Valentines day massacre

[outtaluck]

Well, my friend never called...talked to his wife and she said he feels like he doesn't know what to say. I can understand...before all this happened to me I would just dole out the better fish in the sea line...your better off without them kind of advice. If nothing else, this experience has taught me compassion like I've never had.

Had another good talk with his wife...she really is a good ear. She gets alot of grief from people because at first impression she can come off as an airhead...but she's a really smart, deep woman. I'm lucky to have her as a friend. She said that our sitch is making them remember to not take each other for granted. So...if my pain can help someone...I don't know...helps a little, in a wierd way.. y'know?


Yeah, I was really lucky to get that car for $50. Friend of mine's wife left him (I can't get away from this stuff!!! )and he can't drive...it was sitting in the condo lot without a plate...so before the cops tagged it he figured he'd let me have it. Odd thing...the first car I bought with my W only cost me $50. I've come full circle and haven't gotten anywhere....

The kids are really kind of quiet around me...I fear she may be badmouthing me or something....I don't want to get into defending myself against her with my own kids. Even though they're older, it still can't be good for them. I won't play the kids in the middle game. They are smart kids...and they know me...no matter what she says the truth will come out in the end. I'm trying to take the high road here.... After I'm gone they'll be no one else to blame.

I don't take anything she does anymore as a sign of hope....All I see anymore is just this vacant look in her eyes...breaks my heart...but I know she's not there. We went shopping yesterday and stopped for a bite at a sandwich shop....which for her to spend that much time with me lately is unusual...she must have been really hungry. I kept trying to have some kind of conversation...not R stuff...just trivial stuff...and she just kind of sits there with that lost look. I've had better conversation in bars with falling down drunks... Just sucks is all I'm sayin'

I'd agree with the basket case analogy....I'm sure she does think I am....I think I am...I mean, I'm doing better in some areas...considering, but that happy confident guy that was here just a mere couple of months ago is a vauge memory.... I miss him as well as her.

How do you get over blaming yourself?...seems to be my problem lately. I look at her vacant look...and it just seems that I caused that... Its like if your kids were depressed you might feel like a bad parent... Thats how I feel regarding her. I know intellectually that its probably not me... but she's in pain and it hurts me so much to see it....let alone any thoughts that I contributed to her pain whatsoever...

I know there's better days ahead...with or without her...I've still got my goals and I'll reach them regardless. Its a long climb up that mountain...and if I have to do it with pain in my heart and tears in my eyes...I will get to the top...if only to see whats on the other side :-)

Thanks LN...your advice is always right on. I feel like I'm whining alot when I post, and I've never been like that...its good to get this junk out of my head and get some feedback. I do take it all to heart and I really appreciate your comments.