Valentines day massacre

[LoginName]

OL,
Hope things aren't too crazy now. I still warn you not to think to hard on what she is doing/thinking/feeling etc. Detach. Work on yourself. Please yourself (not in a selfish, mean way, but try to do what YOU want and think is best. Try not to do something because it MAY affect her or change her).

at one point she said she would want to see one day if I really meant what I wrote..

My W has said similar things to me too. It looks like your letter worked, but see my first paragraph. Don't forget that it takes 2 to make a M work and 2 to mess it up. It's good to realize the mistakes you've made and change them the best you can. Don't do it expecting that she will suddenly see the light and be madly in love with you. It won't happen. It won't. It's hard to accept, but true.

Given time, a lot more time than you'd like, she may fall in love with you again, a little bit. Then maybe a little more.

You can't force it, control it, or hurry it. Work on yourself. Who are you? Who do you want to be? Not for her,for yourself.

Since your kids are older, how does this affect them? Are they doing OK? I ask because if you and your W can be friends and work together for the kids benefit, I think that is best for them. You wrote

W actually helped me get the car...so that was nice of her

so maybe you two can work together. That's a good sign. (Warning! it's not a sign that she wants you or loves you.)

Can you really get a car for $50? I need to get my S a car. $50 bucks would be great.

I hope your friend helps you and supports you on this. Friends are tricky. Even if they have your best interest at heart, they may not give the best advice. I say that because some of the mistakes I've made have been due to listening to my mom and my friend. They've planted ideas or feelings that have caused me to do the wrong things (not their fault of course. I didn't have to act on those ideas). So how is your buddy?

Dude, I hear you about parents. My dad died a few years ago, but I still have my mom to deal with. She is great in many ways. I know she loves me and supports me, but she is really hard for me to be around for long periods of time (more than 4 hours). She drives me nuts. When I got out of the Navy, my family moved in with my folks for a bit while I looked for a house and job. I took the first job and house I could find to get us out of there! I feel your pain.

...I kept noticing all these happy couples...felt really lonely...missing her

I can tell you true that it does get easier. You learn to make yourself happy more. You still miss her (god, how I miss her, even with her in the house), but the pain becomes less sharp. Those happy couples, love songs, movies, etc., start to lose their sting after a while.

You aren't pathectic. You're doing well. You're strong. I gotta tell you though -- if you asked your W how your doing, you would probably be surprised that she thinks your still a basket case. I thought I was doing so well keeping my emotions under control and such, and my W gave me a grade of D. (I thought I was a B+!) I guess that's better than an F, but it made me see that I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was. It doesn't matter though. It doesn't matter what she thinks or her opinion. You know you're being strong (we know it too )

I'm being a little negative today I think, and it's because I want you to really try to focus on yourself and detach. I think it's important to stop trying to please her, win her back, change her. You can't. She's on a journey and she's on it by herself. You've got to start your journey.

It's important to do this, and it's hard. You'll slip many times, and that's OK. Just keep yourself pointed in the right direction. You are important. You matter. You are worthy. Her actions don't affect that, they don't.

wishing you the best, OL.