Could Use Some Input Over here

[RedHeadWife]

I'm actually in piecing. Whether that is where I should be is questionable, but that's a whole other story.

Part of the downfall of my M was my lack of desire for sex. We had 3 boys in the span of 7 yrs. I got pregnant w/ the first 2 weeks after we got married. Had 2nd when first was 4, 2 1/2 yrs ago and then had another 1 yr ago February. Quite a handfull.

I'm sure it's tossed around here a lot that sex is pretty different for men & women. For me, during pregnancy, it was almost painful so that cut out 9 months x 3. Then I was so tired when baby(ies) were still getting up all the time during the night and then even once they started sleeping through the night, it was hard for me to "get in the mood" when I was half listening for one or all 3.

I guess my "question" would be -- why after he wants a D am I all of a sudden wanting it more and don't feel at all self-conscious (another issue), etc. He actually asked the other night why one position was all of a sudden good for me when it never was before. I told him the truth-I've lost a lot of weight (because of the D bomb) and I'm not so self-conscious anymore.

We are in piecing because I think we are going forward w/ our M. Although I am not having any R talks partly because I don't want to put any pressure on him, but also b/c I'm not sure I want to hear what he may still be saying (don't love you, etc.)

He has not initiated since all this happened. He actually at times said "I don't want that from YOU." He has said numerous times that he felt "rejected" when I didn't want to have sex w/ him (and trust me I now know how he feels).

We do have sex now, Friday night was the last time, however, Saturday night he kinda sorta turned me down. Anyway, should I keep initiating since I don't want him to think "things are going back to the way they were?" Men, how should I take it that he's not initiating at all?

[OG_Lou]

Welcome to the forum Cadesmom34

First, sex is not just sex. When you were not in the mood, he probably felt rejected. Now that he has given up on the R, you want sex. Confusing to most guys. Position "A" was a no go when he wanted a R with you, now that he doesn't want a R with you and is thinking about leaving, you say OK. So in his mind you were just holding out on him. (just my guess)

Sure he wants some form of sex but he also wants acceptance, which probably he didn't feel when you were not into sex.

I have some similar issues with my W, BB. When I with draw from the R, she becomes interested. The closer I feel towards her she withdraws or wants things more her way.

I don’t always know what to do but say that is the way it is. Maybe there is something you, my W, and other women have in common. Maybe it is common with both sexes.

So my best insight or advice is he wants to be appreciated, feel connected, and valued so look past the physical sex acts. Maybe what sex he has with you is because of just basic urges.

I bet he wants more of what he didn’t get when your kids were babies. Aske him what he wanted then that was more than putting tab “A” in slot “B” and getting off.


What order are your priority?
a)Kids, work, self, spouse, things, parents and siblings,
or
b)Your sanity, spouse, kids, work, parents and siblings, hobbies.

B is better than a. Yes a spouse comes before kids sometimes, that way they can do more for the kids. Your screen name indicates the kids have a bit too high position in your M. Am I right or wrong?

Lou

[LustForLife]

Interesting observation Lou:

Your screen name indicates the kids have a bit too high position in your M. Am I right or wrong?

Cadesmom34
The birth of children puts a lot of stress on a M. It sure did in mine.
But Lou is correct that very often the couple should put themselves before the children. It is in the children's best interest afterall - a happy family. But all too often, couples drift apart during this time.
Good for you for reconnecting with your H. Sorry he is not always willing to open himself up to you but he is probably dealing with lots of resentment.
It's a slow process. Try not to get discouraged.

LFL

[RedHeadWife]

You are totally right. It may sound like an excuse, but I truly thought I was doing my "duty" by putting the kids first and doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing in raising them, etc. I now see things more clearly and in a different light. I now know that H is supposed to come before kids and I'm making sure that that is happening. I now know that I guess I was thinking - I take care of the kids and H takes care of me, but no one was "taking care of" H. Wrong answer, I know!!

Anyway, this a.m., HE INITIATED!!! Yeah for me. Last night I tried to get things started, but he was sore from having to do a PT (phy training) test for work and said that he would set a "date" for tonight (a plus right there). Well, this a.m., I got up & got coffee started, brought him his coffee and was about to leave the room & he actually called me back to cuddle a bit and one thing led to another! Yeah!!! I really, really think things are coming along or he is coming around or whatever. I truly still didn't know what he was thinking/feeling about R, etc. I was pretty much scared to ask, but also didn't want to put any pressure on him. I have so learned my lesson this time about just loving him and letting him find his way back on his own.

Ok, now, how graphic can we get here? I truly need some pointers from the guys on BJ's. I think I'm doing ok,but just ok, don't really know what I'm doing. Can you guys give me some pointers on here? or is that allowed?

[fearless]

Courtesy of MJonthemend:


here at Mojo Industries we've been giving head since 1979 and continuous improvement is our motto). Such as:

1)60 but no 9.
2)Double teabag
3)Thumb suck
4)Nipple/Cock/Nipple/Cock
5)Ice Job
6)Standard Slow/fast/Stop/start
7)Prostate massage
8)Full Out Scary Swallow
9)Just the tip with hand swirl
10)Where is my mouth?
11)Hand to cheek

etc.etc.etc.

