Wow, I am humbled by all of your wonderful, encouraging, kind, "tough," loving responses. It would take me five hours I think (since I'm not usually short on words... \:\) ) to respond to each one.

I'll try and hit some "highlights" for now...

Regarding the meds, I'm seeing my doctor again on Wednesday and will talk with him more about this. Believe me, the meds DO help during those meltdown periods. The antidepressants,I'm told, can take up to a month to really take effect, and it's only been a week and a half for those. I'm hoping I will have a positive response to those so as to not need the Xanax, etc., for the short term meltdowns. I will talk with my doctor about your concerns. I have been seeing him for years and have much confidence in his abilities and will talk with him and see what he has to say. Will report back.

The story about the two sisters really helped open my eyes... although neither of them got their H's back, they both dealt with it, both during and after, in such different ways. I appreciate your sharing that experience with me.

Real quick, I saw H again last night briefly. Kept my composure. We went over some more business items, and he brought in a jacket and sat it on the table. He held it up for me to see (the back), and it had a logo on it that he had gotten embroidered for our business. Then he flipped it around to the front, and it had my name on it. I know it seems simple, but it was kind of him to think of me, even in the business sense. I thanked him and gave him a hug. We talked a bit more about business, and then he left. HE asked me for a hug when he left.

So, let's discuss yesterday and the sequence of events, as I've had a chance to reflect after reading your posts and clearing my mind a bit...

1.) What was the difference in why I was feeling so strong when I was in Vegas and then crippled when I got home? A.) I was in a position to KNOW that he was out of town for a few days - killed me. B.) I SAW H yesterday. As much as I wanted to see him, in the end it tore me apart. When I was in Vegas, I didn't have the opportunity to be with/see him, and I got a lot more strong.

2.) As much as I love the hugs from him, I feel like when I asked him for the first hug yesterday that it somehow made him feel relieved, like it was okay for everything to continue how it is, that I'm okay with that - not good.

3.) He was a lot more kind to me yesterday than he has been in a long time. What's the difference? My and his departure from seeing/talking for a while. Does this mean that he missed me (to the point he can right now) or that he is working more on being nice to me as a friend or something completely different? Who knows, but it is a start, whatever it is.

So... what does this all mean, plus all that you wonderful folks have advised me? There is simply no choice anymore but to do things that will help me get through this and to get on with my life. I saw some positive changes in H yesterday, though he was distant, and the fact that I was gone in Vegas and had little contact with him were the only things different from before.

So, as hard as I know it will be, I AM going to move my office back home. If I don't know when he's coming and going and have so many chances to "snoop" both at the office and at her house (she's about 10 blocks from our office....ugh), I know it will help me to control my emotions. I hope it will also help me to focus on my business more and work on getting caught back up.

I have a ton of work that I need to do over the next several days, so I'm not sure when I'll make the move, but I know I need to. My ONLY chance of getting H back is if I let him go - just for now - and get myself together and become a strong woman on my own. I sense that that is what OW is like - maybe that is part of why he is attracted to her.

If I don't see him as much/have as much contact with him, I'm scared to death that it will push him farther away and that he will realize that he'll be okay without ME, but it's the only chance I've got to make this work - AND to keep my sanity and grow as a woman. He needs to start chasing ME! \:\)

So, I am going to move my office home. Yesterday was proof to me that that is necessary. It doesn't have to be permanent, as it is a much less convenient location to where the job sites are, but it is a necessary step right now to distance myself from H. I got some positive results (I think) from going to Vegas, and I need to really SEE that and run with it, rather than make him feel like everything is just "okay" again.

I know that so many of you have been through much harder times than I have been, and I envy you all for your strength and courage. I will continue to work on drawing from your strength and support. I feel blessed that you care enough to share such intimate details of your life.

