Patience isn't one of my virtues....

[hes_my_man2]

Hi all. I had been going back and forth between here and Newcomers (the traffic in there is better)...but I really think this is where I need to be.

This is my question...we went to MC yesterday and established that yes, my husband loves me, yes he is attracted to me (we did and still do have a VERY active and abnormal married sex life) but because of all my pushing, prodding and snooping, he doesn't really like me right now. He did have an A that lasted 8 months, and I completely believe the fact that he was trying to fill that emotional need that I had started pulling back on because I was angry about his work travel. The A was almost totally email as she is out of town. Ok...so that part is done.

So yesterday he established (after the MC appointment) that he does love me, but doesn't feel in love with me right now (duh). I understand that. And for the first time EVER when I asked, but what makes you think you won't look for those needs again, he answered - we could look all our lives and find different things in different people. I asked, then does that mean you're settling with me? He said NO, I know you can give me everything I need if we can just get through this crap.

So now, we're here, at what I think is an awesome spot - but I'm really struggling with his not saying ILY. He did some this past weekend, but is purposefully not doing it now. Should I appreciate that he wants to MEAN it when he says it??

I know I'm lucky to be where I am at - believe me...

Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

[hes_my_man2]

Forgot to mention - the A was discovered 2/8/07. All the prodding/travel crap had been going on since early summer....(so we're only barely 7 weeks into this).

[RedHeadWife]

I'm kind of at the same place. My H is saying ILY (even first) more often though. At first, he would say it and I could look in his eyes and feel he didn't really mean it. I got the "I don't love you like that anymore" numerous times. I finally kind of stopped saying ILY all the time this last time we started working on putting our M back together. If you look at my last post on my thread, you will get more insight on how I'm feeling right now and you may be feeling a lot of the same things.

My best advice is that they (our H's) took a long time to get to the "I don't love you like that anymore" and the D place, so even if they say they want to work things out, it is going to take them awhile to get 100% back into the R. Patience is not my strong suit either, but you have to be very patient and just love him. Work on you and the positive changes you feel you need to make in the M. Mine have been actually making sure I spend time with him after the boys go to bed, watching movies on weekends, talking to him about his day, his work, etc. Showing him constantly that he is loved and by ME.

My H never did move out. You and I are lucky to be in the place we are in, but we certainly don't want to ruin it by pressuring them. You are very lucky that he is willing to go to counseling. My H thinks it's a bunch of crap so I'm muddling through this on my own, w/ this forum's help of course.

[hurtingbad]

I am also waiting for the ILY i got the i still dont love you not sure if that is really how he feels or wether he is telling himself this to stay strong so I cant hurt him again.

I think if he isnt saying that he doesnt mean it thats my outlook on everything if they dont say it they dont mean it so yes I do think he is waiting until he can 100% mean it

Hugs HB

[hurtingbad]

I am also waiting for the ILY i got the i still dont love you not sure if that is really how he feels or wether he is telling himself this to stay strong so I cant hurt him again.

I think if he isnt saying that he doesnt mean it thats my outlook on everything if they dont say it they dont mean it so yes I do think he is waiting until he can 100% mean it

Hugs HB

[hurtingbad]

I am also waiting for the ILY i got the i still dont love you not sure if that is really how he feels or wether he is telling himself this to stay strong so I cant hurt him again.

I think if he isnt saying that he doesnt mean it thats my outlook on everything if they dont say it they dont mean it so yes I do think he is waiting until he can 100% mean it

Hugs HB

[hes_my_man2]

So hubs is off on a field trip today with middle child (they are mine from previous - he has none but treats them like his own). He's sent me numerous TMs just about the kids on the trip etc - nothing touchy feely but STILL....

I called our MC a bit ago to just briefly verify what I should do. (she cracks me up - she's not into the history or details - just says - "What is it that I can do for YOU??" So I quickly recapped our conversation yesterday and said we decided that since the sex is something that we both truly enjoy that we were going to keep on...she said good, that's a bond you want to keep...and then I told her about him not doing the ILY and what should I do? She said, if you want to tell him, tell him - then just keep doing the right thing!

So that's what I'm going to do - I will make a concious effort to not do it everytime I talk to him, hug him etc, but at least once a day. Also, we don't have the kids from Friday - Monday so I'll have plenty of time to show my NEW self off. It will have been a week since I started down this path on Friday - I can do it!! I plan to be totally upbeat and flirt my tail off (he loves that). No heavy R talk. None. We go back to MC in 2 weeks - I want to be able to smile like the Chesire cat when she asks what's been going on.

Go me!

[RedHeadWife]

Make the most of this weekend! Keep on keepin' on! I think you are definitely on the right track!

[limbo]

HMM2

You are doing great! Keep it up, we are all in such need of patience! I totally know the feeling! I want it better right now! But we have to be patient, and just let things happen in there natural course!

[hes_my_man2]

Whew...what a great week thus far! For the first time in a LONG time I am actually LOOKING forward to the weekend.

I had my IC last night and my therapist said, after I had recapped the past weeks grusome events, that I seemed to be in a much better place mentally now - that I seemed relieved and resolved. WOW! We talked about quieting your thoughts and taking the time to really think things through before bringing them to the table to discuss them (is it really necessary etc). I talked to her about the moodswing comments from our MC appt and she thinks that it is more of a learned behavior from my past (my family is all or nothing - I've been disowned twice thus far in my 37 years...oh, I'm back to being semi-owned now...not sure I was every fully?)

Anyways, she feels, until we look at it further next week, that she's leaning more towards learned behavior than a chemical reasoning. She said the steps that I take between now and then will also help in figuring that all out (ie, how my thought pattern/behavior pattern is this coming week). A good suggestion she had: Put those little dots (the sticky kind) around places that you normally start/continue talks with your spouse - it will serve as a reminder to make you AWARE of where you are in your thought patterns (she suggested bathroom mirror, rearview mirror of the car, computer monitor at work etc).

So I picked up the field tripers late last night and my attitude was so good I almost didn't believe it. They (hubs and daughter) were so wiped out from walking all day that they were both mildly cranky, but I just kept keeping on (got a nice hug and kiss first thing).... We got home and got ready for bed...hubs put his hand on my leg and I kissed his shoulder and said I missed ya today. He patted my leg and said I missed you too (ok...so this is a positive since he isn't repeating the ILY's which I haven't said in a day or two). I was upbeat again this morning and just had a great/light/flirty email with him about this weekend.

My observations: In the past 2 days he's called me 'baby' a million times. While this isn't uncommon, it seems to me he's really putting forth effort to try. He also called me today by my pet name only him and my best friend call me. Right after the bomb when we were first working on coming back he did it alot - I think it's trying to get himself back to that place that we first started (in the beginning of the relationship that's all he called me). I don't think it's being fake, maybe a little forced, but so is my smiley-assed attitude when I really feel like yuck inside. I'm going to give him credit for this one.

I was going to test the waters by bringing up some stuff that the counsler suggested this weekend, but I think I'm going to wait. We don't have the kids this weekend, plan to do yard work and the weather is suppose to be cool, so I'll take advantage of that and have a fire outside while in the hot tub....why mess up THAT kind of MOJO?

OH! I did mention to IC that I was active on this website forum - she was like "OHHH...Michelle is SO good!!".

I think I'm getting to a good place.