Thanks for all of your help, guys. I have finally somewhat calmed down (at least on the exterior), but now I'm in tears again because you guys are so great. It's so reassuring to know that you all have been through this and that I am not just losing my mind.
1210 is right (great to hear from you again, by the way; I'm glad you're feeling better); I have been so dependent on him for so long in most every aspect of my life, from personal to business to social to family. So letting him go is letting go of so much - I wish it was just as easy for me to do as it is for you guys to tell me to do it... I'm so scared to let him go, scared that he won't come back... and that thought just tortures me.... Ultimately, I just want him to be happy; I guess *I* just want the chance to make him happy, to make each other happy. I believe we CAN do that, if we both make the changes that we need to.
I must work on my dependency issues, work on getting a life outside of him, work on becoming stronger. It is so hard, and I am so scared. It feels like I'm throwing my whole life up to this point away - so much of what I've worked so hard for, and so much of what I took for granted and didn't work hard enough for...
AND I keep torturing myself thinking that she took him to meet her parents earlier this week... It's so hard when we don't know the truth about something - our mind makes up the worst possible scenario.
I am so envious of him that he has somehow found the strength to continue working so hard on our business. He works such long hours and just seems to get everything done... I have piles of paperwork glaring at me and so many tasks that have gotten behind. I guess I just thought at some point that this would all get better so that I could refocus and get caught up again. The more it drags on, the more I get behind. I feel like such a loser....... and that I'm letting him/us/me down.
Okay... time to pop another Xanax.... How much more of this can I take? I just want to find this better side of me that I'm supposed to be learning from all of this, and it was so much easier to work towards that back when he told me he was going to give us another chance... Now I feel so hopeless, even though I know I need to find the hope inside of ME - not from him.
God help me...... and please stop these tears from taking me over every day....