Lin, I'm sorry that the trip to Hawaii wasn't everything that you hoped for, but look on the positive side - at least he WANTED to go on the trip with you and your family. Baby steps... I know it's not going to be easy when my H does come to his senses and come back home - I experienced a bit of that already when he came home for those two weeks. This is a long, hard journey, and one that both I and he are meant to be taking at this time in our lives - for whatever reason, that is for both of us to decide. We have our own individual journeys to partake in. God help us to find each other at the end of our journeys and to build a stronger M than ever...

Also, for Easter, H hasn't brought it up, and neither have I. I'm going to wait to see if he does bring it up. If he does not, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. The reason I feel like I need to go, if even for just a while, is that his grandmother, who doesn't have a lot of time here on Earth with us, puts this together every year, and ALL of the extended family gets together. It means so much to her. I have no desire to hurt other people in my life that I care about, even if it means hurting myself further at some points. I care too much. Sure, it would be awkward to be around H and will probably send me into a meltdown afterwards, but at the same time it will mean a lot to his family for me to be there. I KNOW that this isn't about his family, that it's about taking care of me. But, as I said, I don't want to hurt other people along my journey to the extent that I have any control over that. So, we'll play this one by ear.

So, here's what I have going for me:
1.) My H nor I have filed for D or even talked about it.
2.) H has chosen not to tell anyone, friends nor family, about what is going on. I think he knows that if he did, all hell would break loose, and there may be no chance of going back... He would probably lose both OW AND me. And I realize that he has been playing both of us this whole time to keep his options open.
3.) H does want to stay in business with me. Although I don't think this is a positive for our romantic R, at least he hasn't told me that he doesn't want to even work with me anymore.
4.) Although what H is doing is mentally wrecking, at least he is not being verbally abusive to me.
5.) Although he would never admit it, I can still see in his eyes that he "cares." At least I don't see hatred for me when I look at him.
6.) His family/friends are very close to him. If this doesn't work out and they find out about it, he will have A LOT of pressure from them. I fortunately have built wonderful relationships with his family and most of his friends. Though they would support him in whatever decision he makes, I know they will at least not be telling him what a B**** I am and that he never should have been with me, etc. H KNOWS this, and that is part of why he is not saying anything to anyone.
7.) H has not completely moved out of our home.
8.) H is not telling me about OW (he doesn't EVER talk about her to me) nor flaunting her all over town to everyone.
9.) H knows that if he isn't willing to work on our R, he may lose our business, too.
10.) Even though H did not sleep in our bed the other night on his "drunk" night, at least he felt "safe" enough to come home. (AND I know this wasn't a good thing that he came home, but at least he felt safe doing so.)
11.) At the end of the day, I know H has a good heart, and although he would never admit it, I know it will tear him apart to have us go through a D and also to have to deal with friends/business associates/family. When he gets "done" with OW (which is important for him to do on his own time), I pray his heart will bring him home to me to give us another chance before having to deal with all of these issues. For now, he needs to be with her and see what it's like to be withOUT me.
12.) My H loves my parents very much, and they love him very much as well. Not only would it "kill him" to have them be upset, but I know he would miss them.
13.) Now, he's not able (or I should say is choosing not to) bring OW around family and friends. At some point, that's going to get to him. It's only natural to want to share your experiences and have fun times with the one you care about with your family/friends and be able to talk about them. Now, it's entirely possible and likely that he has built a R with OW's friends and family (and they probably haven't told them that he's married), so that may help him some. BUT, H's parents walk on water - to see the hurt and disappointment in their eyes is something I know he thinks about...

