My Heart's Journey into the Unknown

[princess_nic]

So, today I went sugaring off w/ S5. I got a sub and took the day off. It is snowing, and the snow is staying! I can't believe it! My poor, brave little crocuses <sniff>.

Just spoke to H. I had emailed him yesterday re. kids this w/e, which has gotten v. confusing. He never replied, so I called him today and he took two days off. He told me (though I didn't ask) that he had things to do, like screw ow. No, not really, though I wouldn't put it past him to say something dumb like that. He did say that he had to get his car reg and "stuff." Whatever.

He told me he has a delivery on Sat, and I stupidly asked him what. Why do I do that? I'm just torturing myself. The longer I talk to him, the worse I feel. Time to stop, stop, stop. I can stop myself calling him, but once I get on the phone, I can't shut up. At least I didn't get into any R talk today, or even mention his GF/ow.

We are going to mediation in a little over a week. I still need to get a budget done. We are going ahead with this D, and I am just trying to get through it. I'm not going to fight it-it's just going to make it worse for me, more stressful. I just want to get it over with as amicably as possible for the sake of myself and my kids.

There is still a tiny particle of hope in me, but I am doing my best to squash it b/c I just don't think it's healthy. I don't want to be here 5 yrs from now, 45 y/o, still waiting around while H is on ow #15 or whatever. Or by then, I guess we'll be D'd, so she wouldn't be ow.

I just need to get through this horrible time, and trust that God will take care of me. He may not want this D, but H does, and he is just not listening.

N