New here - W unwilling to work on it

[OldFool]

So, avoiding those will be my new goal. A new bottom-line for me.

Excellent. If you can do it, I think it will help make your progress more steady with less of the two steps forward one step back element.

I have done a LOT of work on the assuming part, which is largly rooted in my insecurities, but you can see I'm a work in progress.

We all are. I fight it too. I find myself assuming to "fill in the gaps" so that I can "understand" things (which is, of course, ridiculous because an answer based on assumptions isn't worth much). But I've come to recognize when I'm starting to do it and remind myself that it's a non-productive use of energy that I should be expending on something useful.

If things aren't perfect, we assume they are complete failures. I even transferred this to my R, where if I wasn't her whole world, then she didn't love me at all. A truly unhealthy way to operate.

I wasn't aware this was a "symptom" (so to speak). I can see how this would be very damaging to you both! It's unfortunate you didn't realize this sooner, but, as they say, the only thing worse than losing 25 years, is losing 25 years + one day. You know this now so you can make your future better.

I have lived the past 25 years of my life by my own will in the sick and twisted ways of a love addict. It is going to take a little time to change that thinking, feeling, and acting.

Yes, months at the very least. The good news is that she seems to be waiting too. She's not going to drop back in overnight because she knows even better than you do that its a long road and many don't have the strength to make it. Keep working on yourself. She's watching...but from a distance.

[30andLost]

Well hello again to those of you that have followed my sitch. I should really be posting under a different topic and changing the subject of my post, but for the sake of ease and history-- I'll keep adding to this one.

I can only say that the nuclear bomb that I dropped on my life has decimated my forest and given way to new life. I would attempt to journal about all the positives between my W and I since the last time I posted, but writing every detail of each 24 hour period would be more than my fingers could handle or that most could tolerate reading. Let me try to summarize...

We've had a bump or two, but small ones. My old self would have turned these bumps into weeks of self-pity and resentment where the new me is able to challenge my feelings and gain persepctive on them for what they really are. Then, and only if they are feelings that I need to share with her, I am able to COMMUNICATE with her what I am feeling and why. She is also comfortable communicating her feelings on a given situation and why or what she is feeling so that I can gain an even better perspective on my feelings. I am now spending nights at home. Every night since last Saturday. We even had a bump Saturday morning and because of our increased communication skills, she was able to sleep in the same bed with me with no ill feelings (about the bump) for the first time since 1/4/2007. We haven't ML yet because she is still battling the images of the OW in her head, which I understand and respect. What helps me is that she says she REALLY wants to ML to me but she needs to get a handle on the images so she doesn't ruin things. I really want her to ML to me and only me without the thoughts of the OW, so I'm more than willing to wait.

We are going to Maui Apr 12-16. She has said that the minute we get to our hotel room we are going to ML and make up for lost time. I told her to be sure to let me know if she still isn't ready and that I'm not going to hold her to anything she has said. We are going to the gym together now and we are really enjoying each others company. I can get her flowers now and she really appreciates them. I got her flowers from a florist that were absolutely shitty. The importance of these flowers was second only to oxygen. I bought the OW flowers from a florist once and she found out and told me to never get her flowers again. So she finally said I could buy her flowers and have them delivered to her work. So I did. I made sure to spend more on her flowers than the OW's, but they were half dead when she got them. I felt like [censored]! Even though it wasn't my fault, these flowers were supposed to be something special. I felt so bad that I left the house that night and went to Wal-Mart and bought some lily's and tulip's (her favorites) and made my own flower arrangement for her and she LOVED them. I think they meant more to her than the other flowers even though they were cheap because I did such a good job on them and even color-coordinated the tulips to the inside of the lilys!

Then I bought her calililys yesterday with a carwash gift cert. and card which are her 3rd favorite flowers. She really liked those too!

She has told me that I'm not going to lose her if my changes are for good. She just needs some more time to be convinced that I'm not going to hurt her again.

I guess that's enough for now. I just wanted to let you know that things are on their way -- not back to what we had -- but forward to what we should have always had, but unfortunately had to go through this bomb to get there.

I'll let you know when the renewing of our vows will be taking place!

Thanks for everything,
Brandon

[OldFool]

...the new me is able to challenge my feelings and gain persepctive on them for what they really are. Then, and only if they are feelings that I need to share with her, I am able to COMMUNICATE with her what I am feeling and why. She is also comfortable communicating her feelings on a given situation and why or what she is feeling so that I can gain an even better perspective on my feelings.

