You know Nicola, maybe one of the reasons you were sent here, to this board, was not to save your marriage but to help so many people. You were such solace to me during the early stages of this nightmare and you offered such kind and loving words--it really helped me keep it together. You have succeeded in helping so many heartbroken people find the will to go on to the next day--that is hardly a failure my love.
Always: Thanks for your support. It's nice to know I'm not the one who's nuts, even though I feel like that sometimes.
COG: As usual, you are right-enough dwelling on the past. I did what I could, but there's only so much I can do. At some point, I do need to just MOVE ON. Thanks also for your kind words about my kids' love for me. Sometimes, I really just feel like the worst mother, partly because I'm feeling so down lately. And of course, H's GF is super-happy b/c she's in love with my husband!! She is so much fun, fun, fun!!
Mermaid: I admire your perseverance so much. I know that some people are able to have a life w/o D, but I don't think I'm one of them. I am just clinging on to hope and it is keeping me mired in the past, the "could have beens." It is not healthy.
I really don't know if my H will ever come out of this. He is really far gone. How do I know he isn't really happy? Maybe he is. Who am I to assume it's just a mask?
AMD: I had forgotten about that poem, and it was just what I needed. I will print it out-thanks. Sorry I've been neglecting you. I'm having trouble finding supportive things to say to people lately.
Althea: First, I have to tell you how wonderful your newest sweaters are. They would be impressive even if they were normal-sized, but to look at them up close and then see them in your hand--truly amazing! You are something (in a good way, lol).
I have briefly thought about what you said before, but not given it much credence. It is possible, though, that this marriage was never going to be "saved." How do I know? I wish God would just send me an email or something--something totally 100% clear!! Nicola-this is it. Or Nicola-be still, he'll come back (after doing a whole bunch of work on himself, of course). Thanks for this; it means a lot to me to know that I've helped people here.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
So, today I went sugaring off w/ S5. I got a sub and took the day off. It is snowing, and the snow is staying! I can't believe it! My poor, brave little crocuses <sniff>.
Just spoke to H. I had emailed him yesterday re. kids this w/e, which has gotten v. confusing. He never replied, so I called him today and he took two days off. He told me (though I didn't ask) that he had things to do, like screw ow. No, not really, though I wouldn't put it past him to say something dumb like that. He did say that he had to get his car reg and "stuff." Whatever.
He told me he has a delivery on Sat, and I stupidly asked him what. Why do I do that? I'm just torturing myself. The longer I talk to him, the worse I feel. Time to stop, stop, stop. I can stop myself calling him, but once I get on the phone, I can't shut up. At least I didn't get into any R talk today, or even mention his GF/ow.
We are going to mediation in a little over a week. I still need to get a budget done. We are going ahead with this D, and I am just trying to get through it. I'm not going to fight it-it's just going to make it worse for me, more stressful. I just want to get it over with as amicably as possible for the sake of myself and my kids.
There is still a tiny particle of hope in me, but I am doing my best to squash it b/c I just don't think it's healthy. I don't want to be here 5 yrs from now, 45 y/o, still waiting around while H is on ow #15 or whatever. Or by then, I guess we'll be D'd, so she wouldn't be ow.
I just need to get through this horrible time, and trust that God will take care of me. He may not want this D, but H does, and he is just not listening.
N
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
But I'm not a good person to talk to right now re. Standing for your M. I am just not there right now. I don't know if I will be again - I've felt like this before, but never for so long, not since the beginning.
I need to just stay the heck away from him, for my own sanity. Kind of hard when you have kids together. Esp hard when your 5 y/o comes home raving about the great time he had with your husband's girlfriend.
Anyway, I'm in a bad place, so if you're looking for support to give up, you've come to the right place, but if you are looking for support to keep at it, go somewhere else, lol!
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Nicola I can so relate to what you are saying. My d5 would come back and talk about ow. She plays barbies with my girls. I know she wants them to like her. I have asked my girls not to talk about her. It really helps my pma. I don't think I should have her name uttered in my presence.
Anyway I find it quite sad that these ow are wanabe parents to our children. Really how pathetic.
I know it is hard but take it one day at a time. Do take the time to grieve your m.
It will get easier. There will come a time when all this is not the first thing you think about when you wake up. There will be a time when you will forget what it was like having h live with you. You will carve out a wonderful new life for yourself and your children. I know it is hard to believe now but just keep moving forward and it will all work out in the end.
He told me (though I didn't ask) that he had things to do, like screw ow. No, not really,
LOL, we know you're gonna make it 'cause you haven't lost your sense of humor.
Listen, about that budget...be sure to think of every thing, every little expense category, and be very, very generous with yourself. No reason your standard of living should drop just because your H suffered alien invasion.
I can't even wrap my brain around the concept of snow in April, although it is going to down to the high 50s here tonight, chuckles.
I posted to you on my thread--I think we have interests in common. Maybe later after mediation we can chat.
