Up and down....H does want to come back and actually said to me "I hope you can be patient with me while I sort this mess out". Words I never thought I would hear - now that I hear them I want more!! I do feel that things are improving in a big way but I don't get why he just can't up and leave OW. Weird.
Wish I was back in Blighty sometimes...would cope so much better with a regular night on the Toon The good thing about being so far away though is that my family are spared the details and my up-and-downs and since I chose not to talk to them (to protect H really incase he did decide to come back) I am hoping that things will be easier with everyone IF/WHEN he comes back to earth. Strange how so many of my friends don't even know he has left!!! See, Northerners are tough!
Oh...and I decided that I had to make some boundaries too....so I did say in a very nice and calm way that it was his choice not to spend Sat with his son but if he chose to go back to OW on his night off work then his words re coming home are not matching his behavior and I am left thinking that he is using our home as a hotel. I actually said that I would need to re-evaluate where I'm at in terms of thinking it's OK for him to sleep his night shifts off here (when really I wanted to say "if you don't stay on Sat night then you can forget staying ever again"). But, I think I said it in a nice, detached and loving way and it made him think. He commented later that "if I do stay Sat then don't get mad when I go back to OW on Sunday"....of course I wanted to slap him but I suppose the baby step is to have him stay over on Sat first.....
Also, the whole detached and loving/best friend stuff...well it does work because H said yesterday that my behaviour has surprised him......so, MillyMoose, keep going because my H has been gone over 6 months and he's only just starting to see the light (I think)
These boards are what keeps me going.....
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
Nosedive.....today he was talking about the house and how he doesn't want me to have to sell - doesn't want to take the responsibility for me losing my career and life over here (we had been talking about what I would do if he didn't come back and I was honest and said that in order to give son the best quality of life with a real family I would move back home even if it meant giving up the career I had always wanted). Said he'd been away so long he didn't know if he could mentally come back...his feeling for OW strong..blah blah. Said he wasn't ready to stay the night this weekend when he is off work.
When will he ever be ready? I have heard this line from him for weeks.....I feel like a doormat now and I did say that if it was his decision not to stay over then I have to keep my boundaries in place and that I didn't think it would be appropriate to keep staying over here just to sleep off his night shift. He was surprised that I would stick to it and said "so if I am not staying tomorrow night then there is no point in coming here in the morning after my night shift"...I didn't answer. Everything seems so black and white to him that I am starting to wonder if I really should just get out of this relationship now and find something better. I even looked at him tonight through my tears and thought "what's the point? I can do so much better". I am trying to tell myself that this is a normal feeling in this situation but I can't get this nagging doubt away that perhaps someone somewhere is trying to tell me to get out of this relationship - because he will deceive me again and again.
We got into some OW talk - I know I shouldn't - but I told him the truth only this time we didn't argue. I calmly told him what I thought and that I thought he was better than to be infatuated with some low self-esteem person who thought it was OK to steal someone else's husband. I have admitted my part of the breakdown so many times (workaholic).
I suggested that perhaps he felt torn because she was starting to lay down the law with him and give ultimatums - and he didn't say anything (silence from him usually means I've hit the nail on the head).
He said "but this is the 2nd time I've done this to you" - almost like he wanted me to say that therefore how could I ever trust that he wouldn't do it again. Like he wants justification of why he shouldn't come back. I pointed out that last time it happened we were also neglecting our relationship - there is a pattern. I also said "so, in OW you have found the perfect person and despite having all the baggage you have now, and the guilt that you will no doubt carry with you, you will never cheat on her for the rest of your life?" That made him think.
Anyway, he went to work this evening and less than 10mins after he left he called "to talk"....we talked calmly - a little about his own upbringing and a bit about how no marriage is perfect but those who stay together work out the problems instead of running away and constantly thinking there's something better. It ended in a good way.
So, at this point I really don't know if he will come tomorrow morning after work or not. I guess I have to face facts that my marriage is all but over.
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
I think you are prbably a litle ahead of my own sitch but it does sound like he is trying to rationalise his own actions and why he has done what he has.
You seem to be doing fine but these little signs of life are so hard and then they knoeck you back to earth!!!
Keep going, stiff upper lip and all that, and you will succeed in whatever you want to happen!!
Well H came home after his nightshift on Sat, slept, then spent the rest of the day with me and S. Had a good time although we did get into some R talk (he initiated it)....lots of tears...seemed like he is so happy with her he cannot give her up. But then he is hugging me and telling me he loves me (which he hasn't said in I don't know how long). Says he doesn't know how to mentally come back. He didn't stay overnight but stayed til 9pm. So I suppose that's an improvement since he wasn't even intending on coming over at all on Sat - was going to drive straight to OW after work.
I was so upset after he'd gone....sobbing my heart out. Tried calling him multiple times around 10.30pm (thinking he'd still be en route) but he didn't answer. I cried myself to sleep. Next morning I called again and again - nothing. Cried again. Feel like I am sinking and I know I am putting my emotions too much onto him but I feel so lost again.
