NEW THREAD FOR 2940 --- HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[2940831]

Hey, guys --

Here's the link to my last thread:
http://tinyurl.com/ys4dt9

Need help quickly! Am a mess in tears and feeling like I want to cry to H... Need to calm down and pull myself together... HELP!!!!!!

He called me back this morning around 11 and we set up lunch together at the office to go over business stuff at 1. I did fine during our meeting. I didn't talk unless he did - no mindless chitter chatter... It was really awkward at first... We both just kind of sat there, AND I purposely did not start chitter-chatting. I just waited for him to say something, and then when we finished talking about that I would wait again... It felt kind of weird. I kept thinking, "gosh, we haven't seen each other in almost a week and a half and we have NOTHING to talk about??? Wow, he's REALLY going to want to be with ME!!" But I didn't want to chitter chatter, so I just let it be. Is this normal to feel so awkward? It's almost like we've grown so far apart now.... I think that's why I'm so upset... The hug (more to follow on that) was like "I love you, but we're not going to work this out." That wasn't said, and I know my mind is probably just playing tricks with me, but I'm so scared....

I did end up asking him about his brother - whether he knew or not. I tried to be casual about it, asked a question about construction that his brother is doing and then said, "Oh, by the way, did you tell your brother or any of the construction guys or anyone else about us?" He said no. I asked him to please tell me if he did tell someone, and he said he would. And I left it at that. I don't know what he told them for why he was gone from the job site for two days... Oh, well. That's his deal.

So we had a nice business conversation. I told him I liked his haircut (he seemed embarrassed and changed the subject really fast...) He didn't even ASK about Vegas at all! I think he thought if he did I would ask where he went, and he didn't want to go there....

We finished our meeting and got up, and I asked for a hug (I know I shouldn't have). He said sure and gave me a nice, big, strong hug. It felt so nice. Then he left to go run some errands.

So, now I'm a wreck... I'm a ball of stomach wrenching tears and am scared I'm going to lose it and go crying to him... I'm so tired of the pain... I just want this all to get better... I miss him so much... HELP!!!!!!!

[Holly06]

Awww sweetie.
It is always like that. There is just not other way but to go through it.
It is the worst pain you will ever know. Been there.
The way through it is to work on your patience and let him go.
That is the only way back to you, and that is for him to go very far away first. Farther than he is now.
He can not turn around until he has gone through lots of stuff.
The way it works is your pain is all up front. Now. It stays this way for awhile.
It really sucks, I know.
He is in alot of pain too. Just not as bad as yours.
But his is coming. He is running and hiding from it, but it will catch up with him.
So my advice to you is stay away from contacting him. He needs to drift farther and farther away. That is the process, the journey that he has to take.
Let him go.


There is an old saying I learned when I was 14. Very popular in the 70's. I am sure you have heard it.
If you love something, let it go.
If it comes back, it's yours.
If it doesn't, it never really was.

So cry. Scream. Find a therapist and some meds.
Find a friend who can give you the support you need. You will wear out alot of friends, that's OK.
They will not understand. They will want you to dump H. and move on.
We are here.
We can guide you, because we have been there and are still experiencing this.

So stay away from the phone if you are going to call H. Do not text, do not email.
Deal with the pain in anyway without contacting him, or you will delay his trip.
You see, he does still love you. It is just to painful to be such a failure in your eyes. He has to run. His pain is intense too.
One thing that I did.
I wanted to run from my pain too. I would do anything (legal) to get rid of the pain. But we are mature and sane. We will deal with it now. Just remember that you would do anything to get rid of the pain.
That is what H is doing. He is running, self medicating, changing, trying to fight the calendar, everything and anything. Drinking and other less than desirable things.
He will find something to escape. He will. Accept that, but he will be accountable for it later in his life.
Just use your pain now to understand that he will go to lenghts to feel better.
Hope this helps.
Holly

[Holly06]

Awww sweetie.
It is always like that. There is just not other way but to go through it.
It is the worst pain you will ever know. Been there.
The way through it is to work on your patience and let him go.
That is the only way back to you, and that is for him to go very far away first. Farther than he is now.
He can not turn around until he has gone through lots of stuff.
The way it works is your pain is all up front. Now. It stays this way for awhile.
It really sucks, I know.
He is in alot of pain too. Just not as bad as yours.
But his is coming. He is running and hiding from it, but it will catch up with him.
So my advice to you is stay away from contacting him. He needs to drift farther and farther away. That is the process, the journey that he has to take.
Let him go.


There is an old saying I learned when I was 14. Very popular in the 70's. I am sure you have heard it.
If you love something, let it go.
If it comes back, it's yours.
If it doesn't, it never really was.