Way to go! You should be proud of your progress.

We haven't ML yet because she is still battling the images of the OW in her head, which I understand and respect. What helps me is that she says she REALLY wants to ML to me but she needs to get a handle on the images so she doesn't ruin things. I really want her to ML to me and only me without the thoughts of the OW, so I'm more than willing to wait.

Good. You're going to have to let her figure out how to deal with this. My WAW left me with a horrible set of images of her and the OM in our house. I have no reason to believe I'll ever have to confront them, but if by some miracle we end up together, I'll somehow have to figure out how to deal with them (not exactly sure how I'll do that).

She has said that the minute we get to our hotel room we are going to ML and make up for lost time. I told her to be sure to let me know if she still isn't ready and that I'm not going to hold her to anything she has said.

Another good move. It was kind of her to say it...but it may not happen and even if it does, she may find it's harder to deal with than she thinks.

[etc., etc.]

All good signs. I'm so happy for your personal progress and for the progress you've made with regard to your W and M. Keep it up. There is every reason to believe we'll be hearing more good news from you in the future.

[30andLost]

Just a quick update:

Quasi living at home since about April 1;

ML for first time since separation (last time was just sex) on April 8 (easter);

Left for Maui April 12;

She proposed to ME on evening of April 12 with new wedding ring and told me she was taking me back;

April 14 told me that taking me back also meant that I could move back home;

April 16 back from Maui;

April 17 moved back home and started looking for her new wedding ring...

Loving life, and scared to death about the future.

Thanks everyone,
Brandon

[cat03]

HOORAY!!!!!!!!!

remember, the hard work continues though

[OldFool]

Great news! I can't begin to tell you how happy I am for you. There's a lot of hard work ahead of you and probably a few setbacks as well. Keep your eyes on the prize and drop in every once in a while to let us know how you're doing.

[30andLost]

Back again...

Update: My W left me last night 6/20/07 @ 7:45PM...

Said that she wonders if there is someone out there better for her that will treat her as good as I do but that won't cheat on her. She left to go stay at her girlfriends house, and plans on dating other guys.

You might at first think I exploded and burst into tears and tried to convince her she was wrong -- but I did none of that! My connection with God has never been stronger and I believe that he wants me to do his will in all areas of my life, and in this case to put my W's needs above my own. I know what I've done; I know what I've taken from her; and I understand that she has doubts. I was in her place 7 months ago. Not knowing if this is the best relationship for me and wondering if there was something better out there for me. Well, I found out the hard way that there isn't, and it is my W that I want to be with forever. No one could have changed my mind when I left, and I have peace in knowing I cannot change hers. I love her, and because of that love I want her to be happy and free of the pain I have caused her. And that means letting her go with love and without resentment and anger. She may come back to me, but she may not. I have no control over that, only God does. I am at peace with the fact that I am being who God wants me to be, I am making Him proud of me, regardless of the pain that others bring into my life.

When it all came down I simply empathized with her position, told her that I love her, I was sorry, and I understand why she has to do this for herself. In all reality, I wasn't happy either. It's tough to keep throwing love at a brickwall. I truely hope and pray that she does find happiness and that that happiness leads her back to me. But ultimately I just want her to be happy. And I'll let God take care of me.

She said she still loves me, but that she doesn't love me the way she did before the affair and she doesn't know if that can come back.

I accept responsibility for what I've done, and the actions I'm taking to make sure that never happens again to my W or any future W.

I hope OldFool and Rosy_Times are still out there with an eye on my thread. It's been awhile so maybe not.

I'm sure I'll be back soon.

Thanks,
B

[No_LRT_Yet]

I want to get to where you are. I truly believe that God will take care of me. I'm learning to come to grips with this every moment. You are in the place a lot of us need to be in. I know I have some denial issues that i am working on. And I am also trying to change for her and not myself. I am getting to me though. Seeing where you are mentally right now is inspiring to me.

[OldFool]

Yep, I'm still here (the reports of my death are greatly exaggerated ).

Gosh...I was so hoping we hadn't heard from you because things were going so well you no longer needed us or you were so busy rediscovering each other and makin' love that you didn't have time to check in.

I think your attitude is probably as best as can be expected under the circumstances (and probably better than most). I suppose you now wait as she once did....