Now, the positives for ME:
1.) I have lost about 10 pounds over this! LOL Can get back into my "skinny" clothes again... Woohoo!
2.) Although I don't have many friends and family, those that I do love are very supportive of me. I may decide at some point to talk to one of them, but I'm not ready yet. Again, I care so much about others and don't want to put them through this hell either. However, I should be spending more time with them just hanging out.
3. I have grown out of my "ugly, growing up" stage and now feel like I am an attractive woman who is very caring, loving, giving, intelligent, and kind. I have a lot to offer someone.
4.) Although this whole thing has been absolute hell, and I haven't handled it the best I could have, I'm still here!!! Somehow I've found the strength to keep gettng up each day and work on making it a positive day.
5.) My parents love me more than anything and have/will do anything for me now, if it comes to that. They also hurt very deeply, as do I, when things like this occur. I will feel so much better for getting through this journey and keeping them out of the drama.
6,) I am a shy, dependent person, yet I will give of myself to/for othes to a fault someimes. This is a good quality, if kept in check.
7,) I truly have a blessed life, being surounded by such wonderful people, having done a huge real estate deal that we are selling and will do heaps and bounds for our business.
8.) I think I need to go out dancing and drinking with the girls at least once monh - the self-esteem booster helps right now.
9) I AM lovable, no matter what...
10) I CAM do this business ALL BY MYSELF if I needed to.
11) I have a big heart amd give to a fault sometimes.
12.) I am fortunage enough to be relatively healthy.
13.) I have YOU all who so strongly and faithfully get me through my meltdowns and get me back on track again. (thank you so much)


I'll leave it at that, lucky #13 (inside story).

So, where does this all leave me?

Well, I potentially have about 2 monhs until our current projects are done. I suspect that that will be a huge turning point for us, one way or another. So, I just have to put this thing into high gear, act as if we're through, make him "think" by me coming back home to build my office here. Patience and my depedency on him are my worst hurddles that *I* mus work on in my journey. Heck, even just going on that trip to Vegas by myself was a huge undertaking...

So, here are some plans:
1) Move my offie back home by no later than NEXT weekend, and just do it and wait for him to notice and see if he even says anything. (I'm still worried about this one, guys, that he is going to interpret this that I'm working towards builing a B relationship with us so that he can keep her on the side for his personal time and that somehow I'll be all right with that. To that end, the words I choose to tell him about this (if he even sks) need to be chosen very carefully and be moe a reflection on my independece than a reflection that I'm working towards having a B relationhip with him while he stays with OW. Not so much... at least not now.
2.) Finish coordinating the plans for the weekly girls' night out that we're putting together. I have all of the e-mail addresses, so I just need to send out the invitation.
3.) NEED to get back to the gym again. This was helping me a lot, both physically and mentally. I feel so overwhelmed with business right now that I feel guilty take the time out to go an do that. I just need to work it in slowly.
3.) Work on Sundays being my part work/part goof off day. I could hang out with a friend and go shopping, go to the movies, etc.

Okay, guys, I'm about ready to pass back out again. I must get a few more hours of sleep before facing this day, as it is going to be a very long, strenuous day. Probably won't be able to check the computer as much throughout the day, but please keep writing to me!!!!

Today is the day I work on starting to get my power back, to becoming my own woman, to loving myself right now. If H sees these things, I can hope pray that he will follow. Plus, we're getting into that 6 month time period for the A... We'll see. The better I do at what I need to do the sooner that may end.

So, complete separation from him on a daily basis. We'll need to talk by phone, but that will be much different than if we are face to face. Keep conversations short and to the point. Don't answer his calls somestimes and don't return his calls for a time. When I know I AM going to see him (business function or whatnot, make sure I'm dressed nice and sexy.

I also need to talk to my mom and dad more often. We have drifted apart so much since this happened, and I know they are sad (I just keep blaming it on the business), but I miss them. My fear is that if I go visit them (without H) that I will have a meltdown there, and that is NOT what I want, at least not right now.

I need to spend more time with girlfriends. I was already thinking about taking another trip somewhere again in May or so when the projects are winding down.

Well, gotta run for now. I can barely hold my eyes open. Need to get a few more hours of shut eye before this crazy day ahead of me hits. Don't worry, I don't think there will even be TIME for any meltdowns today! Ha!

Thanks again to all of you. Each of you has touched my heart is so many different ways, and I just want you to know that when you DO post, especially to us newbies, for a lot of us, you are the only strength we can draw from. You DO make a difference. So THANK YOU!