So cry. Scream. Find a therapist and some meds.
Find a friend who can give you the support you need. You will wear out alot of friends, that's OK.
They will not understand. They will want you to dump H. and move on.
We are here.
We can guide you, because we have been there and are still experiencing this.

So stay away from the phone if you are going to call H. Do not text, do not email.
Deal with the pain in anyway without contacting him, or you will delay his trip.
You see, he does still love you. It is just to painful to be such a failure in your eyes. He has to run. His pain is intense too.
One thing that I did.
I wanted to run from my pain too. I would do anything (legal) to get rid of the pain. But we are mature and sane. We will deal with it now. Just remember that you would do anything to get rid of the pain.
That is what H is doing. He is running, self medicating, changing, trying to fight the calendar, everything and anything. Drinking and other less than desirable things.
He will find something to escape. He will. Accept that, but he will be accountable for it later in his life.
Just use your pain now to understand that he will go to lenghts to feel better.
Hope this helps.
Holly

[2940831]

Thanks, Holly. I appreciate your insight. It really helps.

I just can't seem to pull myself together. I'm so scared of losing him, so scared of NEVER getting my life back... So tired of the hurting.... So tired of being so far behind on my work... So tired of not ENJOYING my work anymore... So tired of not being able to work with him as closely on the business anymore... So tired...........

I just can't stop crying. Have taken a Xanax.... I miss him... I just want him to hold me again, to tell me it's going to be all right. God, help me... I've never felt this much pain......

[25yearsmlc]

2940,

I have not read your thread except this post, but will read it and comment later. Only wanted to say to you, this DOES pass. Your pain is not eternal and it is not fatal. It's great for diets, lousy for sleeping, and a gross terrifying experience deep in the gut. Been there, done that. Good for you on the xanax. If you still want to call him in an hour, see how high the dose is and take another if its not too much. (I'm not a doctor, but I have played one on tv, and my Hmlcer is a doctor, so I'm sure I know almost as much as they do...). Keep posting here. When I was at my worst, I read a Marianne Williamson book on anger/fear--she has written many and I forgot which one said this, but it's an exercise that worked for me. When I could, usually in the shower, I'd say a prayer of sorts out loud to God. Use your "higher power/universe" etc./whatever works for you. My "prayer" was more of a mantra but I just said to God, "I turn my pain and anger over to you God." I said this sometimes, 100 times in the shower. Crazy stuff, but it helped, and won't hurt to try. Saying it out loud somehow reaches our inner psyche more than just to ourselves. Later I did something similar to calm down, if I thought H was going to call. Kept me from spewing. Sometimes had to "forgive H" out loud too, before his calls. Like a 100 times. He'll never knew what it took for me not to scream/spew, etc. The "mantras" ....and xanax....

But here are the answers to the scary questions we all ask ourselves at our darkest moments. We search for meaning in our pain. What caused it, how to prevent it from happening again, how to Comprehend any of it.....We want this to MEAN something..I only know what this crap does NOT mean. (Using "he", but can apply to either gender, and I detest having to even say that, but I'm sooo pc...)

Having a walk away spouse/MLCer/ cheater/ whatever, well, HERE IS WHAT IT DOES NOT MEAN:

1) we are UNlovable. If we were, we'd have no friends or close family, and be unable to hold a job down, or we'd be in jail/mental hospital.

2) he/she never loved you and it was all an illusion
3) he DID love you once, but you were so unworthy, he just stopped loving you.
4) when he got to know the "real" you, he just stopped loving you.
5) he was a jerk and you were blind to it until now.
6) he was not a jerk, but you turned him into one.
7) you don't know how to give love.
8) you don't know how to receive love.
9) you will never be loved again, if you ever were.
10) you will never be happy again.
11) God let this happen because you deserve it.
Well, since we now know what the poop we are experiencing does NOT mean, we just need to remind ourselves of it. Often.

Know all this, and you will make it through to the other side. That does not mean D or any particular outcome thing EXCEPT that you will "make it." Meaning your life will get better. Gotta go read your thread.
j-

[12102006]

Tam

Stop this right now...get a grip. You feel weird because you
have been on this dependency trip for a long time...it is the
only comfort you know...so when you try to let go, which is
what you must do - it feels like you are going to die.

When you see your therapist again - stop talking about your
marriage...talk to her about how to cope and control your
emotions...Jody will help you with DB. You are a mess, my
friend. You need to stop focusing on H...we keep telling you
this, over and over.

[Holly06]

I have 2 prayers, 1 for me, and 1 for TJ.
breathe in and breathe out,
in: Lord, help me to do
out: only what is right and good.
repeat, until you feel calmer.

the other one is for TJ.
Please touch TJ's heart, in the timeframe and the way that you know is best.

