Okay.... So still not sure what to think about my chat with my XH yesterday. I am doing my best to let things stand and simmer. I won't contact him until Easter is over (my parents are coming up tomorrow through sunday so... that won't be hard). I will text him easter wishes.. and MAYBE make him a basket of eggs. I will see.
But with regard to his comment of "XH: Hey, I'm surprised it's hitting me more than you XH: or I deal with it worse XH: either way XH: it is what it is"
I guess I want to tell him that is does effect me. And yes we deal with it in different ways. But part of me also wants to address the way he communicates things with people. He is a "state his case, say what he has to say, and the 'dicussion' is done" kind of man. There is not chance to ask questions, get clarification or understand where he is coming from. So really it was never a discussion to begin with. He does a "hit and run" (as he likes to call them).
This is something that is the source of a lot of my frustration during our M. He would say things and I am a big "why" girl. I want to know the why behind things people say or do. You tell me why then I understand better. But he would never answer my "why" questions and that would leave me to try to figure out the why. So then I could come up with my own idea of why he said or did something (likely not the real reason, but my best guess) then I would be upset about that and then be angry and frustrated at him for it.
And while I understand that was part my problem b/c I needed the why, I also think is was a problem on his part that he wasn't willing to take the time to tell me the why. He just wanted to say his piece and let that be enough. And that just didn't work for me.
And I want to tell him this, but I am afraid that will be another "strike" against me. Another reason "why" we are compatible in his eyes. I see it as me realizing one of the reasons I was unhappy and frustrated in our marriage.
So is this something I tell my XH? Or do I just let it go (until we are working on a new relationship)?
Also I am frustrated that my XH and I can't be 'normal' friends. I am frustrated that we can go out to dinner with each other. I am frustrated that we can't be see in public together. I am frustated that we may never be able to have a 'normal' relationship. Is this a safe topic to take up with him down the road (like in the next 4-5 months)?
And really the problem is his. I don't care what people might say about us being friend, I think he does. But on the flip side it isn't fair to me that I have to be this "hidden" person. It play into another one of my problems/insecurities from our M. I worry that he is ashamed of me. That I am not pretty enough to be seen with. That I am not good enough to be with him. (When we were married we would never go out to dinner at a restaurant where you would sit down and order off a menu. We would go to lunch on the weekends various place, but dinner wasn't something he liked to do. It always made me wonder why? {there is that why again! :)} We didn't do much of anything. We would go shopping, we would go over to his 57 year old friend's house, and to his mom's and that is it. So I was always a little uneasy, thinking he was ashamed of me.)