I've been reading sex manuals since before I started having sex so a lot of it is sort of combinations of what I've read and stuff I made up myself. Or sometimes I'll do something first and then I'll find out the name for it from a book. Some of it I learned from porn films too. Some of it was based on suggestions or directions from men I was with.

1) Tease move in which you can do him but he can't quite do you.

2) A teabag is a scrotal sac. If you can get both in your mouth it's a double.

3) Another tease move in which you do it to his thumb like you're going to do it to his c*ck.

4) You have to be large breasted for this one. Sort of like a combination of a boob job and head but you do your own nipples too.

5) Numb it up with ice. Warm it up with mouth.

6) Full instructions for this one in the old Joy of Sex. One of the first moves I ever learned/tried. Pretty self-explanatory.

7) Stroke the perineum while giving head or the prostate directly. I think this is one of those things guys either love or find really too much.

8) 0-60. No teasing. No slowing down. Stretch your palate. No man doesn't like this one in my experience. Total lioness move especially if you can knock him down or do it in semi-public.

9) Just for foreplay. Just half manual/half head. More licky than sucky.

[OG_Lou]

I now know that H is supposed to come before kids and I'm making sure that that is happening.
That is almost right Cadesmom34. I think it is a combination of putting each other first, the marriage first, then the kids up there some place.

I take care of the kids and H takes care of me, but no one was "taking care of" H. Wrong answer, I know!!
Sounds like you understand what got out of order. You are a fast learner.

Ok, now, how graphic can we get here?
As graphic as you can stand. We have posted it all.


One rule is, you don't post graphic things to pick-up guys.
Just kidding but serious.

One question to think about, Is oral what he wants?

It is important to some guys but consider the fact that some guys want their W to have a good time too. I don't know what your pleasure experiences have been in the past, so will start with the basics. How much pleasure do you get from having sex with your H? How do you show it? Do you send out clues he can read?

I ask these things, not for answers for myself, but for you to think about. I ask because of my marital/sexual situation with my W. I might like a BJ but right now it would be more enjoyable if she had an O or got really excited during sex.

I don't expect my w to have an O, but it would be nice. BTW, I have my fun/pleasure but something is missing. Maybe your H feels some of the things I have felt.

Remember sex often times is more than getting off for some guys. It is about making and exchanging some intimate times and shared feelings.

If you can't get there ("O") don't worry. Making progress to stabilize he M is a big job right now. The improvements need to be worked out one at a time.

Lou

[RedHeadWife]

I've definitely gotten to the "O" almost every time we've had sex since the bomb. I lost a lot of weight & finally decided to allow myself to enjoy & come out of the "box" a little bit as far as our sex life goes and I think that's made a huge difference!! I'm sure he likes the oral bit, and I never really did it before, so I think he's enjoying the new things we are doing also. And, yes, he is the type that wants/likes for me to be enjoying it too.

[OG_Lou]

I really wasn't requiring an answer for my benefit but just wanted to make sure you saw some opinions, and my opinion that most men want more than just sex. Like I said before, my questions and suggestions are based on my/w's history, which included my W's opinion men just want the mechanical sex part. I didn't know what beliefs you had about men and sex or more specifically what you thought your H appreciated.

And, yes, he is the type that wants/likes for me to be enjoying it too.
Good. I think some women miss this point, especially when they are in shut-down mode.

"O" since the bomb
Can you explain to your H why it didn't happen before the bomb, but only if you think it will help him see what is different now is more than just hanging on to him so he doesn't leave.

I have my own situation that if my W, BB and I were younger, and a low frequency of sexual encounters was the norm, and I dropped the bomb and sexual frequency increased dramatically, as did "O'ing" I would wonder why.

Even at our ages, when she doesn't seem connected to me and I with draw, then she is willing to do some of the things I want, I am mystified sometimes.

I see where it takes talk of leaving to get past some barriers. Maybe it is an almost universal trait people have in them, the salvage phase.

Maybe this phrase sums it up:
I don't want you or the relationship the way you/it is/are but don't leave me. I will do enough to keep you around.

Lou

[tookher4granted]

for me at least, when it somes to a bj...also use your hand

[RedHeadWife]

I think for me, I was extremely unhappy about a lot of things in our R as well. I didn't want to be "just the mom," but felt that that was what I was supposed to be doing. I tried to be the mom I thought I should be (june cleaver) and that's not me AT ALL. (Ok, showing my age) but this mom still likes Ozzy & AC/DC and listening to the rock station, but that's not how a mom should act. In a nutshell, I wasn't happy w/ ME, therefore when H finally said to me when he looked @ me and saw an angry, tired, bitter woman, he was actually truly right.

The issues in our M weren't all about sex, but that was pretty much absent and he felt rejected. Like I've said, I now know exactly how he felt and it's a horrible feeling. I didn't see it that way before. Didn't realize I was in fact rejecting him by not wanting that intimacy w/ him.

Anyway, I am hopeful that w/ all of the positive changes I'm making in me, it will, in time, heal our M. This "new" me that is actually now enjoying sex AND enjoying trying different things AND enjoying that it pleases my H as well is actually happy about those things. I don't feel like I'm doing any of it to "keep him" and I also am working on the other intimate details of our M as well, not just the physical.

thanks for any input and all the advice that has been given. I truly appreciate it!!!!