For me the one for TJ is the ultimate trust and faith.
He can work on TJ, knowing what HIS agenda is for our lives. It is real trust.

It gets easier to pray these things.
The first one really calms me down. Helps me through anxiety and lots of hurt.
The second one is more long term and heals TJ. If he is a better man, I trust that God will work his ways to restore our marriage.
Hugs,
Holly

[imLIN]

Tam...I really wanted to reach you from your last posting but you hadn't started a new one...

I think for the time being you really need to simplify things with work as much as possible...just email H and tell him your not feeling well and need a lighter load and you will take care of XXX and he will have to handle the rest for now...

You shouldn't have asked if he told his brother...you are still concerning yourself too much with what he does,says,goes....it doesn't matter who he tells, it doesn't matter if he tells the world...heck...I was the one with the big mouth here but I knew my H told a few people (his family) because they quit talking to me...yes it hurt but you know what???...It didn't kill me...what was killing me was hanging on like some pathetic helpless leach...I had never supported myself...I married young and depended on H for that...I met him at 15 yrs. old so you can see I was pretty dependent....you have the ability to make it on your own and you KNOW this...

Holly is no dummy at this....neither is 25yrs....neither is 1210...and neither am I...we have ALL been where you are...remember I told you don't have the corner on sensitive feelings...my whole world colapsed around me...I told you only a speck of the things that went wrong during the first year H was gone...you have not experienced that at all..

I do feel that spending time with H and his family now is the wrong thing for you to do...but from experience you will do what you want...I think this pain is lingering because you and H did go visit his parents together and you pretended all to well that things were "ok"...you can't do that anymore...you done with the charade...so just let H explain it how he wants...I know Easter is coming up and you have mentioned getting together with family...all I can say is I hope you find the strength to stay away...it is eating you alive everytime you play "we're okay" with the family and friends...

I don't know what more I can say...you appear to be spiraling out of control from one crisis to the next...I do remember that when I would have to see H and then leave him I did the same thing...but I made sure I kept it to myself as much as possible because my kids needed a sane mother...I only used drugs for a few short weeks because they made me feel physically worse and I couldn't deal with the numbness it sent through me...I had to feel my emotions to deal with them...

You just need to let go...it doesn't mean your giving up...it doesn't mean that H will never return...you forget, my H told me there was NO chance...he would never come back...gave me absolutely no reason to believe otherwise...yet he is in the other room right now...he has been with me for a while now...he can now tell me he loves me after I tell him...this is HUGE for him to do...he couldn't say it for years!!!

So Tam...grab hold a' dem boots and pull up!!!...the only way to the other side is to cross the bridge!!!

"flushing you out of the bushes"...sometimes H would play games...he would purposely not answer to see what I would do...he could predict my reactions...I had to learn not to be so predictable...

What ever you do...DON'T call him, email, or text him...you have YOUR OWN JOURNEY...and if you don't take it...he won't get on with his...

Reread the posts here...you got a lot in a short period...read it again and again...you will survive...

[2940831]

Thanks for all of your help, guys. I have finally somewhat calmed down (at least on the exterior), but now I'm in tears again because you guys are so great. It's so reassuring to know that you all have been through this and that I am not just losing my mind.

1210 is right (great to hear from you again, by the way; I'm glad you're feeling better); I have been so dependent on him for so long in most every aspect of my life, from personal to business to social to family. So letting him go is letting go of so much - I wish it was just as easy for me to do as it is for you guys to tell me to do it... I'm so scared to let him go, scared that he won't come back... and that thought just tortures me.... Ultimately, I just want him to be happy; I guess *I* just want the chance to make him happy, to make each other happy. I believe we CAN do that, if we both make the changes that we need to.

I must work on my dependency issues, work on getting a life outside of him, work on becoming stronger. It is so hard, and I am so scared. It feels like I'm throwing my whole life up to this point away - so much of what I've worked so hard for, and so much of what I took for granted and didn't work hard enough for...

AND I keep torturing myself thinking that she took him to meet her parents earlier this week... It's so hard when we don't know the truth about something - our mind makes up the worst possible scenario.

I am so envious of him that he has somehow found the strength to continue working so hard on our business. He works such long hours and just seems to get everything done... I have piles of paperwork glaring at me and so many tasks that have gotten behind. I guess I just thought at some point that this would all get better so that I could refocus and get caught up again. The more it drags on, the more I get behind. I feel like such a loser....... and that I'm letting him/us/me down.

