need to work on shutting down that part of my thought processes.

I've been listening to M&V and it's just so clearly describing what is going on for us...the hyper-responsible woman who feels as though she's giving too much, doesn't know why the man isn't helping, goes through bursts of neediness (which he recoils from) and the insecure, downtrodden, man who feels unnecessary, untrusted, unimportant. I KNOW I need to refocus on those areas...NEEDING h (but not neediness), TRUSTING him, stepping back, etc. I need M&V playing in my head in an endless loop.

Sage

[Phoenix_spark]

Good to read from you again. I'll have to catch up.

[slowly]

I KNOW I need to refocus on those areas...NEEDING h (but not neediness), TRUSTING him, stepping back, etc. I need M&V playing in my head in an endless loop.

Sage

I hear ya! It's like once the urgency of piecing is behind us, we still have to work hard at just maintaining good habits. How about some goals? Maybe target asking H to help with one teeny new thing per week? By the end of the year, you could have him running the whole shooting match

Long weekends tend to magnify the good and the bad too, anyway.

Slowly

[amd]

So can you give an example of showing need without being needy? This is an area that I am unsure about for myself.

[oldtimer]

"Maybe target asking H to help with one teeny new thing per week?"

I'd suggest a different tactic. You really don't need to coddle H to get him to act like a big boy.

Instead, treat H immediately as a man who is competent in all things. Maintain that assumption in general. Let him be the one to prove otherwise in any particular case and then address that if it ever becomes necessary.

BTW, the kind of hypervigilance you are describing is incredibly exhausting and draining to be around. It can also be very selfish -- whether you want it to or not, it winds up making almost everything about YOU in some way. H not feeling well and acting grumpy, for instance, becomes about YOUR anxiety and then YOUR relief.

I know you recognize this, I am just reaffirming the importance of trying to shift away from that hypervigilant mode -- focus more on YOU and getting what YOU need than on what is going on with others all the time. Ultimately, it is less selfish and more giving of your authentic self.