DO you want a divorce? ...clearly the answer is NOOOOO
So why would you go to a lawyer?
Because that is what someone ELSE wants is NOT an answer.
Why would you do what someone else wants when it is not mreley what you do not want, but also when you feel it is wrong.
Why would you be like the MLCer and give up? Why wouldn't Standing be worth it...for the man you love, for the former relationship for the kids...?
So the first thing I want you to do is STOP all relationship talks....at least initiating them, and try to back-off if he starts one.
Do not ask him if he wants you to wait for him or not...why would that even matter? He's NUTS and will be that way for a few years...yes, if this is MLC he will be that way for a few to several YEARS. Do not believe what he says...other than the truth that he doesn't know what he wants. The only time an MLCer is being truthful is when they say the don't know or are confused...and sometimes that is also a lie to get you to do what they want.
He is going to be in ME-MODE for a very long time. That means for HIM he will come first...he won't care about what you or the kids want...and he thinks they'll be fine with all this...if not now, eventually.
He may admit that this is all about him and he it's time he is selfish...validate that. "I understand, but I have to do what I feel is right whether you agree or not." Say it calmly...not in an argumentative way.
He will get angry...sometimes truly angry, and sometimes to manipulate you into doing as he wants. Be firm...do not fear the anger.
Don't see a lawyer yet...unless he does. And don't tell him. If he tries to tell you that you should use the same lawyer for a divorce , separation...or anything...absolutely NOT. He may complain that you are just wasting or spending money. Say "That's how these things work."
You said you do not think there is an OW....well I'm going to be blunt...if that is true it is simply not true YET. IF this is MLC...he will most likely get and OW if there is not already one present or waiting in the wings.
So he wants to spend Easter with you...so pull yourself together and spend it with him. Yes he will confuse you. HE may change his mind and come and go...epsecially now in the beginning.
So here is what to expect from that...if he comes home, he will not stay. He doesn't know that and is so confused right now. He is afraid of hurting you...but he MUST do what is doing. It is a compulsion, and addiction and something beyond his mental and physical control. He may have staved it off a few years in attempts to control it...it is not beyond that.
So it is fine to keep your hpes high for what will happen...IN THE END. But for each individual moment, keep your expectations at zero. Because I've been through this and though the pain you are feeling right now is the worst ever...your MLCer will get worse...hopefully by then your own pain will have subsided somewhat to easier to handle levels.
But believe me HE WILL GET WORSE AND RUN FARTHER AWAY FROM YOU. He will get worse no matter what you act ilke...that is if you do everything we tell you here...good DB'ing...he will still get worse and go or stay away.
MLC is a jounrey and he MUST go through it. IT cannot be skipped, prevented, stopped midway or gone over. He has issues from childhood that were not resolved. He is now being forced to resolve them.
And right now he is trying to avoid fac ing those demons/issues. This avoidance phase is called Replay and can last a few years. He may live or try to live the frat boy life for a while.
You cannot fix him. If you yank him out of the entrance of the MLC tunnel, he will go back in now, and if later he will go back for a much worse journey.
I know this is hard, and that doing what I recommend will not be immediate. BUT you need to ACCEPT this...that he will be in this for a few YEARS and that it will get worse.
And don't be fooled by early returns. There are people here whose MLCers left and came home relatively quickly...and things seemed fine for a few years--they often did not seek counseling upon return...but some did. They came back here because their MLCers left again...up to two years or so later.
Accept it now so you do not have to repeat it later.
So spend Easter with him. What you arte to be is HIS SAFE PLACE. That is what you need to be through out this journey. He needs to feel that you will not judge him, have/will forgive unconditionally... He will go trough this crisis and need a shoulder to cry on...he may not use yours in Replay...or even later. But he may. Be the place he runs to when he wants comfort and asafet...and this is tough, be that place without being a mother to him...
If you choose to do this...Stand for your marriage. Don't tell him...it is a choice you get to make on your own and it is only something that will make him feel pressured and add to his guilt. You can tell him you will contest a divorce, that you are morally opposed to divorce...etc. That is a reason that doesn't include him...it would be the same gor another guy. But he cannot handle pressure or more guilt thinking you are waiting around for him.
And by the way...I'm a Stander and we don't wait...STanding is not Still. We get a life. We don't dte...that would be infidelity. But we have lives.
Most of the posters have kids...many young like yours. They are doing this; so can you. It is your choice.
Read the resources threads at the top of the forum. Then tell us what you choose.
