The more I tried to keep my H and Ow apart the more they wanted to be together. It really doesn't matter EA or PA I truly don't think either one is worse over the other. The EA is WAY harder to get over - I wish my H just had a PA and he'd be further along - its really hard to shut down the feelings for OW...
Someone said on these boards- they are like teenagers the WAS and OP will do what they have to get together. They think they are this unique love - my h's Ow actually said they were soulmates (but then found another dude to boink when H was trying to reconcile with me - she lasted less than 2 wks without a man around...so much for the soulmates). They are in their fantasy bubble land and only when reality hits them will they really start to see the light. It's too bad they dont read the boards out here and see the 1000's of "unique" A's that there really aren't!!!
YOU CANNOT MAKE THEM SEE THE LIGHT -you can be the positive force for yourself and for the M but she has to want to come back - you cannot make her...
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
ERC, I can sympathiize with your situation, it is so similar to mine. I too have gone through the spying thing and then not wanting to know at all. But in my case it was the H of the OW that was trying to keep me informed. He would call me late at night, and then I couldn't sleep afterwards. I knew it was going on and did not want to know everytime they were together, it was just too painful. The OW is my H's secretary so again here is another similar situation. Listen to Theoden he is very wise. Everyone on here and everything I have read has said not to try to tear them apart, all it does is push them together. I'm hoping that my H will wake up on his own. The advice I have been given is detach and GAL. Easier said than done I know, but I'm staying busy with my friends and my daughters. I'm trying to give him his space, I'm not always successful, but I think I'm getting better. I have read that our spouses feel caged in, and we need to open the gate. Once we do that they sometimes decide we are not as needy as they thought we were!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Thanks everyone for the feedback, I knew not doing anything about the A was the right answer. But I had to still throw the question out there.
Well tonight was some what eventful. We went to dinner with my in-laws and you could cut the tension between my wife and I with a knife. On the way home my W says "This is all I have to give rightnow". I say to myself well you are not giving a freakin thing, so it can only get better. She then said that we needed to talk and figureout or sitch because the tension is effecting our girls. I think to myself No kidding, are you just now seeing this??? Well I did not want to have this conversation in the car with the girls in the back seat so I stayed quiet she asked if I had anything to say. To which I told her yes but not with the kids in the car. So once we got home I basically turned around and left. I told her that I would be back when the kids were in bed and that we can talk then.... She stated that was not what she meant. Not sure about that comment. But I just re-iterrated to her that I was taking off. I ended up contacting my friend and we meet up and had some coffee. I again told him that I don't need to try and figure this out I just needed support. Which is what he gave me. We talked through what the conversation with my wife would be like and what leap of faith is God asking me to take. Unfortunately we could not answer that last question. One of the things that I am planning on doing is praying over my wife tonight while she is sleeping. As of rightnow I can do this nightly, she is still sleeping in the same bed....Did I ever mention that my wife is beautiful, well she is.
So this is how our conversation went. First she asked me if I was ready to talk to which I told her no give me a minute. I then went into the basement and strapped on my old catchers gear. I know that it sounds like I am off my rocker but I needed to do something to break the tension. So I walk upstairs and into the kitchen with my gear on. My wife at first could not believe what I was doing but then after 30 seconds she had a good laugh. When she asked what I was doing I told her I was ready for anything that she was going to throw at me. Then she began to talk....it was the same crap. I never loved you like you love me. There is nothing left in the tank for the way I did love you...blah, blah, blah..... Same crap She stated how hard she tried over the years to connect with me and always came up empty. There is nothing for you anymore, you are only the father of my children...... When it was my chance to speak I told that I understood how she is feeling and am sorry that she feels that way. I think my validation stung her a bit. I then told her that for our kids sake we need to learn how to communicate and remove as much tension as possible. I basically told her that we need to start seeing her counseler together. She wasn't totally opposed to this. I then again mentioned her work schedule and that she had to stop running into work at the drop of a hat. I told that she keeps dumping everything on me and runs to work. She did get a little defensive about that statement. I told these where my boundaries. She still will not mention S or D. But everything else she is saying is that we have no future.
Back to my earlier question: part of me would love to see the SOB with nothing. He abandoned his family(flippin coward) and if he lost his job - that would be great.... I know that is mean spirited but this a-hole is tearing my family apart. He might be a Dr. but I still do not think very highly of him.
Theoden, I haven't talked to you in a couple of days. Are you feeling better? I hope so. You always comfort everyone else just wanted to let you know that we all care about you!
Sorry to hijack ERC!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I should also mention that my wife grilled me about were I went. I gave in to easily. I told who I was with and were. She also wanted to know what we talked about to which I told her little. I going to get me some sleep here in a minute. Have a good night everyone. Thanks again for your support and encouragement.
