New here - W unwilling to work on it

[30andLost]

Well hello again to those of you that have followed my sitch. I should really be posting under a different topic and changing the subject of my post, but for the sake of ease and history-- I'll keep adding to this one.

I can only say that the nuclear bomb that I dropped on my life has decimated my forest and given way to new life. I would attempt to journal about all the positives between my W and I since the last time I posted, but writing every detail of each 24 hour period would be more than my fingers could handle or that most could tolerate reading. Let me try to summarize...

We've had a bump or two, but small ones. My old self would have turned these bumps into weeks of self-pity and resentment where the new me is able to challenge my feelings and gain persepctive on them for what they really are. Then, and only if they are feelings that I need to share with her, I am able to COMMUNICATE with her what I am feeling and why. She is also comfortable communicating her feelings on a given situation and why or what she is feeling so that I can gain an even better perspective on my feelings. I am now spending nights at home. Every night since last Saturday. We even had a bump Saturday morning and because of our increased communication skills, she was able to sleep in the same bed with me with no ill feelings (about the bump) for the first time since 1/4/2007. We haven't ML yet because she is still battling the images of the OW in her head, which I understand and respect. What helps me is that she says she REALLY wants to ML to me but she needs to get a handle on the images so she doesn't ruin things. I really want her to ML to me and only me without the thoughts of the OW, so I'm more than willing to wait.

We are going to Maui Apr 12-16. She has said that the minute we get to our hotel room we are going to ML and make up for lost time. I told her to be sure to let me know if she still isn't ready and that I'm not going to hold her to anything she has said. We are going to the gym together now and we are really enjoying each others company. I can get her flowers now and she really appreciates them. I got her flowers from a florist that were absolutely shitty. The importance of these flowers was second only to oxygen. I bought the OW flowers from a florist once and she found out and told me to never get her flowers again. So she finally said I could buy her flowers and have them delivered to her work. So I did. I made sure to spend more on her flowers than the OW's, but they were half dead when she got them. I felt like [censored]! Even though it wasn't my fault, these flowers were supposed to be something special. I felt so bad that I left the house that night and went to Wal-Mart and bought some lily's and tulip's (her favorites) and made my own flower arrangement for her and she LOVED them. I think they meant more to her than the other flowers even though they were cheap because I did such a good job on them and even color-coordinated the tulips to the inside of the lilys!

Then I bought her calililys yesterday with a carwash gift cert. and card which are her 3rd favorite flowers. She really liked those too!

She has told me that I'm not going to lose her if my changes are for good. She just needs some more time to be convinced that I'm not going to hurt her again.

I guess that's enough for now. I just wanted to let you know that things are on their way -- not back to what we had -- but forward to what we should have always had, but unfortunately had to go through this bomb to get there.

I'll let you know when the renewing of our vows will be taking place!

Thanks for everything,
Brandon