Jack, I did have myself visible for 2 weeks after he said he didn't want to talk to me. Then I went invisible. I guess maybe I will wait to see if this continues or if maybe it was just a fluke. I think maybe he needs to sweat it out a little. Let him worry that I might be with someone else. (though if he really knows me, he knows darn well I am not.)
He was the one that choose NC, I am just giving him what he asked for. Thanks for your thoughts Jack! R2
R2, I agree, let him sweat it out a bit. Also for the Venting, you know that is what we are here for!!!
You're right you can not say anything to XH or his "friend" about both of them needing to move on and get their own lives. b/c they will see it as you trying to interfere!!! I guess they will some day see if, if not PLEASE, PLEASE do NOT feel guilty. B/c R2, you have done NOTHING wrong!
You are a great person and your XH has to know that! but right now they don't know ANYTHING! it makes a person mad and also may drive you nuts... b/c you are sane and can see these things where as they can not!
For the IM, go visable if you feel you should, or wait it out another week and then see what happens! he might see you then and "chat" maybe not, but maybe. That is a chance you will have to take!
Take it 1 day at a time and love yourself!!!
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
Tabd, Thanks for your response. Glad to know that I am venting in the right place!
Well I am my IM visable right now b/c I had to IM my cousin a question... it has an away message though "Early awaiting Cindy's Daddy's reponse. Hugs to Tammy and John and Big KISSES to Miss CINDY!" But up side he has not "hidden" his screename. So that is good.... we will see.
I keep crossing my fingers that he will text me Easter wishes so I won't spend all day debating about what is the "right" thing to do.
It is just a touch tug of war. Am I true to myself and who I am? Or do I respect his wishes for no conact? I guess in a way he just said HE need to keep to himself and that there was an emotional cost to him when he is AROUND me. So technically he never said I could not contact him.
I guess I would just feel bad if I didn't take time out of my day to let him know I was thinking about him. It is one of those things that my heart says is the "right" thing, but on the flip side I want to be respectful of what he told me.... But then again he hasn't been very respectful of me in the past two years... so.....
Oh the circular logic and battles that go on inside my head!
R2, I know that tug of war you play with yourself, if I do this is it right or is it wrong. will i be making a BIG mistake or will I be making it better.
At this point R2, I would maybe listen to your heart. If you have always done something like that in the past, Yes you can change but would that be COMPLETELY out of character for you?
and if H is checking to see if you are on IM... maybe that is a sign he wants some contact. Now that doesn't mean anything mushy, lovey... just a HAPPY EASTER, hope you have a good day!
b/c if he said it is too emotional to be AROUND you then texting isn't being around you, right?
Boy this is a toughy. I think whatever you decide will be the best for you!
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
TabD, Thank you again for your nice reply! It is so nice to have someone reply to messages!
Well my XH IMed me, questioned my away message (he was concerned I was pregnant), and wanted to tell me, "that was also my segway to telling you that the answer to all of your questions was no but that doesn't mean you can't talk to me."
HE BROKE NC FIRST! Converstaion went on as follows... XH: I'm trying to be good XH but it didn't mean no to talking ot me XH: so, sorry about that XH: I was just saying it was no to everything else R2: that is okay. XH: I do think it's best that we keep distance XH: what I said about an emotional cost is 100% true XH: and for now XH: distance is what I need XH: chatting occasionally is cool XH: if you have a question or whatever, hit me up R2: understood. Sorry about the emotional cost thing though !:( XH: Hey, I'm surprised it's hitting me more than you XH: or I deal with it worse XH: either way XH: it is what it is XH: so XH: I have to run R2: XH: I have 11 minutes to deploy something company-wide R2: okay[ R2: well.... I am interested in this comment.. "I am suprised it is hitting me more than you. [XH take care R2: ...but I will let you go. XH: well, we'll chat later then XH: I'll ring ya or something R2: okay XH: byew R2: you know my number! R2: bye! R2: take care!
I am happy we are talking again... I am happy there is an emotional cost to him... and I am happy he is dealing with it worse.... all that being said why doesn't that make me feel any better?
I so badly want to have R with him. And I am not sure what exactly I will ask him about "I am surprised it is hitting me more than it is hitting you."
Any ideas?
