Woman, you are grieving, and that's OK. Being strong doesn't mean never feeling sad or always putting on a brave face. You have written about the deep happiness that is at your core. It is still there in spite of the grief, and you will feel it again because you have grown is ways too numerous to list.
I'm sure you know this poem, but I'm posting it here for you anyway.
After A While by Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure you really are strong you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn...
Certain lines make me think of you, especially this one: "you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child"
You are doing this now, Nicola. You are showing your dignity and worth under great pressure--that's how we all know it's for real and theat you will heal from this.
