I am currently posting under MLC, but know am confused if its really MLC or just an affair mostly due to H's insecurities.
I have read over and over about GAling, but what if in my case GALing only makes my stich WORSE? I do it now sporadically, but this infuriates him more and H goes and punishes me by going out and staying out all night (again).
Seven months ago my H states he wants a D and was tired of house,me,the kids and everything and just wanted to be alone. I had OW suspicions, but it was not discovered until this past Thanksgiving. I DB and did 180's my but off and started not reacting to his temper tantrums. The atmosphere at home has drastically changed and the fights have really subsided. At the beginging I thought ok, I will not demand anything from him as to stop seeing the OW for now, i thought it was to soon. Now, H has been staying at home more often and i haven't seen any "physical" evidence of a PA since November. I think he might be getting tired of her somehow b/c this past weekend H made yer another commment about her,but instead said " I am done w/ her she complains too much?" I coudln't get him to explain any further, but I am assuming she is putting the pressure on him big time and he is not liking that.
So, in turn I emailed him today and told him (I feel I have waited long enough) that if he really wanted to stay in this so called marriage that he needed to stop seeing her, emailing and severe all ties w/her. I said I have grown for the better in the last 6 months and that he has become a man I did not want to be with right now. WHat happened to man I use to know w/ morals and who once said to his buddy that he could never leave his wife just based on wanting to be w/another woman.
Who here has waited the longest for their SO to get off the fence???????????????????????????????????????????????????????? The past week when I finally started to put my feet down i said I was not going to his doormat and that I was not waiting any longer that I was ready to sign the D papers he so much wanted from the beginning. Boy, what a change? He started calling me sweetie and honey, so out of character for him and even caught himself and why did I just call you that? I started to go out more w/out him and he started to accuse me of cheating. Galing does not work for our stich! He was staying at home, but as soon as I started going out he started to do the same.When I distance myself ,he does the same. Whatever I do he does tenfold!
Can someone tell me if just being there and being nicey nice and NOT distancing works? Am I doing right by putting on the pressure as I think the OW is too?
Can someone tell me if just being there and being nicey nice and NOT distancing works? Am I doing right by putting on the pressure as I think the OW is too?
Chicki, The fact that H has been staying at home more is probably a good sign. I wonder if you two need to have a conversation regarding expectations of how much and in what way you two spend time together. Once that is cleared-up it seems that each of you would have the freedom to pursue personal interests. If not, then I would wonder what the problems is?
I think that putting pressure on him to end the R with the OW will not get the results you want. It will simply force him into hiding it more from you. What will end his R with her, is to increase the positives in your R, and for him to be willing to work on the M, and not use the OW as an exit (the latter piece is not in your control).
I think your H's response to your GAL efforts reflects his expectations he has regarding how much time you spend together, and possibly other issues. Find out what his expectations are regarding time spent together, and see if you think it's realistic.
I'll be curious to see if he wants to spend quality time with you, or he wants you around so he can "keep an eye on you."
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, I think he just wants me to sit at home while he carries on w/ his life. I say this b/c when I do make plans for just the two us and arrange for a sitter most of the time he will say no. He will do more if it's a family thing w/ the girls.
I agree w/ that he will only probably get more clever in hiding things from me now that I've put the pressure on. I was also told that it is a good thing to every once in a while stand up for yourself in order for H to start showing some respect. Lat week when i gave him the no doormat anymore speech and how i am a much better woman than she a single person who could get any other single she wanted, my H's body language and his reaction was like if i was turning him on (self assurance was appealing to him). It was weird but it like he almost was agreeing w/ what i said about the OW?
My H is the typical hispanic macho man in every sense of the word!
CL, I think he just wants me to sit at home while he carries on w/ his life. I say this b/c when I do make plans for just the two us and arrange for a sitter most of the time he will say no. He will do more if it's a family thing w/ the girls.
Chicki, Can you live by these rules (if it is true)? Would he harm you if you persisted in your GAL efforts?
This situation sounds more like you will need to determine if his expectations are fair or not, and if not, then you choose your level of compliance, without compromising safety.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I am starting to really get exhausted at my H's abuse and selfihness. Our a/c stopped working and the house was like a sauna last nite. I had fallen asleep even though very in our bedroom before him when he came into the rrom to take his pillows. I had a feeling Mr. selfish would sleep in his extra room that has a fan and so he did. i got up to ask him to please get me the extra fan thats out in the garage, but I couldn't get to it. He said no b/c he would have to move his motorcycle and just then kept on sleeping! I don't know why this comes as to know surprise to me,but then I asked him if I could sleep in th room w/ him and all hell broke lose ,"oh iam tired of his,etc... I said don't worry I am not going to "rape" you. So, I went back to my "sauna" room and thought as I was becoming more upset..... (i know let it roll of your back..) He told me I could sleep on the couch (fan in living room). I said thanks for being so SELF...LESS!!!!
I got up and in pj's left,took my work clothes and went to my mom's.
How much more abuse am I suppose to put up with?????????????
My mom who has always advice me NOT to divorce and wait on the Lord is now giving me her blessing to leave him...
P.S. H had come home from work especially angry saying that his cell wasn't working and the phone company can't do anything about....( I think lies,lies b/c he was justifying why he did not answer my phone call at lunch (when H is w/ OW). No i was not checking on him,but I really needed to get ahold of him at the time). But you see, I was not going to question him baout that whatsoever... And of course when i told him about the A/C thats when he became even more angry and started mentioning his cell promblem.
I was thinking maybe he had a "fall out w/ OW that really mad him mad) Who knows w/ MR. Angry all the time
Wow, what a selfish jerk. My advice start the LRT and go dark. Do not ask him for anything. Even something as simple as getting a fan or sharing his room with him. He is not worth you getting all upset over. He does not seem to be in a very good place right now.
Sorry I do not have anymore advice other than to go dark and do that for you own good. As far as how long you stand and put up with it is completely up to you. If you ask me you stand as long as you can so that you do not regret any desc. that you make.
Later, Ben
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
It was an unfunny joke. "Flicka" is exhausted too.
I do not know how to fix these bad boys. Let's just regroup and understand this bad stuff really is happening. Try hard to believe it very fast. You can not fix jerks. You can "hope" they stop being jerks while you make a new plan.