Anyway, he called at 9.20am Sunday morning asking if I was OK. I said "no". We talked for 20 mins and he said that he really did mean everything he said about wanting to come home. His head is just screwed up (he said that). Said he would call or text later. He didn't so I called him ...nothing. (I KNOW I SHOULDN'T!!). Anyway, at 8pm I had a long text: "I hope you haven't had too bad a day babe. I hope little man has been OK. I would call you if I could. It was good spending time with you both yesterday. I'll talk to you soon". I didn't answer but I notice the positives (babe, good spending time, would talk if I could....it's almost like he's having the affair with me, which I suppose is a good thing). I am just so confused.....not even sure if I want this...feel like I am working so hard at this marriage to make a point sometimes, without even considering whether he is who I REALLY want. But, no-one is perfect and all marriages have problems.....that's what I tell myself any way.
Spoke with DB coach again today (first time in 3 months)....I think I am trying to make his return too easy, which isn't a good goal. He needs to recognise the value of being with me. I'm his best choice and I'm worth the struggle in our relationship. Cost doesn't matter but value does. I'm demonstrating value and he has to pay the price - it's not good for me to lower my price just to get him back because then won't work for either of us in the long term.
I feel more positive now but I am scared. Not that I cannot do it on my own - because I can - but because our son will not grow up in the family he deserves because his father can't/won't attempt to heal this marriage. Before this A, my H was a wonderful father and they had a bond that my friends envied....he is losing that bond over time. And my love for him seems to be slipping away.
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
Had really good interactions Tues (H was particularly attentive, hugging etc) but Wed was bad. We got into R talk as I was leaving for work (just after he arrived to look after S) and I ended up not going to work......
Lots of tears by both of us, heavy conversation. While he doesn't want to be a divorce statistic, doesn't want to lose me, and wants to be a proper father (his words), he is not willing/able to give up OW. His feelings for her are so strong, something that he has not felt before therefore it must be right (I want to bash his head off a brick wall for that statement!).
I talked about him about trust issues and did he really think he could trust her not to go after another married man, and could she really trust him not to be seduced by another woman (I KNOW...I SHOULD"T BUT SOMETIMES I CAN"T HOLD MY MOUTH!)...but he believes he CAN trust her and she can trust him. Jeezzz....I am floored. La-la land again.
He ended up leaving our home at 1.30pm when he usually leaves at 6pm since he admitted he couldn't cope with the heavy conversation. He said he needed to be alone; I said he was running to OW, he said she was at work so he would be alone.
He did call me an hour or so later to see if I was OK. I then called him a bit later to see how he was...no answer x 3, then he sent a text that he got back OK, I called him, no answer so I knew he was with OW. The only time he won't answer but will text is when he is with her. I left him a message saying that "I cannot live like this anymore, I'm sorry" and put the phone down. I was devastated all over again. I wanted to say "don't bother coming back, it's over" but I held my tongue. Wish I could have held it more and not have called him in the first place. Within 20 mins he sent me a text saying "can we talk tomorrow? She came home from work sick" so I think he is worried now.....that's the first time he's mentioned OW as a justification of why he's not answering. I didn't respond.
So, despite a bad day, when I reflect there were several good points: 1. doesn't want to lose me 2. doesn't want to get divorced 3. doesn't want another man bringing up his son 4. said that both his heart and head were telling him what the right thing to do was but it felt he couldn't break from OW 5. OW has started to bug him about ending it with me (now I know this, I can maybe hold on a little longer) 6. said he can't go on like this, it's too stresful....it's killing him (he said he feels like shooting himself in the head but admitted that would mean he didn't have to make a decision) 7. asked me to not stop trying 8. asked me to give him space 9. our son's birth was the best day of his life, followed by our wedding day 10. he has ON HIS OWN started reading some of the books that are keeping me going and even suggested that he would take them into work to read on his break. Currently reading "After the Affair" by Janis Spring - title a little misleading since it is a fab read for anyone even those not going through this. Also "Not Just Friends" by shirley Glass is wonderful too. I hope he will read both.
When I list things out like this it makes me realize that he is very bonded to me and we have a good chance of this thing working out. I just feel completely devalued by being a choice between everything we share and some cheap homewrecker. Makes me feel worthless even though I know i'm not. And it makes me think less of him too. That's what scares me.
So....the saga continues. Any advice on what to do now would be appreciated....I'm afraid of backsliding now
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
The good thing about being so far away though is that my family are spared the details and my up-and-downs and since I chose not to talk to them (to protect H really incase he did decide to come back) I am hoping that things will be easier with everyone IF/WHEN he comes back to earth. Strange how so many of my friends don't even know he has left!!! See, Northerners are tough!
as I was leaving for work (just after he arrived to look after S) and I ended up not going to work......