I mean I don't want to launch into something that will push him away, but... I don't know... feedback or ideas of "safe" ways to talk about our marriage... or past relationship or the "morphing" of our relationship into something new/different or normal would be appreciated.
R2, GREAT, WONDERFUL, FABULOUS, what other words can I say to tell you how happy I am for you! Yes XH broke the NC first... so that is a big step...
As for this
Quote:
XH: Hey, I'm surprised it's hitting me more than you XH: or I deal with it worse XH: either way XH: it is what it is
I would have to say that it is GREAT DB'ing on your part. listening and venting here instead of trying to do it to your XH or get it from him. You are on the right path. You just need to stay on that path.
Take it 1 day at a time... and enjoy it!!! gotta run... chat more later
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
Okay.... So still not sure what to think about my chat with my XH yesterday. I am doing my best to let things stand and simmer. I won't contact him until Easter is over (my parents are coming up tomorrow through sunday so... that won't be hard). I will text him easter wishes.. and MAYBE make him a basket of eggs. I will see.
But with regard to his comment of "XH: Hey, I'm surprised it's hitting me more than you XH: or I deal with it worse XH: either way XH: it is what it is"
I guess I want to tell him that is does effect me. And yes we deal with it in different ways. But part of me also wants to address the way he communicates things with people. He is a "state his case, say what he has to say, and the 'dicussion' is done" kind of man. There is not chance to ask questions, get clarification or understand where he is coming from. So really it was never a discussion to begin with. He does a "hit and run" (as he likes to call them).
This is something that is the source of a lot of my frustration during our M. He would say things and I am a big "why" girl. I want to know the why behind things people say or do. You tell me why then I understand better. But he would never answer my "why" questions and that would leave me to try to figure out the why. So then I could come up with my own idea of why he said or did something (likely not the real reason, but my best guess) then I would be upset about that and then be angry and frustrated at him for it.
And while I understand that was part my problem b/c I needed the why, I also think is was a problem on his part that he wasn't willing to take the time to tell me the why. He just wanted to say his piece and let that be enough. And that just didn't work for me.
And I want to tell him this, but I am afraid that will be another "strike" against me. Another reason "why" we are compatible in his eyes. I see it as me realizing one of the reasons I was unhappy and frustrated in our marriage.
So is this something I tell my XH? Or do I just let it go (until we are working on a new relationship)?
Also I am frustrated that my XH and I can't be 'normal' friends. I am frustrated that we can go out to dinner with each other. I am frustrated that we can't be see in public together. I am frustated that we may never be able to have a 'normal' relationship. Is this a safe topic to take up with him down the road (like in the next 4-5 months)?
And really the problem is his. I don't care what people might say about us being friend, I think he does. But on the flip side it isn't fair to me that I have to be this "hidden" person. It play into another one of my problems/insecurities from our M. I worry that he is ashamed of me. That I am not pretty enough to be seen with. That I am not good enough to be with him. (When we were married we would never go out to dinner at a restaurant where you would sit down and order off a menu. We would go to lunch on the weekends various place, but dinner wasn't something he liked to do. It always made me wonder why? {there is that why again! :)} We didn't do much of anything. We would go shopping, we would go over to his 57 year old friend's house, and to his mom's and that is it. So I was always a little uneasy, thinking he was ashamed of me.)
R2, Ok, the converstaion, yes it affects you, but since you have been doing DB'ing you are stronger and not letting your emotion fly in front of XH... that is why he is probably thinking it doesn't affect you. Can they really be that dumb???
Questions, I know right now with my own H, he hates questions. H has told me blank point. You ask too many questions. B/c really they need to come to you and talk... I think it works. Ask 1 question and if you notice they say "nothing" or "everythings all right" then stop asking. Give them some space and they will come to you and open up... I think maybe it is a control thing... they want to start the converstaion and it has to be on their terms. Does that make sense???
I don't know if you should tell XH this about you right now. B/c the NC just stopped. see how things play out in the next few weeks/months... and then let's talk about it.
Normal --what is the definition of Normal? I would like to know. I guess that all depends on the person and/or couple. What you two did/do together is it NORMAL for you guys? maybe look from that standpoint.