ERC, As tempting as it would be to try to get him fired, I think it would backfire. Until someone has been through a betrayal they don't understand the pain we go through. If you were to "out" their affair you might look like the pathetic rejected husband trying to get revenge, and he would probably still have his job. Believe me I can relate to wanting to hurt and humiliate the OP. I just keep telling myself to take the high road and not lower myself to her standards. I don't want to do anything that may come back to haunt me or embarass my children. I also wouldn't want to give my spouse anything else to "blame" me for. Remember in her eyes right now, he is perfect.
Also about the grilling I too always tell everything. I have a hard time being mysterious. Why do they always want to know all about us, but do not always wanting to share with us? Hang in there and just know that you will never regret trying to save your M and family either way it goes. Just remember we have to work on ourselves!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I would not go to HR and tell. This happened in my sitch (I did not tell, but someone else did) and my H did lose his job unfortunately the OW didn't (I thought she should have, but I think he stuck up for her and protected her) anyways they really became closer, they had something to fight for together and everyone was against them... as someone else said... Romeo and Juliet... all the way... gag gag gag... sorry the my whole sitch makes me sick.
Any extra drama brings them closer. Unbelievable, I know. You are very strong to be able to not want to know any details. I can't and it does eat me up inside. Keep trying and hang in there.
Well I need to start doing the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. To be honest I do not know if I have the strength to do it. I have known for awhile that I need to grieve the loss of my M. The M that I once knew is no more. That is not to say that my M doesn't have a chance. It will be either better then it once was or not at all. Living with my GW makes this really hard. She still is in the same bed with me and under the same roof. But she nolonger or atleast at this moment has anything in her tank for me. I am not sure I can move past this loss while still living with all the great memories. I will not leave, my girls need their daddy. But emotionally I am a mess. I put on a strong mask in front of my wife, but inside I am dieing a slow painful death. It is like some stuck a dagger into my heart and left it there. I pray daily that God will take my burden from me because it is to much for me to bear. I can honestly say that I know what it feels like to lose a spouse. I actually think if she had passed away it would be easier to deal with...... Sorry I am hurting bad this morning.
As you can tell I am not doing so well this morning. I really hope as the day goes on my mood will pickup, who knows. I do go see my counseler tonight, but I really do not know how much help she is providing me. She has helped abit. Maybe she can tell me why I take on a different personality with my wife and become a doormat.
It's OK. Remember grief is cyclical: anger, sadness, denial, bargaining. And until this situation is resolved these feelings will keep coming up. It's OK. I found a Catholic Church near my office that's always open. Somtimes when things get so tough, I go there to cry. There are times I feel like ruining the OM's career and telling his wife. There are times when I felt that a tragic car accident involving my wife and OM would be the only thing to give me peace.
What you are feeling is OK. It's not supposed to be easy.
And yes, your wife is beautiful. Mine is too. I pray over her. I touch her pillow with my hand and ask God's Holy Spirit to flood her with joy, peace and truth.
Hosea was an Old Testament prophet. He was asked by God to marry a woman who would be unfaithful to him, this way the prophet could feel in his heart what God felt about Israel's apostasy and spiritual infidelity (idolatry). God said this about Israel:
6 Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
7 She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.
A very wise 72 year old woman gave me this prayer for my marriage. I pray it almost daily. Pray for a "hedge of thorns" around your wife, and one around the doctor. Thorns are painful. Ask God for a severe mercy: that the closer they get the more painful it will get for them.
By the way, the catcher's gear thing was freaking brilliant!!! I think that deserves a medal. Laughter is a gift to both of you.
Stating your boundaries is good. You are not a doormat, at least not a total one ;-). It's OK. You can't make her do anything, but you can state your desires.
Once you get over your fear of losing her, you will cease to be a doormat. One you realize that you don't need her, you will begin to bcome more creative in your DB efforts. It's the fear of loss that created tension for me.
Remember, if your wife is in an affair, most of your DB efforts will be more focused on two things: 1. Do no harm (don't chase her) and 2. Your transformation into a joyful, purposeful, fun, attractive, warrior-like man who is very attractive.
Even if you turned into beefcake/cassanova/superman overnight, if your wife's still in love with the piece of sh#t doctor, she might notice the changes, but will still be in her romantic fog and yawn at you. You're fighting the bio-chemisty of new love with all it's endorphin and adrenaline boosts. My wife more ore less told me this. She said once, "Even if you became this amazing guy who is capable of emotional intimacy and really respects me, right now I'm not that interested in you." She was in the middle of her affair and she simply couldn't SEE me. Remember YOU can't break up the affair. It has to collapse of it's own accord. Most affairs, once they are physical, last about 6 months. You're in for a long ride, dude. But your wife is worth it.
