Is it over for me?

[runningoutoftime]

I remember having those same feelings that my husband was missing so much and it felt so strange.

With special events and fun things you are doing with the kids, make sure you take lots of photos and put them up around the house, also give him copies of some of them. It's good to let them see the fun things they are missing out on.

Also, for Father's Day I had the kids make things for their dad that he could use at his apartment (a decorated box for storing papers, a decorated key holder, etc...) We also gave him a framed photo of him with the kids and it was one of those frames that said all sorts of sentimental things about dads around it. I think it's good for WAS to have plenty of reminders of the kids around the house. Something good for them to look at when they are feeling lonely....

One more thing... I made copies of old family videos, when the kids were young, Christmases together, etc... (moved them to DVD... if you don't have the equipment to do it yourself there usually are businesses around that can do that for you), and gave an extra copy to my husband. I figured watching those in his apartment would be a great reminder of what he was losing.

And yet... one more thing... when my husband did call I'd sometimes put out a little invitation. To help facilitate a friendship with him and replace the negative memories he created with positive ones I'd invite him on evening walks every once in awhile. (In the beginning I was the one extending the invitation, but eventually he took over and I was able to pull back and allow him to ask me out. My goal was to get him to invite me and eventually that happened!). Taking evening walks was something we had done during our marriage and I used the excuse that I really needed some exercise and I didn't feel safe walking alone at night, so if he just happened to have some extra time and might even feel bored, maybe we could take a quick walk (this Thursday night 9 p.m..... give an actual day and time). During these walks I would let him do most of the talking. I avoided all relationship talk and kept everything at a "friendship" level. Basically I offered him a non-critical, positive and supportive "place" to talk, vent and share his day. You see, I didn't want our relationship to only be physical. I wanted to build a friendship and even get him to a place where he might enjoy these interactions so much he'd look forward to them, really want to spend this time with me and eventually begin inviting me out.

This was a very gradual and long process. I had to be very careful to never appear like I was pursuing him in any way, but merely being a friend with no expectations. I did this very carefully too, by not overly inviting him, but going into the whole thing very gradually and "distantly" but yet still being a friend. Basically, it's like detaching but leaving the door open and staying very positive while having no expectations he's even going to put his toe in!