As for never going out to eat to a "sitdown" restaurant, that is a bit strange. I don't think XH was ashamed, but then again I don't know for sure. DO you really believe he was ashamed of you? Is XH shy? doesn't like large crowds? b/c I know going out at night there are a LOT more people. Just something to think about. did you ever ask to go out on a night to a sitdown restaurant?
I know I over think things. Maybe that is what is going on right now. I know you are a "why" kind of girl and want to know all the answers and/or reasons. I think that is a woman trait. we try to figure things out and talk about them... where as MOST men they want to do it on their own.
Keep DB'ing and doing what you are doing. it seems to be working. XH broke the NC first!!!
Have a GREAT EASTER!!! and as for the basket, that is up to you!
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
Well I sent a text message to his phone at 11:00 this morning. It is just after 9:00 pm and nothing! I did it b/c it was the right thing to do... and while I didn't expect him to respond... I had hoped!
I just don't know what is going on in his head.
Sometimes I think I am just crazy for still being there for him, for still loving him and still caring about him. Sometimes I think maybe I am wasting my time on a man who may not really love me. But then I think about the situation and I think about him and I just see how "sick" he is. I just see that all this is not all his fault. And I think back to the promises I made to him and and sigh... have a good cry and continue with my day.
I know that some people have been doing this so much longer than I have... but in June we will have been divorced for a year. And maybe this doubt that I am doing the right thing is normal. But right now I just feel tired.
I am emotionally exhausted. I just want someone to help me "recharge" myself. I just need that safe place to fall. I need that kind shoulder to cry on. He need some one to help pick me up.
Thanks for listening... Hope everyone had a happy easter! R2
Update- I took a risk and Instant Messaged my XH on the Monday after Easter. We had a nice exchange. He kept commenting about how he hasn't put a lot of effort into finding somone to date. He doesn't know where to find them, his friends have introduced her to some, but... he wants somone but he isn't putting a lot of effort into it. I just joked it off. Didn't really react to it. He said, "Well I am sure by now you have a boyfriend or a friend with benefits." I just told him no.
He suggested I come over after he have dinner with his 57 y/o friend. I did and it was nice. Kind of like the "old times" of this past year! It was nice just to be close to him.
He is currently looking of a house to buy. I am a avid fan of looking at home on the net, so we chatted about a few. I searched and found some for him. He really seems to appreciate it.
He called be at work on Wed. after he had looked at a house. We chatted. he was over at is 57 y/o friend's house doing laundry. I jokingly asked if he was dating her.. he said something about that is why I married you then he started talking to her dog b/c it needed to go to the bathroom.
I saw him last night too. He took today off work today. He said it was b/c he was stressed. I asked what he was going to do, he was sort of cryptic saying "He was going to keep himself busy." He did e-mail me thanking for helping him relax last night. then I sent him some info on a house and replied, thanking me for letting him know. He will def. look into it.
I think him getting a house is a GREAT thing. He needs to experience some responsibility. He will have to maintain a house. He didn't like to do it here and wasn't handy either. His family won't help him and his 57 y/o friend always hires "friends" to do the work for her. ANd XH doesn't have that much money to do that for a lot of things, plus he is cheap when it comes to things like that. I hope he finds a house and realize how lonely it is without anyone else in it. I hope he realizes how much nicer it is to has someone around. I hope he realizes that I have stood by him throughout all of this. I hope that he is able to step and and follow his heart rather than fear what others might say.
**Side note: apparently he "vowed" to his friends that he would be good. WHat exactly he meant by that I am not sure, he hasn't told me. I am not sure if he vowed to not talk to me? Or jus vowed to not be physical with me? But whatever it was, he said he won't tell them that he is seeing me again (in the acutally visually laying eyes on me sense, not the romantic sense), b/c he would be embarrased b/c he vowed to them that he would be good.
Maybe this is a step forward... maybe this is me being too "needy" and taking whatever scrapes I can get. I don't know. All I know is that there is an odd sense of peace about me, for now at least. I can only cross my fingers and hope that this is going to lead in a postive direction. While I was giving him a back massage I "think" he was going to cuddle with me, but I turned a certain direction and fell off the bed. Good comic relief, but ruined the moment.
it makes a person mad and also may drive you nuts... b/c you are sane and can see these things where as they can not!