Okay... time to pop another Xanax.... How much more of this can I take? I just want to find this better side of me that I'm supposed to be learning from all of this, and it was so much easier to work towards that back when he told me he was going to give us another chance... Now I feel so hopeless, even though I know I need to find the hope inside of ME - not from him.

God help me...... and please stop these tears from taking me over every day....

[PennyMB]

Tam,

Hey you were doing so well. Doing business with them is tough I know. I have to talk to my H just like you do. But I was just like you and then all of a sudden it kinda came to me with the help of all you. I wasn't doing anybody any good, my self, H, my boys, his family, my friends. Actually I was making my self sicker. Not that I don't have so same thoughts but not as bad and I can am feeling like I am in getting control.

This helped me also to read these. Use what will help you and at the end is the same ole things that we do but shouldn't.

This is some advice I have gotten from the break-free-from-the-affair site. i printed it out and keep it with my DB and DR Books. Just like we have told you need to develop your strength and internal confidence while you try these 7 helpful steps. You must learn to control your feelings and to maintain Positive thoughts about yourself. This is for you, TAM not H.

These tips are for you not to manipulate your H but to improve you. These are for you (but you must want to)

1. ACT HAPPY Be positive. Be cheerful. Become an actor if you must and fake it. Have your mind set up and practice it.

2. GET A LIFE Just like we have been saying all along. Do things. New Hobbies old Hobbies. Just like you are already doing. Feel good about yourself. Read, massages, movies.etc

3. FOCUS on 4 KEY WORDS Ready!!! These are 4 life saving words---I WILL MAKE IT!!!!!!! AS they say this is your mantra. They suggest that you put it on your mirror, go to sleep with it. Wake up with it. Eat lunch with it. Write it on your hand so you can look at it everytime you have an anxiety feeling.
Learn body Language direct eye contact and calm, consistent calm tone of voice when dealing with H come Across as POSITIVE. "I can make it wwith you (if that is what you want) but if not I will make it with out you. Either way I will MAKE IT!!!!

4.TO THE POINT SMALL TALK. Brief and to the point. Business problems, concerns and what needs to be taken care of at that moment of during the day.

5. TEND TO AGREE--this one is tough. its kinda like "I don't love you anymore" You say It certainly seems this way Thank you for your truthfulness." I'm not so sure yet about this one. Guys will have to advise I am going down the list.

6. EXPAND YOUR RELATIONSHIPS--Go to lunch. Surround yourself with new or old friendships. People that care about you.

7. GET SEXY_GET IN SHAPE_----THIS IS FOR YOU----Exercise, enjoy yourself Take extreme care of yourself. Do Whatever it takes to make yourself feel good about you. You have to force yourself to do this. You need to be healthy.

The same old things not to do::::

1. Say ILY
2.Criticize complain,try to control
3. Say I've changed. If it comes up Just say I'm trying. because alot of times is rectivity to get your H back. He will notice if he sees you are trying and are really working at it and sticking to it.
4.Argue , Reason and Plead--They say the harder you try the bigger the wedge.(I'm still fighting this one. This one is tough)
5. Get Family involved ( I did this-not good)
6. Acthelpless, depressed
7. Tell him that we need to work on relationship
8.Let yourself go to pot---We have all done this We let the negative thoughts rip at our emotions and tear at our heart.

IT BECOMES A DOWNWARD SPIRAL THAT EACH NEGATIVE THOUGHT, WORD AND ACTION BUILDS AND BUILDS. A CLOUD OF NEGATIVITY KEEPS YOU FROM TAKING ACTION THAT YOU NEED TO SEE YOUR WAY THROUGH. YOU BECOME STUCK........
They told me that in the midst of the A and OW the intensity of the pain, confusion and agony is more than thought possible. You become emotionally embroiled in a strange and forein land filled with fear, confusion, mistrust as well as the pain of loss. This is where we don't want to go. We want to help each other to become wiser. Pain is described as when attended to , holds great potential for redesign of life and relationships.

Be gracious to yourself...Be kind to yourself..Look within yourself. It will be worth it.

REMEMBER THESE POWERFUL WORDS: "YOU WILL BE ALL RIGHT"

A HUG for YOU....... I WILL MAKE IT!!!!!!YOU WILL MAKE IT!!!

I am trying to make these steps work. I reread my Divorce REmedy and these all the time and the A has taken a toll on me. It has been since October and I thought I would never be able to get over the pain and make my self function. Tam, IT is a struggle everyday. If I call and he is on the other phone (I immediately think he is talking to her) Now when I think those thoughts I try and calm myself and think so what. It doesn't effect me. I only effect me. God you handle this one.

Take what you think will help you. The I WILL MAKE IT is a big one.

Please take care of yourself tonite. We are here for you.
Later....