HSPs (Highly Sensitive People) in Love

[fearless]

I don't have a problem being an HSP and it doesn't make me feel like a victim. I appreciate my ability to discern subtle differences in things. It really contributes to my abilities as a musician, for example. I don't want to "do anything about it." I fully embrace that as a positive thing, and I actually feel a sense of pride about it. The HSP book has taught me that there is a reason for my sensitivities, and that it's a good thing.


Good for you!!! I think that is the issue some people are struggling with HSP idea. They think it is a "problem" that needs to be solved. It's not any more of a problem than height, color of your eyes, learning style, math aptitude versus language aptitude, etc.


What I CAN and DO want to change is my attachment style. That is where I (and cac4) were victimized. My goal is become (through the suggestions in the book, including therapy) an "earned secure," an adult who has changed from insecurity to security.

I think this is exactly right. And I think it is worthwhile from the FOO standpoint to realize that both you and CAC4 did what you had to in order to get through childhood. (CAC4 was right to avoid his parents and to give himself an ability for low anxiety. You were right to be willing to not avoid in order to get your anxiety handled) It's just that now those defense mechanisms aren't protecting you as much as harming your relationship.

I know things have been rough for the two of you but from an outsider's view in, it seems OBVIOUS you both love each other and want to work through this. That is a huge positive.

[fearless]

Then there are those who say this trait is just the healthy end of the "autistic spectrum." This confusion is due to the fact that those with autistic disorders (including the hot new disorder, Asperger's syndrom), are definitely highly sensitive to stimulation and easily over stimulated. But autistic disorders always involve a failure to read accurately social and emotional cues. HSPs are very sensitive to and accurate about social cues and what others are feeling.

In short, the trait I call high sensitivity has nothing to do with any disorder. Further, HSPs with a good-enough up bringing are often extremely well adjusted and successful socially, professionally, or both. Indeed one study of monkeys born with this trait found that, yes, they were shy and fearful if raised by unskilled parents, but those raised by skilled parents grew up to be the leaders of their group.


This is from the author of HSP. I forgot to post it yesterday but I think it clearly addresses Cobra's misconceptions about HSP. And shows that HSP doesn't even interfere with leadership positions which is good news from me because I still consider being a CEO a reasonable aspiration for myself. (My career counselor told me my personality and test scores fit the CEO profile so this is not pie-in-the-sky thinking!)

[mrsc]

Thank you fearless! I wanted to say something like this, but I couldn't put it together. Part of my frustration with my learning disability (yes that's what I believe it is) is that I cannot retain what I read. I have a vague idea of the concepts, but cannot remember enough specifics to support any point or argument I might want to make on this board or in a convo. Drives me nuts!

BTW, I discussed my learning disability with my C and she suggested I get tested. She thinks it might be a processing problem. Getting a diagnosis and pursing treatment for it would go a long way in boosting my confidence intellectually.

[fearless]

Mrs.CAC4,

That was the only information I had on people pleasers. If I find anything else, I'll be sure to let you know.

As an idea of issues to address, and I stress this is just my opinion, I would probably just take ONE characteristic below and work on it. Maybe ask CAC4 is he has an opinion on which one to work on first? or even a close friend?

FWIW I think they may look like simple little characteristics but I am sure they are deeply ingrained and not changed overnight. I would see a combination of using CBT and recognizing the FOO issues that fed these beliefs to begin.

#2 is an interesting one because it might help your relationship. What if you didn't hear criticisms from cac4 as facts which create your self-esteem deflation which feeds your anxiety which creates the conflict which causes cac4 to withdraw? Whew!

Not that cac4 is off the hook. If he doesn't apologize to you, then you get anxious and create conflict which he avoids which creates more anxiety for you. If he could learn to apologize without feeling like it makes him "a bad person," then you would feel less anxiety. Of course again it's his family that established the issue with not being able to apologize but he needs to feel safe with you that an apology won't put in in a weakened state as it would have with his parent.


Characteristics of People Pleasers:
1. People Pleasers rarely consider their own needs, wants, and desires.

2. People Pleasers take any criticism as fact, and immediately suffer a deflation in their own self-esteem.

3. People Pleasers feel an extraordinary fear of abandonment.

4. People Pleasers blame themselves for everything that ever goes wrong.

5. People Pleasers are more concerned with others' feelings than their own.

6. People Pleasers have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, expecting of themselves magical abilities to fix the significant others' in their lives.

7. People Pleasers learned early in their lives to bury their own feelings, needs, and wants, and keep them buried until they get help for their problems.

8. People Pleasers chronically confuse pity with love and self-sacrifice with caring for others.[b][/b]

[Heywyre]

OMG I'm a people pleaser! Yikes, I have to get away from that one for sure

[mrsc]

I don't think it's unusual for women to fall into the People Pleaser category. Interestingly (or unfortunately), I think my mother had some of those characteristics AND some of these:

Characteristics of Injustice Collectors:
1. Injustice Collectors are convinced that they are never wrong. How is it possible that they are never wrong? It is simple: They are always right.

2. Injustice Collectors never apologize. Ever. For anything.

3. Injustice Collectors truly believe that they are morally and ethically superior to others and that others chronically do not hold themselves to the same high standards as the injustice collector does.

4. Injustice Collectors make the rules, break the rules and enforce the rules of the family. They are a combined legislator, police, and judge and jury.

5. Injustice Collectors never worry about what is wrong with themselves as their "bad list" grows. Their focus is always on the failings of others.

6. Injustice Collectors are never upset by the disparity of their rules for others with their own expectations of themselves.

7. Injustice Collectors rationalize their own behavior with great ease and comfort.

The unfortunate outcome in the dysfunctional family is that either the People Pleaser has to become progressively more crippled and entrenched in their subservient role in the family, or else they become healthier and stronger and ultimately are accused of breaking up the family. The sad part about this drama is that once the People Pleaser has grown to the point where their self-respect is high enough to not grovel and shake in the presence of the injustice collector, the family remains divided.

[Heywyre]

I don't believe it - did they interview my mother? That was her to a "T"

[mrsc]

LOL. Well, Heywyre, that could explain why we're both People Pleasers. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think my mother has all the IC characteristics, but she THINKS she's such a PP. Even worse.

I suspect that working on my self-esteem and trying to become more secure will "fix" or at least reduce some of those tendencies. It's all interrelated.

[Heywyre]

My mother was unbelieveable. I never, ever heard her say she was sorry to anyone, no matter how wrong she was. And, perhaps you are right as to why we are the people pleasers. I tried so hard to please her especially but it was never good enough.

And she too thought SHE was the one that was right and everyone else in the world was wrong - go figure

[Cobra]

Mrs CAC4,

This discussion sounds like a subset of narcissism to me. Sam Vaknin has an interesting web site with tons of material on narcissism. I have mentioned him before. A few relevant links might be:

The Narcissist as Compulsive Giver

The Misanthropic Altruist

THE CONCEPT OF NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY