Almost WAW - Do I need to reveal affair to H?

[Concerned_Listener]

NHN,
I wonder why he's not doing what you ask him to do? You want him to notice that you're attractive, and to be courteous in your presence. These seem like simple things. If he does these things for other people, than he's possibly harboring anger and resentment towards you. They are not realistic expectations to have of the R at this time.

I wonder what he wants from the R? Are you curious as to what he wants? Perhaps he can create 2-3 positive expectations he would have of you.

What is his mood like? Does he seem happy and interested in life at times? Your descriptions make him sound depressed. Is he, like you, happy outside the R, but unhappy when he's with you?

A book I like is called "Other People's Habits," by Aubrey Daniels. It reminds us of the powerful influence of positive reinforcement in changing peoples' behavior. It also asserts that how people act around us is a function of how we treat them. If we want people to change, we must first look at how we're treating them. Most likely, we're not reinforcing the behaviors we want to see from them.

My impression from reading your entire thread is that you need to increase your awareness of how you treat your H. You're keenly aware of want you want from him, and how he's not meeting your needs, but you lack awareness of how your behavior influences him. Your approach seems to be to ask for what you want, not get the results you want, and then blame him for the outcome. You don't go back to the "drawing board" and try a different approach. You personalize the outcome, and introduce negativity into the R, expecting that to produce the outcome you want. It's a vicious cycle, that is sure to increase distance in a R.

CL