Skip this message if you don't want to hear some very tough things. This isn't a 2x4, it is a 4x8.
Some things really seem blaringly obvious. Perhaps this is a bit of projection on my part because your H and my XH are so much alike, but this is how it sounds to me....
There is a big problem. You are sounding so alone in your M. Not surprising as you sound like the only adult in your M.
Why in the world are you doing all the parenting? Why in the world are their arguments about the baby's needs? A baby's needs aren't really very flexible -- constant attention, multiple feedings, frequent diaper changes, lots of love. What is to fight about??? Why are you the one to dole out special parenting tasks to H as ones you think he can be trusted with? Why is there ANYTHING he can't do himself with respect to the baby other than nurse her??? He is her father, isn't he? You reek of not trusting or respecting him as a father, and I can think of few things that would feel worse to a man than that.
Look, I KNOW your H is acting like a child. But, you are playing into the pattern by treating him like a child, accepting the parenting role by being both his and DDs mother, and accepting his childish behavior.
The thing is, neither of you will want the other as a marital PARTNER, nor as a LOVER, nor even as an INTIMATE FRIEND. Freud was WRONG. Adult males do not want to sleep with or marry their mothers. You are not feeling respect for H, and H is not feeling respect from you.
Your M is not going to be stable, vibrant, passionate, or happy until you break this dynamic. You think something is going on at the office in some way? Well, as well as anyone else here, you know you are very likely right. If you don't think it is an A, but something possibly headed that way, you are probably right. Truly, how many people have you seen here who are wrong about such things? Can you think of more than one case? Why would it be happening again? Because your H has lost his partner and lover and moved back in with his mother.
My guess is that his constant rant about you mothering too much is really about you mothering HIM too much.
Insist he step up to the plate, be a co-parent and your PARTNER, your EQUAL. Have you talked to him about your unhappiness? Have you worked TOGETHER to find a solution? Did you tell him about your meltdown? Or, are you still sole caretaker of the M as the only responsible adult in it? Have you said, "H, I am really scared about how things are going between us. Can we work together to get to a better place?"
Maybe some of the DB tools are for life. But, being the only one working on the M and not sharing your true thoughts and feelings for fear of being open with H are not things that should be going on years after reconcilliation.
You need to find ways to appreciate and respect H as a MAN and as a FATHER. If you can't, then your M isn't going to work.
This is hard to say, but I cringe when I read your thread lately. Things sound exactly like they would have been with my XH if we had reconciled and had a child. I am sooo grateful to have such a different life than that would have been. And, I don't think I would have ever gotten to a place where I really did respect XH as a man or a father.
But, there is an important difference in your case. I think you DID get to a place where you were in a real PARTNERSHIP with H, with passion and respect. So, I do think there is hope for your M. You simply must get back to that place.
BOTH you and H have slipped back into the pre-DB parent-child roles. It is not surprising -- you had to start parenting again and it spread to H. H probably was a little jealous of that kind of attention (or any attention) and slipped into a child role to get it. Ewwwwww.
Here's an idea... Leave him with the baby on Saturday for a few hours WITHOUT giving him instructions. Arrange for a babysitter Saturday night. Go buy some sexy lingerie while he is watching the baby, along with stuff for a romantic dinner. Take the baby to the baby sitter. Go home and cook dinner for H in your new purchases and treat him like a MAN and your LOVER. Talk dirty in his ear when you bend over temptingly to light the candles.
Of course, if he is guilt-ridden over his extra-curricular activities, whether they are mental fantasies, vague flirting, EA/PA, online crap, etc..., doing something like that will get you nothing but hostility.
Also, if the idea of doing something like that turns your stomach, then you REALLY need to get to a place where you can view your H as a real MAN. (I mention this because such a scenario would have turned my stomach with XH.)
I really really really wish you the best Sage. I hope you and H can get back to an M that is a real R between two passionate adults deeply committed to each other. But, while I can see pretty clearly what looks to be going wrong in your R because of my R with XH, I can't really tell you how to get to the place in which you love and respect H as a MAN and as a FATHER because I really don't think I could have done that with XH. And, your H reminds me too much of XH.
But, again, there is the important difference that YOUR H was able to step up to the plate and you two were able to find a great R as adults.
With respect to the A you are afraid of happening again, you say you "can't" you "won't" go through that again. Well, that is really not directly in your control.
Get back to a place where you are responsible for your own world and your own happiness. Get back to a place where you trust yourself enough with being OK that you can truly be emotionally vulnerable to H.
Hanging out in the safety net doesn't make for a good life. Time to climb the ladder and get back on that tightrope again. You will be OK.