It's got to be very painful to listen to your kids bonding with OW. I can feel your pain. You'd just like to bust her head. But I guess if you try to look real hard there is a positive, for the kid's anyway. And what's good for them should be good for you gals. Anyway, the worse sitch would be if the OW detested your kid's, because then she would'nt want your H's to be with them. Then they'd loose their dad's and that's never good for them. So I know how hard it might be to swallow this, but it's actually, probably better this way. Acceptance of that fact might help you move on from it.
The kids still know who their momma is. The OW is just a baby sitter and will never be anything more.
Love Ya,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Hey Nicola ~ You do still have your sense of humor so that is a plus ;-) I feel like you do in so many ways. I think I am in the exact same spot as you except that my h has lived with his ow for a year now. Having the kids around her is so tough and it is hard for me not to ask if she was there or what they did.
And I was just thinking today that maybe my h is happy. Who am I to get in the way of his happiness. We just never know.
Lots of love Christy
Christy M: 31 H: 33 Married ~ 13 years S12 S8 Bomb 10/05 supposedly ended A 2nd bomb 12/30/05 Separated 01/06 I filed 6/12/07 ~ new ow 3wks after moving out http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1094955&page=0#Post1094955
First things first: "I feel like I've failed the others on this board by not fighting this D..." That's a load of crap. Don't you EVER say this or even think it again. You have only been a source of inspiration and dignity and comfort to this BB. Knock that negative stuff off. Don't make me come over there! Ditto!
Sweetie, there is no failure for those who try. The outcome may not be what you were seeking, but his MLC is not within your control. You are a shining success. But perfect DBers get divorced all the time...because their MLCers are lost, not ready...
How could you fail from having Stood for so long...you were Standing long before your register date. Those who Inwoul rate as failures...never accepted the process and even tried to Stand. They believed their MLCer from the beginning and curled up on the doormat of a speedy divorce...or they were filled with fury greater than Hell at the injustice...forigeness or Standing being completely unacceptable in any form to them.
I'm with MErmaid...that you are not ready because you do not want this.
BUT I also agree with you...that you are stuck in this personal limbo without a piece of paper telling you to move on. I wish I could help you with that.
Seeing everything in Black & White may be a part of this. Unfortunately, as you know, that is not life. But given that view, it is right now all or none for you. And I want you to get to a place where you will be able to focus on yourself, and heal. As a Stander, I always feel there is Hope and it is not a bad thing. You do not need to squash it. Just separate Hope from Expectation...sorry, the just made it sound simple, an d as you know, it's not.
Be careful about talking about the OW in front of the kids...you know taht already...but be careful about doing especially showing yourself upset--jealous.
This information given to your MLCer shows him that you are jealous--not a pretty trait that he wants to return to. And it shows to the OW and us on the board that you have given her your power. All this odes is work in her favour. This is the sort of behaviour that allows an OW to comfort the MLCer about his crazy spouse. It gives her more power and a greater sense of security in the relationship.
If you take back your power and are happy...the OW may wonder what is wrong...especially when your MLCer seem impressed with you. OWs are not worth jealousy. You are the better person in this situation. She is obviously morally deficient--otherwise she wouldn't be in a relationship with a married man. And as it was already said...your MLCer is trying to impress her by bonding with her child.
The casualty will be that little boy...poor guy.
You say that he is one you fear is so far lost in the MLC tunel that he may not come out...and in the next breath state that maybe he really is happy.
Sweetie, that's an an oxymoron. The MLC tunnel is incapable of supporting true happiness. It's a confusing enough place that for a time many think this is happiness, and when they do not feel it, they fake it so you think they are happy. Sorry, I don't want to buy that car...it's impossible.
So let's look toward you...Black & White and negative thoughts
Do you keep a jounral of these things? I'd like you to try that... Have you gone through other times now or other crisis where these sort of feelings have been present? How do these thoughts make you feel? What is going on specifically when these thoughts are present...wexternal events and internal thoughts? When these thoughts are not present, how do you feel then? How is your mood? Attitude?
What do these negative or limiting thoughts do for you?
These aren't answers...merely questions. Think these things through. What has your therapist said about your B&W thoughts? Have you set personal goals? Have you discuessed ways to reach those goals? Think about waht motivates you toward your goals.
Yesterday at work we talked about goals and barriers. IT made me think about something I posted back in October about the traits of PMA. When I created the meeting notes I also gave the list (not the prose following) to my department. MAybe it will be helpful for you too.
Wow! I read this and saved it. While reading this I thought, I wish I could talk to RCR in person on a regular basis. I really think you would make a great life coach. I feel as if I could learn so much about faith and staying on track with you.
In my profession, I have meetings with my supervisor once a year. We set up a schedule for observations for my evaluation. During this time, we review my goals from last year. I realized this year that I had not even looked at my goals from last year since we did them. I did however reach one of my goals without realizing it. I need someone to help me stay on track in this journey as well.
You are a wealth of knowledge and always sound so centered. I appreciate your guidance more than I can express. God bless you, RCR.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
She is so much fun, fun, fun!!