NEW THREAD FOR 2940 --- HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

2940--

fyi, my H and I are reconciling. Okay? But it has been a long weird painful ----time!!

So you know, forget about how HARD HE WORKS B/C MEN DO THAT to avoid pain. My H left for a year long fellowship, and focussed his energy on the intensity of the material and the long hours exhausted him. I doubt he had trouble sleeping. Once the "test" was over for him, and his career goal had been achieved, THAT NIGHT he called and for the first time, really started saying things I needed to hear. I did not rush back into our R b/c it's scary and stupid to blow it then. It has NOT been an easy path and don't think if your h wants to come back it will solve all your problems b/c it is more complex than that. You will have mixed feelings b/c you will see him differently. I am not joining my H until this summer but it's good b/c I would not feel safe with him if his "return to H" had been too brief. BUT, don't worry about whether he works hard and what it means, blah blah blah. For me, all I could do was talk about it. I talked to friends, sisters, came to this board and told anyone who'd listen "how could HE do this? Doesn't he miss me/kids/family? Why? Why? What's going to happen, what do I say when he does/says/goes/thinks/feels??" blah blah blah!!!! ENOUGH about him!!!


I got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I had 2 sisters who had h's leave them, for very different reasons and my older sister handled it (22 years, worked whole M and had 3 kids) with as much dignity and strength as I have ever seen. My younger sister (M 13 years, no kids and she never worked) asked her EX H (at the divorce hearing!!) for a hug, (I swear) obsessed non-stop, cried from Florida to DC in the car with me, which has to be physiologically some type of feat (how much fluid do our tear ducts hold??) and she was crushed and broken and "terrified" as she put it. In short, she was pathetic and it repulsed her H. He remarried as soon as the law allowed, which was 30 days, b/c he had OW. So then my younger sister started dating as fast as she could, anyone who'd notice her, including an engaged guy who used her badly. In contrast, My older sister, "G", increased her work hours b/c she needed the money, and did not work with her h. She spent as much time with the kids as she could,although she did take a girl's night out at least twice a month and we were "there" for her as we had been for the younger one. She went on a few short trips with gf's. I saw more progress in G in the first six months after her D, than my younger sister in 5 years, and the younger one has been divorced 10 (ten, yes, TEN YEARS). Took her 5 years to get her act together. MY personal turning point was when a good friend said if I didn't watch it, I was going to sound like my little sister....OMG that snapped me out of it. So you know, my older sister remarried. One month before that, her ex called her to say, he "got it" and had f----- up. He genuinely apologized. Also said he wished her well, b/c he knew she'd found someone who'd treat her better. And she did. It still saddens her b/c of the damage to the kids, finances and she really felt they could have worked things out. But she has no more stomach aches ("is he really committed" "is he going to leave again???) and the M she has now is THE priority in her new H's life. She said, "Now that I know what it's like to be loved this way, I'd never go back to the old M. EX did me a favor, but I wish I'd realized it earlier." Younger sister has finally remarried a nice guy. Now he is very sick, which she knew would happen before they married. I don't know why, but I wonder if she picked someone she knew would die, so she could be a widow instead of a "rejectee" (HER words before she met new H). He's a good man, but he is dying. His children have no mother, and this sister cannot have children. His kids will be orphans except now she is there for them. I just wonder sometimes about Divine intervention. Sis wanted kids but couldn't have them and had no H anymore. New H needed to laugh, have a mother for his soon to be orphaned kids. BTW, his treatments have outlasted all expectations and though he will eventually succumb, he has maintained his cognitive skills, for the most part, and his sense of humor.

The only way to get past the pain is to get thru it. Don't prolong it. Minimize what sucks for you. Like contact with him. Go on a trip that takes planning and bring a sibling or friend who makes you laugh. Rent comedies today. Just the planning for the trip I took my kids on, took my mind off H for a while each evening and gave my d's something to feel good about. The trip itself also proved we could still enjoy life and have fun and be a family with or without H. Also bugged H, but I didn't know at the time. They notice more than we realize. But it was truly detaching from him and beginning to see that I could make choices for ME without caring about his career, preferences, etc. It was liberating and started to look just a little bit exciting to me, less fear and more wonderment, more bravery, more "what if I do THIS" Or live THERE??!!!" First time in 25 years I could do that.

Who knows why H woke up. His work goal achieved? Noticing no one else was around who knew him, made him laugh, loved his kids?? Had history with him?
My detachment? The trip to Italy? (you don't have to go that far either, just go and be upbeat, happy, and busy b/c you ARE A WOMAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE!!"

Start acting like it even if you don't feel like it. Fake it 'til you make it ---actually a new approach to behavior. Used to believe our emotions caused our behavior but new theory is that we can reverse that. Meaning, actions/behaviors can change our emotions. Hence, acting fine, upbeat, PMA will help you get there.

Get busy with something UNrelated to H asap. No more asking for hugs. Pretend he's in Iraq and is MIA, or the African bush and cannot be reached by phone/fax or anything else unless it's thru lawyers if it comes to that.

You are stronger than you think. Ironically, the best chance you have of getting him back, IS by detaching and GAL and doing all the things you'd be doing if you knew he was NOT coming back. Make sense?


listen to the wise ones here.--Holly--you helped me thru a lot, and I don't know if you knew that. I remember some of your funny/helpful encouraging posts and so, "thank you."
j-