Hey you were doing so well. Doing business with them is tough I know. I have to talk to my H just like you do. But I was just like you and then all of a sudden it kinda came to me with the help of all you. I wasn't doing anybody any good, my self, H, my boys, his family, my friends. Actually I was making my self sicker. Not that I don't have so same thoughts but not as bad and I can am feeling like I am in getting control.
This helped me also to read these. Use what will help you and at the end is the same ole things that we do but shouldn't.
This is some advice I have gotten from the break-free-from-the-affair site. i printed it out and keep it with my DB and DR Books. Just like we have told you need to develop your strength and internal confidence while you try these 7 helpful steps. You must learn to control your feelings and to maintain Positive thoughts about yourself. This is for you, TAM not H.
These tips are for you not to manipulate your H but to improve you. These are for you (but you must want to)
1. ACT HAPPY Be positive. Be cheerful. Become an actor if you must and fake it. Have your mind set up and practice it.
2. GET A LIFE Just like we have been saying all along. Do things. New Hobbies old Hobbies. Just like you are already doing. Feel good about yourself. Read, massages, movies.etc
3. FOCUS on 4 KEY WORDS Ready!!! These are 4 life saving words---I WILL MAKE IT!!!!!!! AS they say this is your mantra. They suggest that you put it on your mirror, go to sleep with it. Wake up with it. Eat lunch with it. Write it on your hand so you can look at it everytime you have an anxiety feeling. Learn body Language direct eye contact and calm, consistent calm tone of voice when dealing with H come Across as POSITIVE. "I can make it wwith you (if that is what you want) but if not I will make it with out you. Either way I will MAKE IT!!!!
4.TO THE POINT SMALL TALK. Brief and to the point. Business problems, concerns and what needs to be taken care of at that moment of during the day.
5. TEND TO AGREE--this one is tough. its kinda like "I don't love you anymore" You say It certainly seems this way Thank you for your truthfulness." I'm not so sure yet about this one. Guys will have to advise I am going down the list.
6. EXPAND YOUR RELATIONSHIPS--Go to lunch. Surround yourself with new or old friendships. People that care about you.
7. GET SEXY_GET IN SHAPE_----THIS IS FOR YOU----Exercise, enjoy yourself Take extreme care of yourself. Do Whatever it takes to make yourself feel good about you. You have to force yourself to do this. You need to be healthy.
The same old things not to do::::
1. Say ILY 2.Criticize complain,try to control 3. Say I've changed. If it comes up Just say I'm trying. because alot of times is rectivity to get your H back. He will notice if he sees you are trying and are really working at it and sticking to it. 4.Argue , Reason and Plead--They say the harder you try the bigger the wedge.(I'm still fighting this one. This one is tough) 5. Get Family involved ( I did this-not good) 6. Acthelpless, depressed 7. Tell him that we need to work on relationship 8.Let yourself go to pot---We have all done this We let the negative thoughts rip at our emotions and tear at our heart.
IT BECOMES A DOWNWARD SPIRAL THAT EACH NEGATIVE THOUGHT, WORD AND ACTION BUILDS AND BUILDS. A CLOUD OF NEGATIVITY KEEPS YOU FROM TAKING ACTION THAT YOU NEED TO SEE YOUR WAY THROUGH. YOU BECOME STUCK........ They told me that in the midst of the A and OW the intensity of the pain, confusion and agony is more than thought possible. You become emotionally embroiled in a strange and forein land filled with fear, confusion, mistrust as well as the pain of loss. This is where we don't want to go. We want to help each other to become wiser. Pain is described as when attended to , holds great potential for redesign of life and relationships.
Be gracious to yourself...Be kind to yourself..Look within yourself. It will be worth it.
REMEMBER THESE POWERFUL WORDS: "YOU WILL BE ALL RIGHT"
A HUG for YOU....... I WILL MAKE IT!!!!!!YOU WILL MAKE IT!!!
I am trying to make these steps work. I reread my Divorce REmedy and these all the time and the A has taken a toll on me. It has been since October and I thought I would never be able to get over the pain and make my self function. Tam, IT is a struggle everyday. If I call and he is on the other phone (I immediately think he is talking to her) Now when I think those thoughts I try and calm myself and think so what. It doesn't effect me. I only effect me. God you handle this one.
Take what you think will help you. The I WILL MAKE IT is a big one.
Please take care of yourself tonite. We are here for you. Later....
